Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Rainbird, Jul 2, 2011.

  1. Rainbird

    Rainbird New Member

    I am still dealing with the demise of my relationship with my daughter. It has been 7 months since I have seen her. Her father, my ex had promised to help me help her a d turned it into a way for him to become buddy buddy with her and gang up on me. The longer the time goes without any peace between us the worse I feel. I have done detachment, therapy, medications (I have Bipolar) and nothing makes this feel any better. There are things I wish I could say to her. That I wish I had handled things without anger, but at the times things were crazy, etc. I have sent her occasional messages through Facebook (Birthday, etc.) but that is it. It is so hard to sit by and watch her be buddies with her Dad when even she knows that he treated us like **** and ignored all of us. He is having a field day with this and rubs it in my face any chance he gets. Ugh - sorry for the vent. Just feeling sad and frustrated.
  2. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I am so sorry you are hurting so much. How old is your daughter? I don't know if this will help you feel better at all, but thought I would share. My 18 year old son, at age 12 or so, was so out of control I was at my wits end. By then I'd been a long time member here, been through the ringer with therapy, doctors, psychiatrists, IEP's, day treatment programs for behavior etc. I ended up having him live with his bio father. This man also ignored my son his entire life as you mentioned your daughters father did. It took nearly a year for things to change with my son and I. He lasted only a few months with his dad but then went to his grandmothers (dads mother) rather than come home here. I had made criteria for him returning that required he be a healthy functioning member of our household and that his former behaviors would see the door opening to expel him once again. Killed me to take such a hard stance but something told me he needed to learn the hard way that the grass wasn't greener. I had him crank calling me repeatedly on Christmas day with his friends, the things he said were horrible and I spent the day sobbing behind the back of my youngest. His birthday was his one visit to me. I had easter gifts, birthday gifts, his fav dinner and a birthday cake. he went to my bed to sleep instead from staying out all night before coming over to see me. It had been months since he left and no contact. I tried to wake him 3 times. I then told him be up in 5 minutes to participate in a visit or get out and leave. He didn't get up and mouthed off at me. I tossed his miserable behind out, then wept and wept. Tossed out his untouched dinner and cake and it was rough so many other times.

    But my son eventually DID miss me, he HAD learned from me all of those years I was a mess watching him change into someone I couldn't stand. He came home and i can honestly say the change was night and day. All these years later he has moved out right after turning 18. He is living with his g/f in a house, not a rental. He has his first ever job and is paying bills, putting a new roof on their house and a new deck, making adult friends, joined a mens basketball league and calls me every single day! We laugh and talk and catch up and are very close. He has never disrespected me again.

    I can't say that will happen for others, but thought it might help you see that there can still be hope for you and your daughter. Hang in there and know that many of us do understand where you are at and have been there. (((hugs)))
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    It hoovers, it really does. But you know what? I have a feeling your daughter is probably a little less buddy buddy with dear ol' Dad than you think. Odds are, she feels like he owes her this time. Let her have it, in away he does owe it to her. It won't take too long before she gets his number and gets tired of it.

    In the meantime, you're doing great. You're giving her a chance to miss you.

    All of us have gone a little crazy and handled situations poorly at one time or another. Pretty much comes with raising difficult children. While you're a parent, you're also just a person too who has feelings and emotions.

    I know it's hard though. I went many years without contact with katie. While the fact that she still hasn't changed frustrates me and disappoints me.....At least now I know what's going on with her and the kids. Those years of not knowing were tough. I got better with detachment as time moved forward.

    But about that dad thing.......My own dad was that way. I went through the whole "he owes me" stage myself. It didn't last I was just better off, and had BEEN better off without him. All of us kids sort of went through it at one time or another.....the boys lasted the longest, boys have a really hard time letting go of the dad thing.

    I'm sure ex is having a blast rubbing this in your face. So instead of letting it get to me, I'd try another approach. I'd act thrilled that he finally has taken an interest in his daughter. Really play it up. Odds are his interest will wain pretty quickly. Sounds like he's petty enough this was to just get your goat.

  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    She's a kid..and believe me, this honeymoon stage won't last, even though it's been 7 months. I agree with Hound, act thrilled. They like to see our feathers ruffled, don't let anyone see it, I know it hurts. She knows what he did, she knows everything. She will come back to you, know that! ((HUGS))
  5. Rainbird

    Rainbird New Member

    She actually isn't living with her Dad. He basically paid to help
    Her move into an apartment with friends instead of having to deal with her and now gives her money every month for the apartment. So to a teenager he's good...shelling out money and not having to deal with any parents. A couple weeks ago they were all out for dinner for "Fathers Day" made me want to puke...what a sham! Thank you all for listening, I know you all get it. In all honesty I don't want her in my life unless she really does love me and wants to treat me kindly and respectfully. Blood or not, I don't need people in my life that treat me like ****.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911

