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Substance Abuse
FURIOUS about this...now, what to do about it?
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<blockquote data-quote="lovemysons" data-source="post: 7291" data-attributes="member: 3305"><p>I was taking myself back in time, CAmom...</p><p></p><p>I remember at 13 questioning "If only I had been a better baby, a prettier baby, maybe born a boy instead of a girl"...what was it about me that made me not worthy of being loved well by him, devalued, not important, special enough, etc? </p><p>THIS is the mind of a budding alcoholic/addict or someone who will be attracted to them. It's how the disease affects everyone in the home, not just the one with the disease. </p><p></p><p>Taking everything and everyone personally, as though I have control over others or their actions. It didn't even occur to me as a teen that I had no control over what my bio dad supplied or denied. It was his lacktherein, his lack of capacity to love me well. He is an ill person. </p><p></p><p>My mother did me a huge favor by removing him from my life, and he let her. </p><p>He went on to have another daughter with another lady. I met her too when I met him at 17. I saw my facial features in the half sister. I heard the tone of my voice in her too, and my young difficult child is the spitting image of my bio dad. </p><p></p><p>I haven't seen him in years and only saw him a hand full of times after age 17. </p><p>I know today that his issues had nothing to do with me. He is an alcoholic. I don't own that. I've got my own issues. He was part of the vessel that got me here, but he does not own the rights to who I say I am today. My personal "truth" has been revised. I was BLESSED to not be raised by him, though I beat myself up badly. THAT is the disease of addiction. that may be the ONLY thing your son has in commen with that man. </p><p></p><p>Sadly too...that emotional wound was not something my mother could ease away, love away, buy away, or do anything to "fix" for me. It was a conclusion my heart finally came to even though I know how much my mom wanted to spare me all the pain, just as you want to spare your son. </p><p></p><p>Your son does not need to be defined by that bio person. That is not who he is. Boundaries, self protection, making conscious choices as to what we allow or don't allow ourselves is especially difficult for a "starving child", addict/alcoholic. </p><p>While I think that your son, as you state, has been deeply hurt and confused even further by meeting his biodad and trying to make sense of him, it is very important that your son address the only "medical" mental issue that he likely has in commen with his birth persons, that is addiction and the disease of addiction loves any reason to feel self hatred and depravation. That is what helps feed it. </p><p></p><p>You guys love him. Keep believin in his ability to come to the correct conclusion. Feeling overly sorry for him may only give him permission to sink further. Your husband is right on the money, in my opinion,</p><p></p><p> [ QUOTE ]</p><p>"My husband pointed out that the situation isn't much different than it is with our son's friends--he's got to be the one to make the choice whether or not he wants to smoke marijuana and/or drink, DESPITE who he happens to be with."</p><p> </p><p></p><p>[/ QUOTE ] </p><p>Now your son's real dad...what a BLESSING! You got a smart and very healthy man there!!! You were able to choose wisely. The way I see it, once your son starts connecting the dots for himself, he's gonna realize just how much his higher power had his back the WHOLE time. You guys were graced upon his life, in my opinion. He has alot to be thankful for...he'll get there. </p><p></p><p></p><p>definitely in my thoughts. </p><p>lovemysons</p><p></p><p>ps...Midwest mom has alot of good insight. Alot of kids are very intuitive and pick up on the "unspoken". Alot of resentment could have come from not telling him about his adoption.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="lovemysons, post: 7291, member: 3305"] I was taking myself back in time, CAmom... I remember at 13 questioning "If only I had been a better baby, a prettier baby, maybe born a boy instead of a girl"...what was it about me that made me not worthy of being loved well by him, devalued, not important, special enough, etc? THIS is the mind of a budding alcoholic/addict or someone who will be attracted to them. It's how the disease affects everyone in the home, not just the one with the disease. Taking everything and everyone personally, as though I have control over others or their actions. It didn't even occur to me as a teen that I had no control over what my bio dad supplied or denied. It was his lacktherein, his lack of capacity to love me well. He is an ill person. My mother did me a huge favor by removing him from my life, and he let her. He went on to have another daughter with another lady. I met her too when I met him at 17. I saw my facial features in the half sister. I heard the tone of my voice in her too, and my young difficult child is the spitting image of my bio dad. I haven't seen him in years and only saw him a hand full of times after age 17. I know today that his issues had nothing to do with me. He is an alcoholic. I don't own that. I've got my own issues. He was part of the vessel that got me here, but he does not own the rights to who I say I am today. My personal "truth" has been revised. I was BLESSED to not be raised by him, though I beat myself up badly. THAT is the disease of addiction. that may be the ONLY thing your son has in commen with that man. Sadly too...that emotional wound was not something my mother could ease away, love away, buy away, or do anything to "fix" for me. It was a conclusion my heart finally came to even though I know how much my mom wanted to spare me all the pain, just as you want to spare your son. Your son does not need to be defined by that bio person. That is not who he is. Boundaries, self protection, making conscious choices as to what we allow or don't allow ourselves is especially difficult for a "starving child", addict/alcoholic. While I think that your son, as you state, has been deeply hurt and confused even further by meeting his biodad and trying to make sense of him, it is very important that your son address the only "medical" mental issue that he likely has in commen with his birth persons, that is addiction and the disease of addiction loves any reason to feel self hatred and depravation. That is what helps feed it. You guys love him. Keep believin in his ability to come to the correct conclusion. Feeling overly sorry for him may only give him permission to sink further. Your husband is right on the money, in my opinion, [ QUOTE ] "My husband pointed out that the situation isn't much different than it is with our son's friends--he's got to be the one to make the choice whether or not he wants to smoke marijuana and/or drink, DESPITE who he happens to be with." [/ QUOTE ] Now your son's real dad...what a BLESSING! You got a smart and very healthy man there!!! You were able to choose wisely. The way I see it, once your son starts connecting the dots for himself, he's gonna realize just how much his higher power had his back the WHOLE time. You guys were graced upon his life, in my opinion. He has alot to be thankful for...he'll get there. definitely in my thoughts. lovemysons ps...Midwest mom has alot of good insight. Alot of kids are very intuitive and pick up on the "unspoken". Alot of resentment could have come from not telling him about his adoption. [/QUOTE]
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