Friends and Family Vent

[DS3]

Have any of you gone through the frustration of family and friends not believing you? I don't even know if that is the correct term for it.

It's just nagging at me, that for most of this week when I have called -mainly just to chat, not even to vent - almost everyone I have talked to has responded to everything I am doing with my son with;

"Is all of this really necessary?"
"Is he alright? Man he has so many labels..."
"How did we ever manage to raise our kids without all of these interventions?"
"Why is everything another diagnosis with you?"
"Are you sure he has all of these issues/problems?"

I mean, every SINGLE time I have talked to someone recently, one of these come up.

I usually respond politely with: (in order) yes, and he will be, I don't know, it's not, and yes. Then I can go into a spiel about how technology has advanced so much, it's a new day and age, if the help is out there, why not use it?, Mothers are so secluded versus what it was when you were raising kids, et cetera. I take a political stance basically.

But man, the last person to ask me a question was my husband (and he deserves to know the answers, after all it is his son.) And I basically blew up over the phone at him because I have had so many redundant and stupid questions asked this week.

It makes me question my friendships and my family members. Hell my family members haven't been around my son for any length of time in over a year. They don't know my day to day frustrations. I actually even started typing up a 'terms frequently used' list so that I could email it to everyone and not have to answer the same 'what's Occupational Therapist (OT) stand for?' questions.

I mean, I don't go looking for a diagnosis for my son. I am told about a possible 'issue' and then get it checked out. If it becomes a diagnosis, so be it. Not all of these therapies or diagnosis's will stick as he gets older. My husband is a great one for saying 'But he's only 4!'. I want to shove that down his throat some days. He's not here day in and day out. difficult child adores daddy and is better behaved when he's around. So he's not going to see it. And yes, it is worse when he's away.

~sigh~ Why don't they understand? I've tried explaining and explaining, and I still get the same dumb questions/phrases.

by the way, I got asked the same question 4 times in 1 day regarding another family member and if I knew what was going on. I finally said, "It's not that I don't care, I can't care right now". I don't think they liked it that much. But I honestly don't have time for petty rumors and who changed what. If it's not relevant to me, or my family, there is nothing I can do about it. If that said person doesn't contact me, or answer the phone, I'm not going to know about it. And honestly, I am 3800 miles away and could care less at this particular moment.

So what I've decided is that I need a 'phone buddy' of sorts who isn't going to tell me that what I am doing is too much (or at least that's the way I am taking it). If anyone is interested, pop me a message with your name/phone/time zone and when is too late to call. Cause right now, I have the forum board and that's about it.

End of rant for now.



<----------- Kind of feel like this with my family and friends at the moment.

 

[InsaneCdn]

For most of us... THIS is IT.
Rant away, 24/7 if you need to. SOMEONE is on here most of the time!

And no, they do NOT get it.

I don't even answer the questions anymore.
How is difficult child? "doing about as expected, thanks". end of discussion.

Once you get to the bottom of the diagnosis process... the list may consolidate. Or grow. Or whatever. But expect that to take from 4 to 7 years. Not because I'm trying to torture you. Rather... he is "only" 4. There can be delays and/or uneven development that makes some things horrid right now... that may correct themselves as he grows. On the same note, though, other stuff can develop (or fall behind) too. So... because of the rate of development at this age, the best you can do is get some good approximations, and start trying to find what works.

If talking to family and friends isn't helping - drop it.

{{hugs}}

 

[DS3]

For most of us... THIS is IT.
Rant away, 24/7 if you need to. SOMEONE is on here most of the time!

Problem is with my hands. Days like today, they hurt. Carpal tunnel and arthritis in them both, and it hurts to type. Which is why I'm looking for a phone buddy. It's easier on my hands to talk and not type.

And no, they do NOT get it.

I don't even answer the questions anymore.
How is difficult child? "doing about as expected, thanks". end of discussion.

Once you get to the bottom of the diagnosis process... the list may consolidate. Or grow. Or whatever. But expect that to take from 4 to 7 years. Not because I'm trying to torture you. Rather... he is "only" 4. There can be delays and/or uneven development that makes some things horrid right now... that may correct themselves as he grows. On the same note, though, other stuff can develop (or fall behind) too. So... because of the rate of development at this age, the best you can do is get some good approximations, and start trying to find what works.

If talking to family and friends isn't helping - drop it.

{{hugs}}

I realize that this is only the beginning. Which is what I am trying to explain to them. He may not have to have all of this in the upcoming years. He may have different ones, or new ones added to the list. I understand that. All they see is a mom with too much time on her hands apparently.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Problem is with my hands. Days like today, they hurt. Carpal tunnel and arthritis in them both, and it hurts to type. Which is why I'm looking for a phone buddy. It's easier on my hands to talk and not type.

