Frustrated!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by wife of taxman, Jun 13, 2007.

  1. wife of taxman

    wife of taxman New Member

    I am new here, so be gentle. My son is 11 and has ADD. He is medicated. We don't take vacations from his medication because his behavior goes to pot when we do. I am generally an organized person that does not procrastinate AT ALL!! His procrastination, defiance, and excuses are driving me CRAZY!! I jsut ask that he read for 30 minutes a day. I have told him to do it in the morning. I go to work, I have a sitter for him and his 2 siblings. Tonight, I asked him to read for his 30 minutes (most of which he watches the clock). He asked if he could read for 12 minutes. When I told him that his desk chair should be cleaned off he gave me an excuse about the clothes on it. Maybe I am PMSing or something but this is really bugging me. I finally called the EAP at work to have my son come in and talk to someone, I probably could use it too, I am sooo frustrated. I try to help him develop some compensation but he isn't able to stick with them. My husband has ADD too and has the same problems. He is also medicated. I had to let go of any control that I thought I had for his issues. I don't know how to do that when it is my son. I read your postings and know that I am headed down some of the same roads and I don't want to go there. I want to avoid those roads. Frankly, I want to FIX him. My two other children are in advanced classes getting a's and b's. I know it must be difficult for him to be sandwiched between these other two kids but who is going to acknowledge my difficulty and frustration. I swear, I want to ring his neck!!!
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi there!

    Yes, I well remember those days with the frustrating ADDer in the house. I swear my kid couldnt sit still or stop talking if you paid him! He also wasnt a great student but he managed to do ok.

    Every kid is unique and they all have their own strengths. Does your son like to do anything that really captures his interest? For mine it was outside activities. He was into sports and hunting and fishing. He ended up running long distances to help him cope with being ADHD.

    Try to find something that is special to him. Mine was never a reader and I doubt he ever will be. In fact, that is why he didnt make SGT in the Marines because he didnt read the darn required books! Dummy. Oh well, he is a lovable goof anyway.

    These kids can make it. They just need to be channeled correctly. Help him find his strengths and interests and goals.
     
  3. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    my difficult child I is severe ADD no more H now that he's older, which makes it worse in my opinion. He has never been a reader and I have accepted that he probably never will be and he really can not help it, he just can't hold that focus. So I have compromised by buying him audio books, which he likes and the info is still going into the noggin respectively. difficult child I has had a horrible time in school for the past 5 years, and he's failed this year as a freshman, sadly. With difficult child II being so unstable lately, it has been hard to keep riding difficult child I. But at 16 he's learning from his actions whether he likes it or not. Votech is lined up for next year, the hands on learning is just the best fit for him. I understand your frustration. But whether it be ADD or a Mood disorder, it truly helps to pick your battles. This is where d/h and I often disagree, sadly.... welcome to the boards they are my sanctuary these days
     
  4. wife of taxman

    wife of taxman New Member

    That's part of my frustration, there doesn't seem to be passion for anything. He just wants to play. Life doesn't happen with play time. When you ask if he understands why I am angry his response is usually "I dunno". I am not clear as to whether this is just adolescence or the ADD. My older son isn't near as difficult.
     
  5. wife of taxman

    wife of taxman New Member

    Why do you think it's worse without the H? My son doesn't really have the H either. His indifference bugs the he** out of me.
     
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wife,

    welcome to the board. I to have an 11-year old with adhd. I am a very neat and organized person. Everything has it place and purpose and I like to control!!!! Probably the worse type of person to have a kid with adhd!

    One thing you have to accept is that noone can fix him. Your son is who he is and that is that. He can be helped by medications, he could be helped by therapy, but he is who he is. He may not get the same high grades as his sibs, but he has special gifts and talents that will show themselves.

    I do understand your frustration. Our kids challenge us at every turn - I call it the "edge of the seat syndrome". Never feeling your can relax, especially in public!

    Some of the things you describe in your son are classic add stuff and others are classic adolescense. I know that you know that no two kids are the same, you cant' compare your older son to your younger son. Your older son may not have the issues to deal with that your son has.

    You know, it might be a good idea to read the Explosive Child by Ross Greene. While it appears your son does not rage and have high frustration issues, the book is great for helping us see that our children are wired differently.

    We have to understand that they are dealing with issues that we are not. It's not as easy as them wanting something and us dangling a carrot in front of them to accomplish the task. They loose site of the carrot.

    I'm glad you have found your way here.

    Sharon
     
  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Welcome.....

