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From bad to worse...much, much worse.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 656776" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Both of us, Cedar, and many more besides us, established identities as women for which we were not destined. We defied expectations.</p><p></p><p>No.</p><p>It is this I choose.</p><p>Not this.</p><p></p><p>And then, when our children go off the rails, it is as if fate tells us: Who were you to think that you were different, better (than am I).</p><p></p><p>"Your mother was right. You are a little, dirty, pishy thing. You deserve nothing. And you didn't deserve to be protected (by me.)" </p><p></p><p>And now it turns into our mother's voices: "You are only what I say you are. Nothing."</p><p></p><p>And then we are destroyed. Hope. Destroyed.</p><p>Strength. Gone.</p><p></p><p>We forfeit the identity we had created in defiance.</p><p></p><p>I believe we do so voluntarily, believing that if we do so, this will assuage the Gods and our beloved children will be restored, unscathed.</p><p></p><p>Deliberately, we cut ourselves off at our beautiful legs (Thank you, TishtheDish) on which we have stood, so that our children may live. It does not work.</p><p></p><p>The shame is that we had wanted more, defying our mothers.</p><p></p><p>We abandon ourselves which we have created defying our pasts, to make them right. Belatedly. OK I will prostrate myself. Please spare my child. </p><p></p><p>It did not work.</p><p></p><p>xxxxxxx</p><p></p><p>M is afraid I will stop the Tango. He sees me trying one thing, than another, stopping each, when I find the defect (in others) to excuse once again abandoning myself.</p><p></p><p>While M loves my son and does not want me to turn away from the love and the responsibility I feel M holds my son responsible.</p><p></p><p>After each conversation my son and I have, he sees, my strength, undermined. I feel guilt and some shame I have not changed, sooner; that is, experienced all of this with power, not adding to the burden.</p><p></p><p>And he worries why I am at the computer so much.</p><p></p><p>My Spanish is not good enough to explain to him what this site means.</p><p></p><p>When reading postings on this site my feelings have been hurt or I have read here something that scares me, I have told him. A mistake.</p><p></p><p>I do not have the words to explain the good, strong things here.</p><p></p><p>My son just called. He has to leave where he has been staying. Some conflict. He wants to come here to talk. I say, OK. But not to stay. Your next step, is yours, to make.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 656776, member: 18958"] Both of us, Cedar, and many more besides us, established identities as women for which we were not destined. We defied expectations. No. It is this I choose. Not this. And then, when our children go off the rails, it is as if fate tells us: Who were you to think that you were different, better (than am I). "Your mother was right. You are a little, dirty, pishy thing. You deserve nothing. And you didn't deserve to be protected (by me.)" And now it turns into our mother's voices: "You are only what I say you are. Nothing." And then we are destroyed. Hope. Destroyed. Strength. Gone. We forfeit the identity we had created in defiance. I believe we do so voluntarily, believing that if we do so, this will assuage the Gods and our beloved children will be restored, unscathed. Deliberately, we cut ourselves off at our beautiful legs (Thank you, TishtheDish) on which we have stood, so that our children may live. It does not work. The shame is that we had wanted more, defying our mothers. We abandon ourselves which we have created defying our pasts, to make them right. Belatedly. OK I will prostrate myself. Please spare my child. It did not work. xxxxxxx M is afraid I will stop the Tango. He sees me trying one thing, than another, stopping each, when I find the defect (in others) to excuse once again abandoning myself. While M loves my son and does not want me to turn away from the love and the responsibility I feel M holds my son responsible. After each conversation my son and I have, he sees, my strength, undermined. I feel guilt and some shame I have not changed, sooner; that is, experienced all of this with power, not adding to the burden. And he worries why I am at the computer so much. My Spanish is not good enough to explain to him what this site means. When reading postings on this site my feelings have been hurt or I have read here something that scares me, I have told him. A mistake. I do not have the words to explain the good, strong things here. My son just called. He has to leave where he has been staying. Some conflict. He wants to come here to talk. I say, OK. But not to stay. Your next step, is yours, to make. [/QUOTE]
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