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Friends/Already attracted to the "bad boys"
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 343023" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I reached a point where I banned difficult child 1's friends from the house. The reason was - difficult child 3 was bothering them (as little brothers tend to do - he was ten years younger and socially inappropriate) and one of the friends kept saying, "Go away or I'll kill you," and another friend pretended jokingly to throttle difficult child 3. It wasn't right to do this to a 3 year old child and especially not in that child's home. I asked them to leave and said that they were welcome to stay friends with difficult child 3 but could not come back under my roof until they could prove to me that they could treat ALL residents with respect.</p><p></p><p>At the time, these friends had been flagged as troublemakers by the school (along with difficult child 1). In fact, a sort of "brat camp" had been organised for "the troubled boys" and it was actually this brat camp that pushed them together as friends. Before that, difficult child 1 had some friends among the "decent kids" group, but not after the problems boys began to hang around with him. It was a situation caused by the school.</p><p></p><p>But the boy who was most concerning to the school, was actually the one I never banned from my house. He was a big lad who was a bit more odd and very expressionless in his face (classic Aspie). I didn't know the boy was Aspie, I don't think the school knew. That boy responded (back then, and even now) to feeling a bit socially awkward, by coming out with comic banter (like a very dark version of Robin Williams) and also performing various magic tricks. I think about this time he poured lighter fluid over his hand at school and set fire to it. He only did it once, difficult child 1 said.</p><p></p><p>HIM I was happy to have in the home. Not the other two. Big friend would come visit and bring his pet pythons (baby ones, about a foot long). He would obsess to difficult child 1 about snakes, difficult child 1 would obsess back about birds, neither listened, both were happy. That is how difficult child 1 explained it to me anyway. Big friend even got tossed out of school (it was a gross injustice and serious error but he had nobody to fight for him, I didn't find out about it until it was too late) and I was actually warned about him, told to keep him away from difficult child 1. But I never banned him and I still stand by that - he's a decent guy, he always has been and I was happy to see him as best man at difficult child 1's wedding.</p><p></p><p>There were other friends who difficult child 1 had hung around with who really did go to the bad. Once they got to about 13, they began to freeze difficult child 1 out because he was a bit too nerdy. The social skills needed for him to participate were a bit too complex. We also really pushed the honesty thing, and this made it a lot harder for kids who rely on dishonesty, to be able to do the wrong thing around him. </p><p></p><p>What helped - difficult child 1 was encouraged to be honest. He was also encouraged to have faith in his own convictions and to express them without fear of reprisal. I also saw other friends of easy child's who were hanging around with the wrong kids and being treated like dirt, because they did not have the confidence in themselves to stand up and do/say what was right instead of what was popular.</p><p></p><p>mother in law has friends who live their lives running after this friend or that, jumping through all the hoops they're told to by people who frankly have more power over others than they deserve. mother in law refuses to play these little games and in some ways is not as caught up in the local social whirl; but she says the price is just too high. That "social whirl" comes at such a huge cost, simply because one or two "control freaks" who need to feel important and who use gossip as currency, manipulate their friends and try to rule the roost.</p><p></p><p>Really, mother in law's friends are overgrown kids. You see the plans in childhood, you see the early stages of the same sort of personalities. easy child is a very socially independent person. She has friends and although she is a very loyal friend, she also requires the same loyalty. She is forgiving but she won't be walked over. She had her miserable times in elementary school, when good friends one day would say to her the next, "Kerrie says I can't be friends with you today, or she won't be my friend ever again."</p><p></p><p>I told my kids, "If anyone ever treats you like that, then realise you just did something right, and that kid who put a ban on you sees you as a threat and knows they can't hold a candle to you."</p><p></p><p>It does pass. The trouble is, our kids have to make choices. The biggest choice is - do I knuckle under and do what I'm told by the other kids in order to belong, or do I stand up for what is right but expect to have no friends?</p><p></p><p>Too often, knuckling under is easier. and that is how they can get into the wrong crowd and also stay in the wrong crowd - because the alternative is considered to be just too hard. But in the long run, it is definitely the easier way.