Friends seem to be a lot of responsibility that I don't have time for.
If you view friends as all being like your friend - very needy and demanding of your attentions - then I don't blame you, I would feel the same.
We each have our own lives to live, we're busy just living our own lives and generally don't have the time or energy to help someone else live their life too (or live it for them).
Increasingly from what you say, she does sound like she needs a great deal of reassurance. You, on the other hand, sound like you project an air of self-sufficiency. You may not feel it, but becaause you seem to get along without obviously needing to be propped up by anyonoe, you have attracted someone who at least to begin with, has seen you as strong and independent. Part of her wants to be like you. But part of her also resents your self-sufficiency and needs you to need HER, and her advice regarding your son.
I don't thik you need to end the friendship, necessarily. It is possible to ease back a bit, maybe say to her, "I've got a lot of things happening over the next few weeks, I won't be available except maybe once in the evenings. I'll be either out or busy during the day, so if you want to ring me, can you write down what it's about and maybe call me later in the evening for a chat and we can talk about everything all at once? If we plan ahead, we can each have a cup of coffee handy while we talk, it will be good."
And if she calls during the day when you've said you're not available, then check the caller ID and don't answer, if it's her. As with kids, you have to follow through.
I've had a very needy 'friend' who in reality was competing with me as well as using me to bolster her own ego. She would also tell me everything about her life, often over and over again, going back over old hurts from her sisters and her mother. Some of the things she told me horrified me (her mother really sounded like a nut case) but I know there are two sides. She also told me about everyone else in her life, including all her friends at church. I would invite her to an event when I knew she would be alone on a special day (such as Christmas) but find that despite her stated loneliness, she had actually made some good arrangements for herself and done well. So I stopped worrying about her in that respect.
However, I soon began to take note of exactly when she would call. I knew her tastes in TV programs and learned not to call her when her favourite TV shows were on or I would get abused and she would hang up on me. Mind you, if I did thta back to her, she would get very upset with me.
Then I began to notice a pattern of calling behaviour - not every time, but often, te phone would ring as the final credits were rolling, of a TV show I knew she would have been watching. So I began to get husband to answer the phone (before we had caller ID) and 99% of the time it was her. I knew that if she really wanted to talk to ME, she would call back. If she rang NOT at the end of a TV show, she generally would call back if I wasn't available. So I knew that most of the time she was calling out of sheer boredom. If I wasn't available she would go to the next person on the list.
I knew who else was on her list, because when she did talk to me I would often be told, "I just spoke to so-and-so," and I could mentally 'hear' the sequence of calls she had made just to find someone willing to listen. It also made me guard my tongue because just as she was quoting so-and-so, she would also be quoting me. Or misquoting.
I finally had to cut off my friendship with this person because she at times got very abusive. She's not stable and in her unstable times got very nasty with me to the point where I had to refuse her calls. However, about that time she stopped calling. Her competing with me became more obvious at the same time.
I also wasn't the only target - I'm still around her a lot and I see this behaviour in her a great deal, with other people. One woman in particular, she has developed an intense hatred for and will publicly verbally abuse her (embarrassing in meetings).
What I'm saying - just because you can't manage this friendship to your satisfaction, don't expect all friendships to be like this. The girl I'm talking about here (technically "woman" but she's never really grown up past about the age of 14) is not typical. I don't think your friend is either. True friendship is very give and take and she sounds like she's all take. It's lovely that your kids are friends, I understand you wanting to keep that. But do keep a very close eye on the friendship because far more often than not, kids behave like their parents. You say this girl does a lot for your son, helps him a lot. Again, that is not a healthy friendship if it's all one way. Your son needs to be the helpER sometimes, not just the helpEE. Even if you have to encourage him and remind him to do something kind for her "just because", he needs to do this for his own emotional growth and self-respect. The girl needs to learn to be helped, instead of always being the one helping.
You say you don't like owing anyone anything. My father was like this, to a fault. In a lot of ways it's a good thing, because if you don't owe anyone anything, then you cna't have it held over you if the other person wants you to do something you don't want to do.
Really, in order to cool this off to a point where you can tolerate it better, all you need to do is to be less available for a while. She needs to learn to not lean on you so hard, you need to get a chance to breathe for a bit without feeling like she's glued to your side. No wonder you find it overwhelming, if she's calling you so much!
People form relationships and friendships for many different reasons. A good friend of mine collects lame ducks. She will admit it when confronted with it but has inside her a desperate need to help otherpeople. She is kind, loving and generous, but has got herself into some awful situations because the "lame duck" she began helping turned out to be a snake in the grass. And because I'm also a friend (one who often gets put on the shelf for a time as not needing her so much, I can be set aside to wait my turn while she sees to the sudden greater need of a new toy) I have a coupleof times found myself attacked by the lame duck turned snake in the grass, because I am a threat to the snake's monopoly of the helper.
Sorry, it sounds complex.
What I mean is - the person who is a natural helper can find herself getting badly hurt because the sort of person who can seem needy is really a professional leech who doesn't want to lose a profitable meal ticket, or share it.
Friendship shouldn't be complicated, or too much hard work. Friendship should be fairly easy. If you don't feel it comes naturally to you, then you may need to learn some social techniques of friendship (a counsellor can help). Some simple rules can help. But it needs to be balanced, there needs to be mutual support and communication, there needs to be trust and understanding. A friendship is only as deep as these exist. It's OK to have a shallow friendship as long as you don't expect it to be more than it is.
True friendships happen. They do require some input from both, but if you're good friends it's easy to put in the effort. If you find it too much a chore, then you need to think - is this really a good enough friendship to justify this effort?
You can set the limits and the boundaries. If you need help, then invent a reason to be unavailable (but make sure it's consistent, even if you have to go get a part-time job or have someone else take your calls during certain times).
A useful tool in this situation is the religious retreat. Go away for a weekend (take your kids if you don't feel comfortable leaving them with anyone - DON'T leave them with this friend for this purpose!) and just relax. Take some time out from stress to just unwind, read a book, go for a walk, contemplate the universe and your place in it.
Because when you've got someone so thoroughly in your space, it's very hard to think clearly about your relationship with them with any sense of perspective.
Marg
Have you ever had someone that you actually considered to be a friend, but yet they drive you absolutely insane with their advice on your difficult child's behavioral and emotional issues and academic challenges? My difficult child's issues are so severe and this friend of mine is constantly telling me that she can fix my son's problems in a week; he is always good for her; he always listens to her; he never misbehaves for me; I wish you would just let me come over your house every night for a week and put him to bed; "have you ever tried positive reinforcement; have you ever tried giving him the silent treatment" and so on and so on. I am sooooooooo sick of listening to her tell me that my son is not on the spectrum because she knows two other kids on the spectrum and they are way worse then my difficult child. My friend is repeatedly trying to get me to go her childrens' doctors because they are so great, blah blah and more blah. She is my friend because she has a wonderful heart but I must be honest when I say that there is nothing in her life that I admire. Her life is self-induced chaotic and there is nothing about her child-rearing methods that I respect and she is most definitely someone that does not follow through with anything when it comes to her kids counseling, doctors, schooling, etc. She is the kind of person that cannot complain enough about her life EVERY SINGLE DAY, but will not do anything to fix her life. Have any of you ever had a friend like this? I am feeling like the stress I am feeling with my difficult child's issues right now is making me significantly less tolerable of her and I don't know what to do about it. What do you think? 