    I would definitely read the book LildudesMom suggested, The Explosive Child. It will give you a wonderful insight into how to deal with kids that operate in the world a bit differently, and it will give you tools on how to be more patient and relaxed in your situation. Many of us have read it on this board, and found it to be a life changing book.

    Good Luck
     
  8. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    It’s hard not to take our ADHD kids’ behavior personally, but it’s not personal.

    If you’re not familiar with-the “2/3rds rule,” it’s helpful knowledge in understanding behavior. It’s pretty typical for an ADHDer to operate at 2/3rd’s their chronological age maturity and emotional-wise. ADHD doesn’t affect intelligence, but if your 11 year old seems to be acting like a 7 yr old, it’s likely the best he can do.

    I try to work around these type problems the best I can. 30 minutes may seem like a life-time for your son. Try breaking the reading session down into 5 – 10 minute increments. (My son hates to read because it’s difficult for him, so even this is a stretch for him.)

    Understanding emotions…. Definitely a difficult problem here…. My son still has problems identifying feelings and reading body language.

    Welcome aboard.
     
  9. Crazy-Steph

    Crazy-Steph New Member

    I understand where you are coming from. My son has no motivation to do anything. His indifference is also very very frustrating.

    I did not know about the "2/3rd's" rule. Very interesting. I will also check out the 2nd website you posted.

    janav72, the audio books are a great idea! In our case though, I think it is more lack of imagination. He can't "picture" things, does that make sense? For example, with legos, he can only build what is on the box; or when he wants to write songs for his guitar, they are songs that already exists, but he tries to claim them.
     
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You have alot of good advice above. It really boils down to you having to modify your parenting techniques and sometimes your personality to parent this child. It will be different from your other kids. It will be much harder.

    Welcome to the site!!
     
  11. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    Hi and welcome.

    I like Sheila's suggestion of breaking it into smaller increments - 3 10-minute reading sessions a day instead of one longer session. I might even be able to get my difficult child to do that with books he doesn't like but has to read for school LOL.

    As Sharon said, you can't fix our kids- they are who they are I tell my difficult child there's nothing wrong with him, he's not broken and needing to be fixed. He's just different and that doesn't make it bad or anything wrong with him. You just have to come up with different parenting strategies to get them able to function in a world where they're not in step with everyone else. It's what I like about this site, you can get lots of ideas to try and lots of them work. Like Sheila's reading suggestion, it's fairly simple but I never thought of it myself.

    Hope you find the site helpful.
     
  12. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    I find with my difficult child 14, she doesn't not care for reading either. So we do the she reads 10 minutes, I read 10 minutes, then her again. Its nice to have that one on one time, plus gives us the chance to discuss the story and I can evaluate her understanding. Its hard to make a child read. In fact I would say impossible. You could tell him 30 minutes, he could stay in his room for 30 minutes, but in the end you don't now if he read or not.

    As the others have stated, you cannot fix him. He is not broken, just different. You need to bend a little and compromise where you are and what you want, to what he is capable of. I think we all have figured out no children are alike, and just when you think you have them figured out, they change!

    Welcome to the site.
     
  13. wife of taxman

    wife of taxman New Member

    Thanks so much for your encouraging words. I will definitely get the book and look at the websites. I went back to my counselor and she suggested getting him tested by someone else other than the school system to see if he has any other issues other than the ADD. The school tested him and he did not have any Learning Disability (LD) but he just seems to have a disconnect somewhere between brain and hand. I often feel like I am stumbling in he dark looking for something to help him. I know he doesn't need 'fixing' in my head, yet I feel driven to find an explanation to what is going on in his head that makes sense to me. He is so inconsistent that even the teachers are often stumped. One day he seems to know all the material they are teaching and the next he knows nothing. One day he comes home with A's, the next F's. It just doesn't make sense. I really am okay with who he is.

    It's the excuses that drive me crazy. He doesn't want to put something away because his sister used it, he doesn't want to do that because he's tired. I want to grab him by the ear and drag him around. I think that is where the most frustration is.

    I TOTALLY understand the point about him "not picturing things". Mine is like that too. He also can't put words to paper. If you ask him to explain something that might take you and I a paragraph, he would give you a sentence.

    Being that my husband is ADD I have talked to him about his experience in school. He was generally humiliated and struggled through all his years in school. I live to change that legacy for my son. I just don't want him to struggle in school and I don't want him to have low self esteem and lose multiple jobs because of organization issues. I don't want him to be an alcoholic (my husband has been sober for 20 years). I want more for my son than all that. I guess I need to remind myself that my son is not my husband but knowing what I know about having ADD and living as an adult I feel like he needs certain skills and it frustrates me when he just doesn't seem to have them.

