Frustrated and Sad

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by GinaMom, Nov 4, 2015.

  1. GinaMom

    GinaMom New Member

    I am having a very difficult time with my 17 year old who will be turning 18 February 5th. HE is currently a senior in highschool and has become someone I don't even know anymore. He has become a pothead, failing all his classes, cutting school, etc. He is so disrespectful to me (i am a single mom) and his grandma who lives with us. He yells using the F word at us and doesn't listen to anything i say. I have not control over him and after i tell him i ground him or simply tell him to stay in for the night he will pretty much say no and walk out. I have tried to stop him but then it starts to get a little physical and i back off and let him go. I have been working with his teachers, the school administration, talked to my pastor and I pray daily for him, for me to be able to guide him and for him to be safe. Nothing works, over the course of one quarter in school he is a different person. He is now going to be kicked out of high school and sent to the "bad kid" school for truancy. HE doesn't do anything he used to, just gets high (in my garage i might add which i have fought over and over about) and wants to be out of the house all the time. I told him today if he didn't show respect to us and be mindful of the house rules, then on his 18th birthday he will have to move out. This has been starting since March and i have been dealing with it over the course of that time, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to help him, but he doesn't want to be helped, nor can he tolerate me it seems. We are a close family and I don't understand what is happening. When it all began in March he actually agreed to see a therapist, and the therapist thought he didn't have a problem outside of being a teenage boy, but now it is out of control and more than that. Thank you for listening.
  2. Hi. I am sorry that you are having trouble with your son. Hun I was like that once, at 15, except I was on many drugs and popping pills by the handful, skipping school, stealing, breaking into houses, being disrespectful to my father, and many more things. I understand your worry, concern, and anguish however if he is only using marijuana and nothing else then I would totally agree with your doctors, hes a teenage boy. Marijuana is becoming more accepted by society nowadays. He doesn't sound like a bad kid, just a teenager. And by the way I am now 31 and am sober and without an adult arrest record and am raising my own children. Your son will be fine
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    This doesn't sound like 'typical teenager' to me.

    If it is, we are in a lot of trouble.


    I am so sorry.

    If he will agree to counseling, I would try another therapist.

    If he won't go, I would go to one myself.

    Stay with us, Gina. More people will come along.

  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Gina so sorry you are going through all of this. It is very difficult. This is a good place to come with your story, lots of folks, with much experience. I think Apples advice is sound. Therapist for him if he will, for you if he will or won't.
    We went through this with our oldest, not as quickly, it was more gradual. Or I have put it out of my head, because it was hard. Went from my child, to someone I don't know. And the hatred coming out of her. I thought maybe it was teen age stuff, but she never really came out of it. Looking back is that shoulda, coulda, woulda thing. If I had gotten her therapy would it be different? Would she have even gone? I guess the point is at this age with near adult bodies, especially if your son is getting pushy, what's a parent to do?
    If your son is threatening and violent to you, you need to call the police. That is unacceptable. The more he does this and gets his way, the more brazen he will be. If he is smoking or getting high in your garage and won't respect your rules call the police. Get tough.
    This is hard, no one wants to turn their child in, it may be what he needs. I do not believe in " just pot" dealers are mixing all kinds of chemicals in the stuff, and kids are more addicted.
    Gina, you and your Mom deserve to be respected and safe in your home.
    Please take care and make sure you are safe.
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Gina, I'm so sorry and welcome to this forum.

    My son's story is very similar to what you wrote. My son started using alcohol and pot and cigarettes and a hookah and then went to prescription pills (and who knows what else, I have found all kinds of drug paraphernalia over the years), and then to jail multiple times, homelessness multiple times and rehab. Almost 18 months ago he started turning his life around.

    Some people evidently can use pot and other substances like alcohol and some can't without losing their whole lives. My son couldn't and can't.

