Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tirednburnedout, Sep 26, 2013.

  1. tirednburnedout

    tirednburnedout New Member

    We have been going through a lot with our kiddos but I must say that I am a very fusterated mom and feel like I am always having to walk on eggshells around my two oldest children, our oldest has become extremely aggressive in the last year. I know that a blended family can be more difficult than the modern family but the therapist don't seem to understand that I have been the kids mom for the past four years dealing with behaviors and all the fun stuff that comes with behavioral children. I kind of feel like all the hard work we have put in to teaching them to act with respect has went out the window. Back to our son he is currently been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, and Emotional Disorder he is taking Concerta and Depakote which I know are some very harsh drugs to be on, it seems that behaviors became worse when we had some life changes i.e. dad lost his job, mom got pregnant with a boy (Mike has been the only boy in our family until now), and we had to move from a bad neighborhood. Now I do understand that all these things can cause anxiety and fear but to all of the sudden threaten to kill others and yourself its beyond me...Grandparents spoil our son and ignore our two other children. Mike (our oldest) has this entitlement attitude, (you have to do these things for me but I wont do anything for you) especially when it comes to respect. Both our children seem to think that they don't have to respect anyone and will yell profanities, hit, break things until they get what they want and most behaviors start when we ask them to participate with family activities, or chores.
    Mikes new counselor thinks that killing them with kindness will help, when I explained that we tried that for over a year and they just got worse she says well keep doing it. I just have a hard time giving respect when its not given in return. I was raised to get respect you must give it. I don't know how to feel or what to do now, any advice would be helpful.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. Sounds like you have your hands full and also like none of the kids have had a neuropsychologist evaluation to pinpoint the problems. I have no idea how old your kids are. That matters. If the oldest is ten that is better and more hopeful than if he is sixteen, in which case you may never be able to reign him in and drugs are probably involved too. You will have to tell us more about your family to get a good bunch of responses. I have a few suggestions.

    1. How long have you been married and where are all the kid's moms/dads and do they have a big role in their lives?

    2. Did you know the kids a long time, thus their issues and chemistry, before you moved in with your husband? Was it rushed? Do the kids fight or get along or seem jealous of one another? Stepfamilies can be very tricky if both parents bring kids to the table. Also, often stepkids do not think of thier dad/mom's spouse as their parent and are less respectful and even resentful of them. I can give you advice that hub and I used: Hub stepped off the discipline and let me and ex parent my kids together and things cooled off when he stopped trying to be Daddy II. But things were easier with us because my husband did not have any children so that issue of his/hers/ours did not come up. Still, my kids were very resentful of my husband until he became more a friend than the heavy hand and I don't think stepparents should act like parents to kids who are not their own kids. What are you main issues?

    3/ What were all these kids like before you got married? Were any of them ever tested or evaluated or seeing a psychiatrist? Their diagnoses sound like maybe they were seeing just plain talk therapists or social workers and it's best to hit the top guns for a diagnosis and medications.

    4/ How is your husband with all of this?

    5/I'd never allow grandparents to favor one child. They treat them all the same or they don't see any of them. I had this issue with my own parents and had to pull away. That is cruel. It's YOUR rules grandparents have to follow. These are not their kids. They raise their kids. If you don't like what they do, you have the right to cut off their contact.

    6/Did any of these kids suffer extreme chaos and/or abuse or SEE abuse in their early years? That is huge in their development.

    7/Any violence in the house? Any of the kids hurt other kids, hurt animals, or steal, lie, break the law? That could be attachment problems, depending on their background. Kids who threaten to kill you are seriously troubled and may need a buzzer on their door at night.

    8/Any of the kids act out sexually? Any possibly sexual with any of the other kids?

    You don't have to answer everything, but the more we know, the better we can help.

    Welcome to the board. So sorry you had to come here though. Sounds like bad stuff going on in your home. You may want to do a signature like I did below to give us an overview of your family.

    Sorry, but I did chuckle at counselor thinking "killing them with kindness" will work. Puleeeeeeeeeeeeez. I think you should let the counselor go and take the kids to somebody more realistic, maybe a psychologist with a PhD.
  3. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Just wanted to say welcome!

    Could you get a new therapist? Take them to a neuropsychologist for testing?