    Does that make sense?

    You all have been great with your comments. Thanks so much for the support. I will keep reading.
     
  14. wife of taxman

    wife of taxman New Member

    Thanks so much for your encouraging words. I will definitely get the book and look at the websites. I went back to my counselor and she suggested getting him tested by someone else other than the school system to see if he has any other issues other than the ADD. The school tested him and he did not have any Learning Disability (LD) but he just seems to have a disconnect somewhere between brain and hand. I often feel like I am stumbling in he dark looking for something to help him. I know he doesn't need 'fixing' in my head, yet I feel driven to find an explanation to what is going on in his head that makes sense to me. He is so inconsistent that even the teachers are often stumped. One day he seems to know all the material they are teaching and the next he knows nothing. One day he comes home with A's, the next F's. It just doesn't make sense. I really am okay with who he is.

    It's the excuses that drive me crazy. He doesn't want to put something away because his sister used it, he doesn't want to do that because he's tired. I want to grab him by the ear and drag him around. I think that is where the most frustration is.

    I TOTALLY understand the point about him "not picturing things". Mine is like that too. He also can't put words to paper. If you ask him to explain something that might take you and I a paragraph, he would give you a sentence.

    Being that my husband is ADD I have talked to him about his experience in school. He was generally humiliated and struggled through all his years in school. I live to change that legacy for my son. I just don't want him to struggle in school and I don't want him to have low self esteem and lose multiple jobs because of organization issues. I don't want him to be an alcoholic (my husband has been sober for 20 years). I want more for my son than all that. I guess I need to remind myself that my son is not my husband but knowing what I know about having ADD and living as an adult I feel like he needs certain skills and it frustrates me when he just doesn't seem to have them.

    Does that make sense?

    You all have been great with your comments. Thanks so much for the support. I will keep reading.
     
  15. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    A very, very wise counselor. I don't know why more do not give parents this advise because co-existing conditions are the norm rather than the exception. There are very few pure cases of ADHD.

    Our school district said difficult child didn't have any LDs also. You might need to review you child's report and the subtest scores from the school district. If you are unfamiliar with what the scores mean, post to the Special Education 101 forum.
    The school's testing may be 100% on target, but until you have difficult child privately tested do not accept it as an absolute. Additionally, LDs in very young and elementary age children sometimes do not surface as "significant" until middle-school and later.

    been there done that. It's why I have several thousand links saved to an Excel spread sheet (many no longer active lol)and a home library on ADHD, et al. And interacting with-parents on this board has been invaluable.

    It makes perfect sense to me. About the only thing consistent with an ADHDer is their inconsistency. Even when ADHD medication works well, the medication helps but does not cure this characteristic.
    We each must have a twin..... lol I find myself less tolerant of inmaturity the older he gets. I have preached, "We are a family unit living in one home -- it doesn't matter. Put it up!"

    "I'm too tired to do xyz" is an excuse difficult child uses also. Translation: I don't want to. In these instances, it is pure "excuse." But there are times when he is "too tired." I feel these instances are primarily attributable to residual fine/gross motor skill problems (aka motor apraxia, Coordination Development Disorder).

    None of difficult child's dxs came as a surprise to me except gross motor skill delays. You could have knocked me over with a feather. difficult child had none of the obvious problems that a layperson can "see."

    I point this out because fine/gross motor skill problems can co-exist with ADHD. Your child may not have motor skill problems, but it could be part of the puzzle. If your difficult child has ever had problems with delays in learning to crawl, walk, tying shoes, holding a pencil, using scissors, balance problems, general clumsiness, etc., it might be something you want to check out with a Pediatric Occupational Therapist.

    Again, we have twins. This was a symptom of my difficult child's fine motor skill delays AND Expressive Language Disorder. Handwriting was difficult for difficult child, so he avoided it (still does). Scribing for him helped tremendously when he was younger, however, that's was not treating the real problem -- he needed Occupational Therapist (OT) Therapy. It helped a lot.

    Symptoms
    Symptoms differ from one child to the next, and depend on the child’s age and the severity of the disorder. Symptoms can include:

    Frequently having trouble finding the right word
    Using the wrong words in sentences or confusing meaning in sentences
    Making grammatical mistakes and using poor sentence structure
    Relying on short, simple sentence construction
    Relying on stock standard phrases and limited content in speech
    Inability to ‘come to the point’ or talking in circles
    Problems with retelling a story or relaying information
    Inability to start or hold a conversation
    Misnaming items - this is called dysnomia
    Difficulty with oral and written work and school assignments in older children. </div></div>

    That happens more frequently than one would expect this day and time. A lot more is known today about disorders than in years past, but it continues to occur.