    I am completely against pot being legal because of we really need another drug like alcohol to distract us from our real lives and allow a whole group of people to go down the tubes. that is a subject for another post.

    Gina, while he is still a minor, seek whatever help is available to you, including law enforcement. I put way too much emphasis on "him not having a record." Really? Really? How was I to know the future and that a record would be the least of my worries.

    I would go and talk to the police, to the mental health people in your town, to nonprofit groups who work with kids and adolescents and young adults (they all have social workers on staff) his therapist or find a new therapist. To his physician. To anybody and everybody.

    You need help. You can't fix this. Once he turns 18, you will have very little legal ability to intervene and the stakes get much higher.

    There is no guarantee that all of this research and asking for help will change what he does and how the future plays out, but it is worth a try.

    I didn't realize the depth of my son's problems until he was 19. I have called the police on him multiple times for different things. They have always been helpful and compassionate.

    My son had every advantage in life but he decided to go down a path. Now, he is digging himself out of the deep hole HE DUG. This is important work that he is doing to learn how to be a functioning adult.

    It is never too late. My perspective has totally changed.

    If your son continues down this path, when he turns 18 follow through with what you told him. He will have to learn to live life on life's terms. If you get too involved, he won't be able to do that.

    Keep posting. We are here for you. We really do understand how hard this is. Warm hugs this morning.
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree this is not typical teen stuff and I've raised four, and two were not easy. I don't have much to add after reading ChildofMine's response. I think it is perfect.
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Gina and welcome. And some say pot is perfectly fine (rolling eyes). My daughter behaved the same way, senior year in high school was awful, she barely graduated. She didn't come o=home many nights and weekends were a two day pot fest with other potheads at someone's house where the parents didn't care. We called the police on her, took her driving privileges away, finally ended up kicking her out of the house at 18. I wouldn't go back to those years for all the money on the world.
  8. believe

    believe New Member

    Hi Gina.....I totally agree with story is oh so similiar.....get on it NOW.....I waited too long esp. when my son who is now 26 (started his downward spiral at about 16..pot first then many other substances were added along the way)...He was very good at hiding it and extremely good at manipulating me and looking back now I let it go on way too long ......I fell into the trap of enabling ...he would get another "new" job and make me all kinds of promises which because I so desperately wanted to think were true , I would then give him some "getting started money" or as he called it "just to get me over the hump money" all of which I'm sure now was spent on his "habits"...because after a few days, weeks, or sometimes even months that job would either be quit by him or get fired....this went on for 10 moms we want sooooo much to believe in our children but I see now that when they choose this path we have to let go and allow them to be on that path son knows the door if always open to him to visit but he is 26 yrs old now and our decision is now to allow him to make it on his own....we all find our own way of navigating thru this and I always like to say that there is no one definite set way so my hope for you is that you find your way with your child.....not allowing my so n to live in my (his own home where he was raised) home anymore was the single most difficult thing I have ever done in all of my 65 yrs on this earth...but I read this statement on here just the other day "by helping them we are not helping them" resonated with me.....I HELPED for too long.....last I heard is my son has tested clean for any/all drugs and has a job at nite stocking shelves in a grocery store and is living in a halfway house with a group of guys.....I think for me taking myself out of the picture helped because I was definitely the "weak link"...the person he could was hard really hard to do....sleepless nites...headaches....worrying all the time.....but I had to do it....will his clean drug status last??? I don't know..I can only hope and pray...the nite we made him leave he said to me "are you (me) prepared to let your son live in his car or on the streets? and I said no I'm not but I will because I love you that much.....we haven't talked hardly at all since....i'm sad but hearing that he is drug free for the first time in 10 yrs is worth it (and I heard this from his dad who took him to his counselor to get drug tested) one day at a time...I have learned that you can receive good news one day only to have it ripped out from under you the next so today so far is a good heart goes out to you gina.....much love and support...this site has saved me and brought me back from the brink of despair...hang in there my day at a time...Believe