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 343023, member: 1991"] I reached a point where I banned difficult child 1's friends from the house. The reason was - difficult child 3 was bothering them (as little brothers tend to do - he was ten years younger and socially inappropriate) and one of the friends kept saying, "Go away or I'll kill you," and another friend pretended jokingly to throttle difficult child 3. It wasn't right to do this to a 3 year old child and especially not in that child's home. I asked them to leave and said that they were welcome to stay friends with difficult child 3 but could not come back under my roof until they could prove to me that they could treat ALL residents with respect. At the time, these friends had been flagged as troublemakers by the school (along with difficult child 1). In fact, a sort of "brat camp" had been organised for "the troubled boys" and it was actually this brat camp that pushed them together as friends. Before that, difficult child 1 had some friends among the "decent kids" group, but not after the problems boys began to hang around with him. It was a situation caused by the school. But the boy who was most concerning to the school, was actually the one I never banned from my house. He was a big lad who was a bit more odd and very expressionless in his face (classic Aspie). I didn't know the boy was Aspie, I don't think the school knew. That boy responded (back then, and even now) to feeling a bit socially awkward, by coming out with comic banter (like a very dark version of Robin Williams) and also performing various magic tricks. I think about this time he poured lighter fluid over his hand at school and set fire to it. He only did it once, difficult child 1 said. HIM I was happy to have in the home. Not the other two. Big friend would come visit and bring his pet pythons (baby ones, about a foot long). He would obsess to difficult child 1 about snakes, difficult child 1 would obsess back about birds, neither listened, both were happy. That is how difficult child 1 explained it to me anyway. Big friend even got tossed out of school (it was a gross injustice and serious error but he had nobody to fight for him, I didn't find out about it until it was too late) and I was actually warned about him, told to keep him away from difficult child 1. But I never banned him and I still stand by that - he's a decent guy, he always has been and I was happy to see him as best man at difficult child 1's wedding. There were other friends who difficult child 1 had hung around with who really did go to the bad. Once they got to about 13, they began to freeze difficult child 1 out because he was a bit too nerdy. The social skills needed for him to participate were a bit too complex. We also really pushed the honesty thing, and this made it a lot harder for kids who rely on dishonesty, to be able to do the wrong thing around him. What helped - difficult child 1 was encouraged to be honest. He was also encouraged to have faith in his own convictions and to express them without fear of reprisal. I also saw other friends of easy child's who were hanging around with the wrong kids and being treated like dirt, because they did not have the confidence in themselves to stand up and do/say what was right instead of what was popular. mother in law has friends who live their lives running after this friend or that, jumping through all the hoops they're told to by people who frankly have more power over others than they deserve. mother in law refuses to play these little games and in some ways is not as caught up in the local social whirl; but she says the price is just too high. That "social whirl" comes at such a huge cost, simply because one or two "control freaks" who need to feel important and who use gossip as currency, manipulate their friends and try to rule the roost. Really, mother in law's friends are overgrown kids. You see the plans in childhood, you see the early stages of the same sort of personalities. easy child is a very socially independent person. She has friends and although she is a very loyal friend, she also requires the same loyalty. She is forgiving but she won't be walked over. She had her miserable times in elementary school, when good friends one day would say to her the next, "Kerrie says I can't be friends with you today, or she won't be my friend ever again." I told my kids, "If anyone ever treats you like that, then realise you just did something right, and that kid who put a ban on you sees you as a threat and knows they can't hold a candle to you." It does pass. The trouble is, our kids have to make choices. The biggest choice is - do I knuckle under and do what I'm told by the other kids in order to belong, or do I stand up for what is right but expect to have no friends? Too often, knuckling under is easier. and that is how they can get into the wrong crowd and also stay in the wrong crowd - because the alternative is considered to be just too hard. But in the long run, it is definitely the easier way. Marg [/QUOTE]
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