    I'm a big fan of multidisciplinary evaluations. Sometimes I feel that parents don't get a good grasp of what that is, and it can get complicated because a multidisciplinary evaluation would not be the same for every child. Ideally, my son's MDE team would have consisted of Pediatrician, Child and Adolescent Psychologist, Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist, Speech-Language Pathologist, Pediatric Occupational Therapist with-a subspecialty in Sensory Integration Disorder, and an Audiologist with-a subspecialty in Auditory Processing Disorder. We would have gotten to where we are today a whole lot quicker.

    All these years later, I'm still angry at difficult child's 1st psychologist because he didn't tell me about co-existing conditions. He also didn't tell me during his evaluations he had identified possible language problems in a way that I could understand it. (Years later, I got a copy of difficult child's records and that info was in them.) All he said was that difficult child had ADHD, get Adderall from his pediatrician, and "If his behavior doesn't improve, bring him back. We'll turn him around in six months." What a joke....

    The psychologist is very reputable, and very good at what he does. BUT he is not an Speech Language Pathologist (SLP), Occupational Therapist (OT), Audiologist, or autism specialist and he missed red-flags for problems that needed immediate attention. At the very least, he should have referred us to a Speech Language Pathologist (SLP).

    Sometime ago I posted Captain of Your Ship? Fran gave me some very startling information way back when. Nothing much has changed, e.g., parents are still the captain of the ship.

    Gosh, I'm way to chatty this morning.....
     
  16. wife of taxman

    wife of taxman New Member

    OMG!!!!! So many things you said made perfect sense to me, in fact, I am almost crying (I am not generally a crying type person so this is a big deal).

    Although my difficult child started walking during the range of normal, my other two easy child started walking long before them. My difficult child didn;t walk until he was 13 months old. He also needed speech therapy because he was delayed in speech and just finished this past year through the school district. He has always been less coordinated than my easy child son, who is older. I had no idea that fine/gross motor skill problems can co-exist with ADD. He also had trouble cutting.

    His hand writing is attrocious. When he went on medications it helped but he still avoids writing at all costs. I have also scribed for him and have often suggested using the computer to write things out but he still comes out with one sentence to explain something, leaving out many details.

    Wow! Your post gave me so much hope and tons of information. Thank you so much.
     
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi, welcome...
    as you can see, you've gotten some great advice and leads here. Wish I had more to add, but I can still lend support.
    This is a great bb.
     
  18. wife of taxman

    wife of taxman New Member

    Everyone has given some great information. Thanks. My son has been to a counselor. Frankly, thinking about the hour, I was totally frustrated because it seems like we got no where but the counselor was good. I also got the name of someone that can test my difficult child again and I have made an appointment in August. My husband just shakes his head at me. I think he thinks I am trying to fix him. I just KNOW that there is something other than the ADD. I NEED to know what else we are dealing with. My son gets no accommodations in school and I really feel that if he could get tests read to him he would be much more successful but the school district won't do that because he does not test as having an Learning Disability (LD) according to them. I would love to hear about others experiences with the testing process and how the results changed what they were doing for their difficult child. Thanks for all the support. I really needed it.
     
  19. Tezzie

    Tezzie Member

    You could also be talking about my kid but throw in ODD, Learning Disability (LD) & total lack of impulse control. He also hates to read BUT got hooked a while ago on these Japanese cartoon books that read from back to front. He actually has asked for a couple of them. We also do the books on tape thing.

    My response when he is asked to do something that he didn't start (pick up something for example that someone else got out) is to tell him I didn't ask who got it out, I did ask HIM to put it away. I also go with the "we all live in this house & have to work together" theme.

    Thanks for starting the thread, I also learned some new stuff today.

    Tezzie
     
  20. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I don't really have much to add. I can tell you that an IEP at school has definately helped difficult child. The more you do, the more you read, the better you are able to parent difficult child. I fought with school district the entire year, not completing IEP until the very last week of school. I have met next years teacher already, IEP in place. School DOES know I follow through and will NOT allow them to target difficult child anylonger. It is so important you understand the needs of difficult child. i too originally wanted to FIX him. took me a long time to accept that it is OK for him to be different. It is OK for him to be who he is. He has amazing skills. Just needed a way for those skills to be brought out. He is different. Not wrong or broken. We deal hour by hour since he can change in an instant. We have our days, hours, minutes and they seem to last forever. Then we have the good days, hours, minutes. Right now we happen to be on a "good" run. That could all change in minutes. We work with it. difficult child knows that too. He can't help it. So we learn together.
     
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