Frustrated,sad and tired...

[alwaysstressed]

hi all , have been reading threads for ages and getting some support just from knowing that I am not the only parent dealing with this out there. Now is the time to write... Find it difficult to use the term difficult child as I just dont get it or feel it but will for the purpose of knowing whom I'm talking about.
my difficult child is 9 and we are still nowhere nearer to getting any diagnosis here in the UK than when we were 4 years ago when we first asked for a referral. My son is fine at school and manages himself quite well but it's almost as if he saves up any frustrations for home time and then unleashes it on us.
He is argumentative , has no respect or little for us, he is easily angered , half the time we feel as if we are treading on eggshells and our whole life revolves around trying to manage him and deal with his explosive meltdowns. I like to think we are good and kind parents but lately I hardly recognise myself and pretty much try and grab time to be away from him as when I am with him most of the time I am full of anxiety and a constant churning in my stomach.
Our families do not recognise anything is wrong and think we need to be stricter, firmer etc. This does not help. we have tried so hard with structure and boundaries and rewards and consequences. We have looked at diet and activities. But there seems to be no pattern other than if he dont want it then it aint happening. i have been sworn at , kicked and told to die. If he is angry or upset with a friend or a teacher he talks in terms of revenge. i am soo frightened for the future. when he was born it was the happiest day of my life, my partner is much older than me and pretty much made it clear he only wanted the one child. I was sad initially with this and really wanted another for the first few years... Now having experienced this I would sooner cut off my arm than have another!
I am sorry if I sound negative and I used to be such a positive bright person ... We have been told by the so called experts that he is quirky and suffers from anxiety and that's it. We have just returned to our doctor to ask him to re refer us as after a couple of more years things are just getting worse and he is getting bigger... I find this condition unbearable really......

 

[dirtmama]

you have come to the right place. stick with your instints, mothers always know! If the docs don't get it, go to another and another untill you get things figured out. That's what we are doing. i understand the frusteration, when dicipline doesn't work and you've given your all. I am reallly sad now...trying to accept things.walking on eggshells gets exausting... get to a good doctor and stay here for support. there is a wealth of experience and very kind people here..as you will soon see.

 

[lizzie09]

I was sad initially with this and really wanted another for the first few years... Now having experienced this I would sooner cut off my arm than have another! quote


I am sorry to read your sadness.
I have one difficult child and 3 PCs and only yesterday I said i vvould almost rather have none.. (no children at all) ..sometimes the PCs are harder to deal vvith than the other type!

 

[BusynMember]

If you were in the US, bet he'd have a diagnosis. of Aspergers. You may want to read up on it and see if it fits. If you think it does, there are a lot of online resources to help you parent him in the special way he needs it. I have an Aspie (or close to one) and, yup, he's quirky and very anxious about anything that is new, even at sixteen. Never saw any teenager so DISinterested in getting his driver's license. He told me, "I'm only driving on the quiet streets." He's my fourth kid and all my other kids couldn't wait to get their licenses and drive off with their friends. He doesn't really socialize much at home so it's important that we get him involved in appropriate (the key word here) activities for him where he can succeed AND be with other kids.

 

[Shari]

Hugs.

My difficult child 2 has just turned 8. We have known something was off since he was 2, and just recently are starting to get the beginnings of an accurate picture. And have been told by multiple professionals that its "just this" or "just that" or even "its nothing".

Trust your instincts and keep looking.

 

[KTMom91]

Welcome to the board!

I agree, keep looking for a doctor that will help.

Many hugs.

 

[alwaysstressed]

Thanks guys for all you replies, really means something to have contact with people who understand rather than think its down to your parenting skills.
Hi midwestmum yes we did initially have him tested for aspergers but found to be not plus as he's got older I can see that he does not tick boxes for aspergers. I really think it is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) along with anxiety but getting someone to agree with us is very hard. We are currently awaiting an appointment at the development centre which we have attended before a few years ago. The trouble is he is just so well behaved in public that people cannot believe it when we tell them. My mother and sister thought for many years that he needed a "good hiding" and was a brat until both seperatly came to live with me for some months ! After witnessing the daily battles they are in total agreement that something does not seem to compute in difficult child's brain.
What I find difficult is reminding myself that he cannot help it. He does everything in his power to offend and manipulate that its so hard to remember he has a condition...especially when all the so called experts so far are saying not. I worry that if this is not recognised then there will not be the support in place I am sure he will need when he is older. I also worry about me , as he already hits me in rages and have images of him when he is much older and bigger lashing out. I dont want my life to be like this. My partner (difficult child's father) live seperatly as it all became to much. We are still together and he is at my house every day but he finds it harder to manage difficult child's behaviour , is not very good at giving clear messages and seems to "wind him up" further. I just want a simple life and a son who is happy rather than angry, spiteful and so so moody...

 

[DaisyFace]

AS--

I could have written your post myself when difficult child was nine....

I think what professionals most often under-estimate is the toll these behaviors take on the families. I've been told "O, you just need to relax...". Well, that's great. How do I relax while this child is raging out of control somewhere??? Nobody seems to have the answer for that.

Sending strength and support and ((((hugs))))....I know you need them.