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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 343307" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Too often, the kids who are bad news are easier to "make friends" with, because they go out of their way to tolerate the oddness, purely because they recognise an easy mark for manipulation. One of difficult child 1's former friends is a diagnosed Aspie. The bad kids got their claws into him and forced him to choose, and to declare his alliance to them and not difficult child 1, by getting friend to 'set up' difficult child 1 for a very nasty and mean prank. It wads the sort of thing obviously designed to break off a friendship, but instead of simply asking this kid to not be friends with difficult child 1, these nasty types made him invite difficult child 1 around for some computer games, then the whole gang attacked him.</p><p></p><p>Former friend's parents were horrified, grounded their kid and tried to work out what was behind it. We only worked it out years later, when these same 'friends' were giving the Aspie the baseball bat they had just used to beat someone up with, so Aspie would be the one caught and not them.</p><p></p><p>Nice.</p><p></p><p>They use him to carry their stuff (eggs to throw at people's houses; rocks - ditto; baseball bats and knives). So he now has a police record for carrying concealed weapons, and accessory. He's undoubtedly involved in local drug deals as well- these nasty types would go out of their way to implicate him so deep that he can't back out. And they made sure that early on, they got rid of the "conscience kid" - ie difficult child 1. So Aspie former friend now has nowhere to turn for advice or backbone.</p><p></p><p>THAT is hwat you want your kids to avoid.</p><p></p><p>We talked to our kids about what makes a good friend. Often at school, difficult child 3 would get attacked, shoved or kicked by a kid. When difficult child 3 told a teacher and it began to look like for once, the teacher was gonig to actually Do something, the bully kid would often go to difficult child 3 and "make friends". He would tell difficult child 3 that they are friends now, and friends don't tell on one another. Because they are friends now, there is no need to rake over old stuff and tell the teachers the fine detail. so difficult child 3 would be persuaded to retract.</p><p>Next day - the bully was being mean again.</p><p></p><p>They kept this going, highly amused because every time, they could wini difficult child 3 back over.</p><p></p><p>I don't know when we finally got through to difficult child 3 that kids will lie, and lie convincingly so he won't be able to tell. That if a kid is a true friend, then he will 'fess up to what he did even if he then says, "But difficult child 3 has forgiven me." Because forgiving someone is not the same as telling the full truth about the incident.</p><p></p><p>That is a difficult distinction for a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kid to understand. We had to role-play it repeatedly. The other thing we had to do - we kept having to say, "These kids are in your life for this year and maybe next. The rest of your life is more than 60 years, during which time you may never cross paths with these kids again. You have so much potential, but these kids and their ways are holding you back. You have to make a choice - live right and live good, or live in someone else's inferior shadow."</p><p></p><p>I also emphasised - "You WILL make friends, ones who are more suited to your own interests and your own standards. It is not worth the harm it will do to you, to change your high moral standards merely to be accepted by someone. If they want you to devalue yourself, they are not good friends, not good role models and will eventually do you harm no matter how much you try to change. So rather than you try to change, you need to really see what a wonderful person you are, as you are now. If they can't see this then their insight is non existent and they are not worth making any effort for. It is better to be alone and know you are a good person, than to be surrounded by other kids who are not good to anybody."</p><p></p><p>I had to go over and over this, but I think it has paid off.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 343307, member: 1991"] Too often, the kids who are bad news are easier to "make friends" with, because they go out of their way to tolerate the oddness, purely because they recognise an easy mark for manipulation. One of difficult child 1's former friends is a diagnosed Aspie. The bad kids got their claws into him and forced him to choose, and to declare his alliance to them and not difficult child 1, by getting friend to 'set up' difficult child 1 for a very nasty and mean prank. It wads the sort of thing obviously designed to break off a friendship, but instead of simply asking this kid to not be friends with difficult child 1, these nasty types made him invite difficult child 1 around for some computer games, then the whole gang attacked him. Former friend's parents were horrified, grounded their kid and tried to work out what was behind it. We only worked it out years later, when these same 'friends' were giving the Aspie the baseball bat they had just used to beat someone up with, so Aspie would be the one caught and not them. Nice. They use him to carry their stuff (eggs to throw at people's houses; rocks - ditto; baseball bats and knives). So he now has a police record for carrying concealed weapons, and accessory. He's undoubtedly involved in local drug deals as well- these nasty types would go out of their way to implicate him so deep that he can't back out. And they made sure that early on, they got rid of the "conscience kid" - ie difficult child 1. So Aspie former friend now has nowhere to turn for advice or backbone. THAT is hwat you want your kids to avoid. We talked to our kids about what makes a good friend. Often at school, difficult child 3 would get attacked, shoved or kicked by a kid. When difficult child 3 told a teacher and it began to look like for once, the teacher was gonig to actually Do something, the bully kid would often go to difficult child 3 and "make friends". He would tell difficult child 3 that they are friends now, and friends don't tell on one another. Because they are friends now, there is no need to rake over old stuff and tell the teachers the fine detail. so difficult child 3 would be persuaded to retract. Next day - the bully was being mean again. They kept this going, highly amused because every time, they could wini difficult child 3 back over. I don't know when we finally got through to difficult child 3 that kids will lie, and lie convincingly so he won't be able to tell. That if a kid is a true friend, then he will 'fess up to what he did even if he then says, "But difficult child 3 has forgiven me." Because forgiving someone is not the same as telling the full truth about the incident. That is a difficult distinction for a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kid to understand. We had to role-play it repeatedly. The other thing we had to do - we kept having to say, "These kids are in your life for this year and maybe next. The rest of your life is more than 60 years, during which time you may never cross paths with these kids again. You have so much potential, but these kids and their ways are holding you back. You have to make a choice - live right and live good, or live in someone else's inferior shadow." I also emphasised - "You WILL make friends, ones who are more suited to your own interests and your own standards. It is not worth the harm it will do to you, to change your high moral standards merely to be accepted by someone. If they want you to devalue yourself, they are not good friends, not good role models and will eventually do you harm no matter how much you try to change. So rather than you try to change, you need to really see what a wonderful person you are, as you are now. If they can't see this then their insight is non existent and they are not worth making any effort for. It is better to be alone and know you are a good person, than to be surrounded by other kids who are not good to anybody." I had to go over and over this, but I think it has paid off. Marg [/QUOTE]
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