    You know what Rainbird? You said everything you need to say in your last sentence - I do not need people in my life that treat me like POOP. This would include parents, spouses, children, friends, bosses, besties, lovers, the guy at the toll booth, grocery clerks, bankers, hair salon doooers (I forget what the professional name is), pet shop people, police officers, ice cream scoopers, cashiers at the mall, people that put flyers on your car windshield when you don't want flyers on your winshield, oh and this weekend there was a girl that followed me out of Staples of all places telling me she was with the DARE program and selling windshields -I just had a windshiled replaced on my car about 6 months ago (I have comprehensive because I drive up and down Hwy. 77 and we have gravel pits here and gravel trucks are common) So i said "Um No thank you I just had my windshield replaced I have comp." and she followed me anyway to my 20 year old car. Right? WRong - BAD mistake. BAD mistake. She got the Star lesson on WHY YOU should NOT question me when I say NO, and why you should not treat me like a child when I say NO THANK YOU I have gotten a replacement and WHY I'm not a liar - and then got THAT speech that NOT everyone in the world treats you like POOP." I mean what I say, I say what I mean and when I say "I do not want to donate to the DARE program and I do NOT want a windshield - IIIII mean it. My son is dead - he's dead because of DRUGS I donated for years to the DARE program - I don't care to make anymore DONATIONS TO the DARE program, that's really NONE of your business but since you asked me if I wanted a windshield and I said NO thank you, I just got one not too long ago - and you FOLLOWED me to my car like I was a child and a liar - ANYWAY NOW you are going to stand here and listen to me for the next fifteen minutes - DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM ME _ YOU ARE THE ONE THAT WALKED OVER HERE AND TOOK UP MY TIME _ AND TREATED ME LIKE POOP _ and belive me I was NOT saying the POOP word...I really was frustrated with this woman. So yeah you are right Rainbird - Do not allow people in your world to treat you like **** and when they do? No need to try to reconcile.....

    With regards to your daughter? Since she's not trying to sell you a windshield or get you to donate to the DARE program? My thoughts are simple? Mistakes are made because people are human. She needs to take a healthy dose of GROW UP and come to terms with the fact that her Mother is NOT perfect. When will that be? I have no idea. Suppose right now while Daddy Dearest is shoving perfection (Oh is that a lame term) in her face...More like Lincolns in her face and by the way - YOUR face honey.....not anything else, because if you think about it? If he had NO money? WHAT could he possibly offer her at this point? WHAT would he be shoving in her face then? Fatherly advice? Direction? Morals? When you replace all that wisdom with money? It's a whole lot easier for YOU the Mom to sit back and say "You know what? Yup it hurts that he can buy my kid - but the long run - the cash will run out, and when it does? What's left? I hope loyalty. For his sake FROM her - because at least that means YOU raised her to be a decent person.

    In the mean time? Are you going to miss her? You bet. Is that tough? Yup. Does it inhale violently? ABSOLUTELY. Is there anything you can do about it while they are plotting to be besties? (makes quirkly mouth noise that sounds like a man rear noise) Probably not - she's a teen - he's a child and you are about the only one with an ounce of sense and YOU have Bi-polar - do you see the humor in that? Lord I do. The crazy one is the only one with sense at this point. ((I say that lovingly because a lot of my besties are BiPolar (BP))

    You know your kid - if you think a good lunch with a sincere apology for your former ridicuolus behavior WITHOUT excuses would help and then one of those - "Well here's the deal - I made a mistake, I'm human, I am apologizing, and I'm sorry....I can't say much more other than I'm working hard to be a better person for myself and our relationship. I'd like to have a relationship with you if you'd like - that would be great, but I also know -like you - I won't be treated like I'm leaving the ball in your court. If you want to be friends - it's going to be up to you to call me and make the next move. I love you. I want a relationship .......I'll be here Then get up, hug her if she'll let you or give her a kiss on the cheek - then leave. Let it be. Then go on about your life and ENJOY it.

    That's about what I did. I went on - got on with my life - told my son I wanted him in it - but not if it was going to kill me - and then got on with my life. He went on to find his WONDERFUL DADDY DISNEY who as it turns out is SATAN....but that's another story......and I didn't interfere....I have never said a word TO my son even when I got calls that said very derrogatory things that I would have LOVED to have tap danced over and agreed about. I just said things like "OH, or You'll figure it out." and trust me - ALL of me wanted to scream - YES YES he IS A FIRST RATE BUNGHOLIO....I TOLD YOU SO....HE IS THE DEVIL INCARNATE...IS IS a (FILL IN THE BLANK) but I just said "OH wow - you don't say?" and bit so much of my tongue off it's a wonder I can seal envelopes at all.

    As far as revenge or anything like that? nope - If that's what it's all about? then you still care too much and need therapy - Just my .02 - When you feel zero about him and what he's doing? Then you've moved on. He doesn't count and he's nothing to you. Then your daughter will be like - WOW look at Mom been through all that and moved on. That's cool. She's got a life.......and she won't worry about you and will know you are settled and happy and will get on with her own life too. It's a great example to set for a kid. Especially a daughter.