Do you have a newer version of Word? like 2007 or 2010? If so, it has a voice-to-text program. Speak your post into that, then cut and paste... (difficult child needs this for other reasons)

All they see is a mom with too much time on her hands apparently.

Yup. Sometimes school and/or specialists go there, too.

NOPE. It really is that complex.

{{hugs}}

 

[TeDo]

DS3, you might want to look into a voice-to-text program like Dragon Speaks for those days when your hands are bad. It doesn't cost much and is easy to use. I have it on my computer for difficult child 1 since he struggles to put his thoughts into writing.

 

[DS3]

Do you have a newer version of Word? like 2007 or 2010? If so, it has a voice-to-text program. Speak your post into that, then cut and paste... (difficult child needs this for other reasons)


Yup. Sometimes school and/or specialists go there, too.

NOPE. It really is that complex.

{{hugs}}

Nope. On Word 2003.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh sweetie...big huge military mommy hugs! You are young enough to be my daughter but if you want me to adopt you I will. LOL.

I know its frustrating when everyone wants to ask you all those annoying questions. They always ask me stupid questions about how I am feeling. Like suddenly my bipolar or arthritis and other chronic pain issues are going to magically go away simply because I happen to be smiling...lol. Oh heavens...forgive me. I forgot to mope continuously for their benefit so they would always know I am sick. Idjits!

I would hate to be in your shoes knowing daddy is overseas for a long time because basically you are a single mom but the kids still know daddy is there and daddy is most likely calling home (they do that now I hear) so the kids get all wind up for you and then you are left to deal with it.

Back when my kids were little and daddy was out of town, we didnt even have a phone so he was just gone. I just dealt. I think it was easier that way. Plus daddy came home at least every other weekend to help.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I'll ask difficult child what he did before Word 2007... 'cause he's been there, too. There ARE ways.

by the way - you are welcome to text here too...as in, we'll figure it out. Don't need proper English, or caps, or any of that fancy stuff.
We'll STILL get it. Can't be as hard as figuring out an overloaded difficult child's rant-language!

 

[Wiped Out]

Ugh, I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. Not fun!

 

[buddy]

program like Dragon Speaks

We have this for difficult child, it is a great accomodation for kids who have trouble writing and typing. One sp. ed. teacher and an Occupational Therapist (OT) I worked with said that often esp. with aspies, they are seeing that it is not the fine motor or visual motor issues always, it can just be the transition between our talking language/thoughts to putting it into the written form. they can often do much better work.

sorry, that was a side line, we like it and it is easy.

OK, about the family/friends....yup that stinks. Even the family that does acknowledge it in my situation, some still dont fully get it. When difficult child was in 1st grade and I was (same story different place) fighting the system, I had no one to come with me to the IEP and they could be really rude. I asked my dad to come even though he didn't get it at all. WELL, after hearing THEM say what was wrong with him...my my my...he started telling everyone like HE was the expert. I had to laugh. It was so funny. One guy in a store yelled at my difficult child for talking rude to me and my dad stepped between us and said to the guy he doesn't know the full story and to leave us alone. I couldn't believe it. IT was a rare moment in my life iwth family and friends. I am so glad you are here....it does help to share. You are doing the right thing. Everything you say about just hearing about an issue and going with it to make sure you cover all the bases makes perfect sense. You are open to whatever it ends up being in the future but now this is how you can get him his services so there you go....awesome mom!

 

[susiestar]

I TOTALLY know how you feel. been there done that. Other than a few people I was close to and felt I could talk to, the others heard that we were fine or doing all right, or some other nonspecific answer. It just wasn't worth my energy to answer their questions.

I told a lot of the family members who said things like you were asked that it wasn't their business and that they needed to pay some more attention to their own kids and let me raise mine my way. Mostly I avoided them after a few years. Esp when they could watch their kids do something and then try to tell me that my child did it. Yeah. Right. Sure I will pay to have your couch cleaned because YOUR child took a jar of food coloring out of YOUR kitchen and finger painted with it. Esp after I took the food coloring away twice and the 2nd time you handed it back to the child and told me not to be "mean". meanwhile MY kids were playing with toys or reading a book because they were tired of your child doing stupid things that were going to get him in trouble (like using food coloring as fingerpaint and the couch as paper!).

Not.

This is where you come for support. If you are lucky you will know 1 person or family who "gets it" and loves you anyway. I have 2 real world friends who were like that. We met at a homeschool coop and I still miss them greatly because we had to move away a few years back.

I will say that the people I met/meet in homeschool groups may not really understand what a difficult child is, but they are a TON more tolerant than most others I have ever met.

 

[DammitJanet]

Buddy...I am so NOT going to get a thing that types what I talk like! Not with my speech issues...lmao!

