Gave in....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by weaselqt, Sep 15, 2007.

  1. weaselqt

    weaselqt New Member

    I gave in to difficult child 2. I just gave in. He has been so disrespectful the past 3 days, even hateful. Not just to me, but hateful to everyone - but very disrespectful to me. Well, I told him he could not go to the football game. I told him he was disrespectful and when he learned to respect me, then he could go. Well difficult child/easy child 1 was going to the game - even though she had her 1st dose of Remicade this week, she was sick for 2 1/2 days, she still insisted on doing what she needed to do on a daily basis. I did her chores on her days she was sick, but the others she worked extra to help me and her dad. She DEFINITELY deserved it!!

    difficult child 2 doesn't see it that way. He said he was sorry and that he wouldn't do it again (yeah, right) and even gave me a hug. I didn't hug him back and he got mad at me (that was one thing he would'nt do for me the other day when I hugged him and it was okay then). I just didn't feel like hugging him back! Isn't that alright?!?!

    He began the pity party for himself. I am so tired of it! difficult child/easy child 1 went outside and came back in to get something she forgot and I told him to get out of here and go to the game. But he needs to rethink his attitude (yeah, right, again).

    I shouldn't have let him go, but I needed a BREAK!!! I have NO ONE to send him to! I got a break from him- sent him to the game.

    And this morning - his nasty attitude is all over again! UGH!
     
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Well, nobody has to tell you that what you did took care of things for the immediate, but will cause problems in the long haul. He was pretty much rewarded for acting mean, and difficult child/PCI is going to resent him even more. You do know that.

    What you may or may not know, is that you are not the first and will not be the last person on this board who has given in at a weak moment to get a break. We all do it. Best thing that you can do is let it go. You can't change something that you already did. If you choose to explain to your oldest why you let the middle guy go, that is up to you. Otherwise, learn from that mistake and move forward. 'Tis not the end of the world (and may not be the last time you give in, either. Raising difficult children is not for the faint of heart)

    Hang in there!
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    As far as I'm concerned, being 100% consistent, especially with a child who has a mood disorder (and in my opinion probably isn't in control of everything he says or does) is not going to impact the big picture for either easy child or difficult child. You needed a break and you gave yourself one. Good for you! If you make this child stay home with you every time he has a problem, you'll get no rest, and he won't changed or be able to change anyways until he is stable. Lord knows, we aren't perfect! As for easy child, I would emphasize to her that he is treated differently, if he is, because he is sick. She doesn't have to like it, but it's true. I have to do that with my easy child, however I also emphasize that she gets privledges he doesn't get because he can't handle them, and she is pretty good with him. I couldn't be 100% consistent when my druggie daughter was acting up, and she STILL changed her life and got off the drugs and, when she did, the disrespect stopped like magic. (((Hugs))). I'd actually give myself MORE rests, if you aren't getting much relief. "If momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy." You may want to get another opinion on the medications. I wouldn't expect those medications to hold at mood disorder at bay. JMO :smile:
     
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Wellllll, it probably wasn't the best idea. That being said, I totally get where you were at and why you did it. Maybe next time, you could go to the game and leave him alone to stew in his pity juices?
     
  5. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I agree with MWM hat he may be acting angry and hateful because his medications aren't right. If he has bipolar disorder, Risperdal is not going to address it completely. Furthermore, ADHD stimulants like Metadate can completely undo any good the Risperdal might be doing. He needs to be on a mood stabilizer. I would strongly recommend a second opinion with a board-certified child/adolescent psychiatrist.
     
  6. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Geez, even parenting a easy child makes me want to scream in the night and giving in is also part of teaching negotiations and life lessons. Who doesn't have to give in to bosses, co workers, spouses, kids???
    The secret may be to use the negotiating to teach hime the "do to get?" that works for my difficult child.
    If he wants something like the game, then what do you want him to do for you?
    Pick your battles and remember everything we are teaching them isn't about the here and now but for the future of how to live a healthy,productive life.

    Ease up on yourself. Take stock of how you want to work with your kids and what result you want then start fresh today.

    There are times when difficult child hugs me that I can feel a bit frozen. Other times I love him to pieces. I try to keep it under wraps. You must act loveable for people to respond in a loving way. It doesn't have anything to do with "mama bear love". If difficult child does good stuff then hugs are welcome but it is unrealistic for him to expect that he acts horribly and you are to just open up and accept his affection willingly.
     
  7. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    You did what you needed to do at that moment. It's not the first time you gave in and it's certainly not the last. We all try to be as consistent as we can...I hope you enjoyed the "me time". Sending hugs-
     
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Go easy on yourself. Next time, stop and think before you doll out the punishment. As a single mom, I punished myself more than I care to think about. I learned pretty quick to figure out things that would not be a punishment for me, but for her only. It was tough and sometimes I had to deal with being limited and staying home or not watching TV.
     
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    One of the bad things about grounding kids is that you punish yourself. been there done that.
    Enjoy your time alone.
    Then pick up the pieces and, sigh, start over.
    So sorry.
     
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    He got rewarded for being nasty. Doubt there is a single mother alive who hasn't done the same thing. Sometimes our sanity is more important than their "winning." Best thing you can do is try to make his consequences consequences that don't ground you as well. I found that removing television cords was a consequence I could live with but my daughter couldn't. One thing I found has helped with her general nastiness is I simply don't respond -- not just to what is being said at that moment, but to almost everything. I will be polite but that's it. When she asks why I'm not talking to her, I simply state that I don't talk to people who treat me the way she is treating me. So, if she wants her mom, she needs to treat me as her mom. This doesn't always work, but does more often than not.

    However, I have a bigger issue with you not hugging him back. I understand the anger and frustration you had but he's still a kid and still needs reassurance that no matter what he does, he'll be loved. I think kids like ours need the reassurance even more than most kids. It's one thing if a hug is being done as a manipulation but if it is genuine, I believe it should be returned. It doesn't have to be long or even very loving, just an acknowledgement that you are his mom and do love him even if you loathe his actions.
     
  11. weaselqt

    weaselqt New Member

    Well, yes, I DID enjoy the evening. I ate supper with husband and easy child/difficult child 3 and even had a visit from mother in law. Everything was nice. No commotion, no fighting to speak, no telling him to be quiet, no one fussing! VERY NICE.

    We have appointment. with child psychiatrist on October 8. I am waiting - and waiting! ARGH!! In the meantime, I'm being more prepared and keeping a calendar for just one month on his rages, outbursts, etc.

    As for not hugging him back, he approached me quickly for the hug, I jsut kinda sat there - it happened in a split second - and he quickly retreated. Only a manipulative hug - I knew it and so did he - and he knew that I knew.

    easy child/difficult child 1 understands I need a break - but at same time she does resent him. But Ihave noticed that she gets so many more priveleges than he does - he really doesn't do anything but go to football games and church.

    I guess I can go to the game instead, but was pretty tired from work to go. Am planning on going to Homecoming game, let's see how he is between now and then.


    I am glad to know I am not the only one who many have done something like this - I really is hard.
     
  12. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member

    I completely understand about needing a break...
     
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is hard. At times when we realized that the punishment was harder on us than him we have occasionally renegotiated (like Fran said). That way he realized he was still receiving a consequence just a different one. Hugs.
     
  14. lynnp

    lynnp New Member

    Don't think though that he didn't learn from it. Sometimes when I give in, the guilt that my difficult child feels because he got what he wanted feels worse to him than punishment!! At some level, he knows that he shouldn't have been able to go and he's not nice for taking advantage. We ALL give in, and we ALL feel better when we admit it and find that we're not alone!!
     
Loading...