Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by dstc_99, Feb 3, 2013.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    So for the last couple of years I have worked with difficult child's cheer team and the youth girls that they work with. I love doing this because I enjoy working with the little ones and I enjoy giving back to the community. This year I had to promise difficult child that I would step back from it considerably because it really irritates difficult child when I am involved in her stuff. I know sad but at that point it wasnt worth it to argue.

    I got difficult child to agree that I could do youth cheerleading and then small supportive things without difficult child :censored2:ing and moaning about it. Of course it still caused a few small blow ups when I would have to ask a question and she didn't want to answer.

    Anyway the point it that Friday night I wrapped up my "cheer mom" career. Since difficult child moved out and quit the team I am was technically done a while back but I had committed to an Elite Youth squad and they were 3/4 of the way through the season so I really wanted to finish it. difficult child wasn't here to ***** about it so nothing was holding me back. I could do something I enjoy without fear of difficult child's bull****. The Elite squad had their final performance on Friday and it went really well. I was so proud of them. They hadn't had much practice and had never performed in front of a crowd but they did a dang good job! Heck I didn't realize it at the time but they performed on homecoming night at a boys basketball game which means it probably had the highest attendance of the year.

    At the end I got a ton of accolades from kids and parents and even our high school coaches. A lot of these kids had tears in their eyes telling me how much they appreciated the opportunity because there is nothing offered like it in the area! I got home to more posts on the Facebook page about how much they enjoyed the year and how much they would miss me since we are moving.

    How is it that I can love kids so much and give my heart and time to them so they can have the things they need but my own kid can't stand me? Really I just don't understand? I would give her the world and I give back to my community and the children in it but difficult child only sees that as a threat or a nuisance. Not once would she ever tell me I did a good job at this or thank you for supporting her team even though it was a ton of work. I know I am not a bad person because if I were those kids would have walked out the door with a simple thanks that their parents made them say. Why can't my difficult child see that?

    How do you deal with that?
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    If it's ANY consolation, a high percentage of teens would be about the same for that particular situation. Hoovers, I know.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I wish there was a magic wand I could wave to fix this. I am sorry you are hurting so.

    Some of your difficult child's behavior is typical teen, though not all. She certainly has gone way overboard on the "it is MINE and YOU can't be part of it or have your own space/place in it because it is ALL mine" attitude.

    How do you accept this? By knowing that even if this part of difficult child isn't outgrown, it clearly is a fault in her and not you. I would bet she feels threatened in some way, like she cannot have her own place and be her own person because she is overshadowed by your accomplishments, skill, and relationships in the community. This is her problem, but accepting that can be hard work. If you can, work with a therapist about this.

    You clearly have a deep love of cheerleading and the kids you work with in that community. You add so much to the team and love doing that. Don't let anything stop you from something you love this much. offer to coach or help a team or the cheer organization in your knew area. Just because you are not a 'cheer mom' because you don't have a child who is cheering doesn't mean you cannot still be a 'cheer booster' or coach or even team/coach mentor. Someone to help new coaches figure it all out and implement it, to help and support the kids, and to share a passion with others who are passionate about it.

    difficult child isn't cheering, so you are not infringing on 'her' thing. She cannot really complain because it is none of her business, and you can tell her so.

    Kids need all the caring adults they can get in their lives. Many kids groups can only get parents to help, and often there are not many parents who are willing/able to help. So having someone wtih your experience, dedication and love of the sport and the kids is invaluable. Instead of retiring, find a new squad or organization to work with. I am sure there are MANY who would be absolutely thrilled to have you on board.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Susie put that so well.

    And I was also going to suggest that since you love this so much and the other kids benefit from it so much..........then why in the world would you stop? I certainly wouldn't let a child of mine (or anyone else for that matter) stop me from doing something that I love to do. Life is too short for such nonsense.

    I can offer this to you:

    My aunt did scouts for all three of her kids. She did cub scouts until her boys were too old and transferred up to Boy Scouts. She did the Girls Scouts with my cousin from Daisy all through the teen years.....until cousin dropped out. She continued even after cousin dropped out about age 16 because she'd had the girls in her troop from Daisy Scouts as well and they begged her to remain their troop leader. There was also no one to replace her should she quit. My aunt was a fabulous troop leader, firm yet patient with an amazing creativity and a way of making everything they did tons of fun. I didn't get to experience it first hand but I often saw all the projects she thought up for them to do ect and I admit it sparked many ideas I carried over for my own kids later down the road.

    My cousin was a major difficult child the moment she hit the teen years. I'm not sure if she'd have a real diagnosis or just one of major class A spoiled brat. She and her mom started butting heads severely at around age 14 and it went straight down hill. I'm 3 yrs her jr and I just could never figure out what cousins problem was because she had the most FUN and involved mom on the planet. I'd have given anything to have my aunt as my mother. But it seems that once those teen hormones hit cousin was bound and determined that everything her mom liked or wanted to do.......she hated. (although I knew better and so did her mom and everyone else) She'd *itch and gripe and go on and on how lame it was.......and it seemed to make her rebellion worse. By age 16 her life started taking a downward spiral......typical difficult child style.

    Cousin was in her late 30's, had finally been clean and sober for a few years before being brave enough to try to reconnect with her mom. She apologized for not appreciating at the time of her teen years how much her mom had loved her, how much her mom had been willing to show her she loved her by trying to be an active participant in her life. It took that long out in the the hard life she'd made for herself that bordered on a living hell for my cousin to appreciate that so many children didn't have the special mom that she did. Her mom was just her mom. Know what I mean??

    So while your daughter is *itching about you being an active mom now? Somewhere down the road later she IS going to appreciate it.

  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I can kind of relate. I have always worked with kids. Heck, I babysat and did pretend preschools that the moms in the neighborhood send their little ones to at our house in the back yard back when I was ten! We had them do crafts and all kinds of things. I love teaching and have always connected to kids. But my own kid could not handle me even showing up at his school. When little if he saw me (like on a parent day for ThanksGiving or some such thing) desks would tip and he would run screaming and pushing people and I am sure people thought, wow that must be an awful mom for her kid not to want her here. (he did the same if they came to our home....everyone had their place and our showing up in the wrong environment was too much for him). I started volunteering when he was in mid school in a different part of the school but just to get him used to my being there and after two years he could even come and say hi or ask for something, etc. Now I can show up though I always prep taking chances still to this day.

    Now it seems to be mixing with typical teen stuff because some things are "embarrassing" Know what I mean??? I always wondered what it would be like to show up and be like the moms who had kids run up yelling mommy! mommy! and jump in their arms. Instead I got screams and he ran up alright, to kick me.