    Hope this helps - Glad you're here. And FWIW - kids LOVE to play monkey in the middle to get as much as they can - so be aware - and don't eat too many bananas.....

  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    What Star said.

    Miss KT will be 20 in August. She rarely sees her father (aka Useless Boy), though he lives barely an hour away, or her grandmother, from whom all monies flow, and who lives maybe fifteen minutes down the road. Even though Miss KT and I can fight like cats and dogs, and she tells me every so often how much she hates me, my Hubby, this house, etc., when the chips are down? She calls me. She works both UB and Grandma for things, but I'm the one who went on the three-day road trip to tour a college with her. My Hubby and I take care of the day-to-day stuff. She knows who she can count on. I imagine your daughter will also have that revelation at some point as well.

    Hugs. I know it hurts when they're being so poopy.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    And KT mom makes the excellent point of -------SHE KNOWS who she can count on.......
  9. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I can relate to so much of what you've posted. My DEX, who abandoned his family to pursue happiness in the form of young females, swooped right in when I called difficult child on some pretty big lies and some seriously bad behavior. He "understood", he was sympathetic...he even said to her once "if you ever need to talk, remember, I dealt with her (meaning me) for over thirty years." She moved in with him and he went into full-buddy mode. He has redeemed himself - at her expense. It sounds like your difficult child's dad is doing pretty much the same thing.

    But, remember, our difficult children are very smart. She knows what she's dealing with as far as he goes, but it's working for her now.

    As hard as it is (and I'm there RIGHT NOW), you have to give her the chance to miss you. Yes, you made mistakes - we all have. But I'm guessing you did far, far more things right than you did wrong...and I'm pretty sure she knows that, too.

    Keep sending her messages from time to time. Let her know you love her no matter what. As hard as it is to miss out on the day to day things right now, your patience will likely reward you with more time with her down the road.

    Hang in there and stay strong.
  10. Rainbird

    Rainbird New Member

    Thank you all SO much. You are all helping me more than I can say.
  11. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Dear Rainbird,
    Am hoping that your daughter will stop and think at some point soon and realize that her dad is befriending her to spite you and not necessarily out of pure love.

    I understand having Bipolar Disorder too as I have suffered many years with it myself...was only dxd 4 yrs ago. I was not (and I don't believe you were either) a terrible mother...but I was a fairly sad, depressed, frustrated mother. This could not have been helped until I got dxd and got on the right medications. We have to forgive ourselves for past mistakes and move forward with today. There are NO perfect parents ya know...just ones that love with all they have at any given time.

    Hang in there...she'll see the light eventually.
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    Rainbird... I understand, from a different perspective... Onyxx's behavior went so far over the line, that husband felt he no longer had a choice (well, he did - take the action that he took, or continue putting up with the abuse, and letting Jett and I also put up with it). He said no more.

    After two weeks, Onyxx called BM. This is the woman who told her, flat out, "I don't care about you", suggested Onyxx call the man who allegedly molested her, took that man's side over her daughter's even when CPS said they thought it happened, even married the guy... Did not make any effort whatsoever to contact her daughter for two years - because Onyxx would no longer do her bidding and make life difficult for husband, on BM's cue. Because Onyxx saw what reality was, and who loved her enough to try and keep her safe.

    BUT - Onyxx was angry (still is) at husband, because he refused to put up with the bovine manure anymore. husband found Onyxx a safe place to stay, with someone who is actually trained to handle extremely troubled teen girls. husband is paying for this. It costs more per week than he gets in child support per month for two kids - not just Onyxx. And since BM is always looking for new stuff to throw at husband, in an attempt to have him put in jail (she's been trying for 9 years this month - succeeded in a 3-day stay for him, 2 years back, because of a huge mess up in the courts) - well, who better to help Onyxx get revenge on husband? And, bonus, she has finally found something that will make BM love her again.

    No. Because, no matter how this turns out, somewhere along the line, Onyxx isn't going to do what BM wants, and she will be rejected again.

    I say all this because your daughter has it great right now. But daddy won't live forever; and daughter's friends will grow up, straighten out or get even more crooked and go to jail, and eventually, she will have to do for herself. And she won't know how. What she will know is that someone out there loved her enough to try to teach her appropriate things. Someone loved her enough to say no - to yell and scream. To not put up with the garbage.

    I won't say it will all be roses, and she will act on that. But she knows you love her. Just as Onyxx, hurt as she is right now by what she perceives as another huge rejection, knows that husband and I love her. It's buried. But it's there.

    Gentle hugs, hon. It's not easy, I know. And it may continue to get harder for a while... Because the only way to make it not hurt at all is to become numb. That's no way to live. Detachment helps... But hard as I have tried to detach from Onyxx's drama... I'm only partially successful... And I've been trying for a LONG time...