 

[buddy]

OH Janet! Do you need something that just pulls the words out of you and can by-pass the brain???? just teasing you...

 

[Hound dog]

Have spent a lifetime in that hotseat.

I used to get mad, until I decided it was an opportunity to educate the ignorant. You have to realize this stuff is somewhat the "norm" for us as warrior parents, but to your average person.......they just haven't got a clue. Now you can't control whether or not they learn anything, that's up to them. But as far as I'm concerned, I can at least give it a shot. If I get negative feedback from them, I know they're not a person to share that info with. Stinks but that's just the way it is. And that's why and how this board got started.

((hugs))

 

[Liahona]

Two words for your husband

Brain Plasticity

Something can be wrong with a child's brain at birth and the brain can be trained to re-wire itself with the right kind of therapies. This is why its so important to get all this testing done early and go to the endless therapies and drive ourselves nuts with new parenting techniques. Especially if a kid is on the autism spectrum. I'm not sure if it works for the other diagnosis, but I suspect so. Guess what it slows down dramatically about 6 1/2 years old. Yeah, he is only 4 and as the great mom you are you are going to squeeze every teaching moment you can into the next 2 1/2 years. The pace of your life slows down after they get older. I remember the endless Occupational Therapist (OT), Speech Language Pathologist (SLP), neuropsychologist, sensory groups, PT, autism specialists, psychiatrists, tdocs, teachers, aides, parent teaching night from the autism pre-school, mandatory parent volunteer at autism pre-school, ect... It gets better, but the first few years are a whirlwind.

Yup, this board is all I have too.

 

[skeeter]

somewhat related, when we were going through all the allergy stuff with my oldest, my ex-father in law told me that "they were too poor to have allergies when they were kids". WTH?? Anyway, I'd explain to them what he could eat, they'd ignore it. Until the day I was assured that there was no milk in something, he ate it, and an hour and a half later proceeded to puke all over their kitchen. I dug the box out of the trash, and low and behold, there was milk in it. Or when I told him to stay away from their live Christmas tree, and he didn't and his arms swelled up like Popeye's.

 

[Shari]

Have spent a lifetime in that hotseat.

I used to get mad, until I decided it was an opportunity to educate the ignorant. You have to realize this stuff is somewhat the "norm" for us as warrior parents, but to your average person.......they just haven't got a clue. Now you can't control whether or not they learn anything, that's up to them. But as far as I'm concerned, I can at least give it a shot. If I get negative feedback from them, I know they're not a person to share that info with. Stinks but that's just the way it is. And that's why and how this board got started.

((hugs))

Another favorite line...i am responsible for what I say, not what you understand...

 

[DS3]

Oh sweetie...big huge military mommy hugs! You are young enough to be my daughter but if you want me to adopt you I will. LOL.

I know its frustrating when everyone wants to ask you all those annoying questions. They always ask me stupid questions about how I am feeling. Like suddenly my bipolar or arthritis and other chronic pain issues are going to magically go away simply because I happen to be smiling...lol. Oh heavens...forgive me. I forgot to mope continuously for their benefit so they would always know I am sick. Idjits!

I would hate to be in your shoes knowing daddy is overseas for a long time because basically you are a single mom but the kids still know daddy is there and daddy is most likely calling home (they do that now I hear) so the kids get all wind up for you and then you are left to deal with it.

Back when my kids were little and daddy was out of town, we didnt even have a phone so he was just gone. I just dealt. I think it was easier that way. Plus daddy came home at least every other weekend to help.

We email mainly. It's easier for him to get to a computer then wait in line for a phone. But that also means we can video chat some days. Don't know which is worse, the phone calls, or the video chat. difficult child won't talk to daddy at the moment unless he's in the 'mood' to do so. difficult child 2 loves him and keeps pointing to his picture for days after and I think he's just asking where he is. Luckily enough, we're down to less then 3 weeks before re-deployment (coming home).

 

[DS3]

I'll ask difficult child what he did before Word 2007... 'cause he's been there, too. There ARE ways.

by the way - you are welcome to text here too...as in, we'll figure it out. Don't need proper English, or caps, or any of that fancy stuff.
We'll STILL get it. Can't be as hard as figuring out an overloaded difficult child's rant-language!

Please do. Then again I wonder how much background noise can be going on for the program to work... Kids are very loud at times. And the proper english... habit. I never really shorten anything down to the txt because it tends to annoy my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and I don't know the language. A few yes, but all of it, nope. I'm just out of that generation to know enough, but not to know it, if you know what I mean.

 

[InsaneCdn]

MS Word 2003 either has voice recognition by default, or it can be downloaded from microsoft (I think it depends on which version of OS you have...)...

More info, direct from Microsoft: How to install and configure speech and handwriting recognition in Word 2003