getting cursed at

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by upallnight, Aug 10, 2014.

  1. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    My middle son is an ungrateful person. He thinks it's our duty to pay his bills while he banks all his money. He graduated from college and has a good job. Prior to that, we paid for the phone, shared our car with him when he came home on weekends, paid his insurance, not to mention college tuition.

    Now that he makes money to support himself, we expect him to pay his own bills. He can give us money toward our phone, and he has got to buy himself a car and insurance. Today I told him to ask people at work about what type of car insurance they have, they offer a discount, it's a government job. He blew up at me. He says that I don't pay any of his bills. (On what planet, buddy?) Then he started to tell me he "is calling dad" to tell him how crazy I am. I told him he has to give me my car back (he borrowed it for the summer and I rode my bike to my summer job) and buy his own by Sept. 2, my first day back. He told me I should get an additional job, get off my lazy ass and then he called me a piece of s@@@ a few times. I kept ignoring him after that but have been crying.

    He works in another state Monday though Thursday, renting a room for those days. Then he stays here where we pay for all his food and everything. He is so ungrateful, mean and rude. There is more of this behavior but I am truly nothing in this kids eyes. It is sad. He doesn't even help husband mow the lawn, because he's a true creep. He says he doesn't live here.

    I just needed to get that off my chest. I'm going to read my book and enjoy the day. I just ignored him, I don't go back and forth yelling at people ever. It just feels like a punch in my heart.
     
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Time to stop putting out ANY money. It is also time for him to leave. There is no excuse for abuse-NONE. He will be fine on his own. Why on GODS green earth were you riding your bike while he drove around in comfort? Take the keys today.
     
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  3. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    He drove 3 states away to work so he lived near there for 4 days a week. I ride a couple miles. Plus, he was only getting paid at the intern rate until a few weeks ago. So now he can step up, right. I know you're all with me. husband is against me, and he created this monster. Even now, husband is blaming me for this outburst (?) and saying that I'm mean. Can you believe this? And it's my own fault, and he's sensitive and scared. Well Baloney! We are in dire straights financially. It's like husband told me I'm a lazy piece of s@@@ too without using those words. He's agreeing with the kid! Luckily I am an expert on detaching (or the appearance of detaching) and I will do it. I will take liberties I normally don't and think of myself more. husband will have fun mowing an acre of lawn tonight. Idiot!
     
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  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Oh my job ended (ESY) July 31 and resumes Sept 2. The kid left until Thursday night.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Now THAT reminds me of 36 and 36 no longer talks to me that way because I won't talk to him if he does. I hang up. He knows in advance I will do it too so it has made a big difference.

    However since your son (as well as 36) are fruitfully employed that is truly no reason for either to live at home with daddy and mommy. 36 is banned from ever living at home with us again for reasons like that, only he has also threatened me. Still...no reason for him to be home. And no reason for your son to be home with you. That's just plain ungrateful and mean. He doesn't like you? You're crazy (kind of a lol with HIS behavior). Let him live without you and pay for 100% of his own things.

    If this man were not your son, would you have anything to do with him? If not, you are being abused and nobody, not even your own adult child, should be able to abuse you.

    Be good to yourself and talk about when he is going to have to pack his things. There is no excuse for anyone to talk to you that way, including him. Respect yourself and set boundaries. If he won't respect your boundaries, I hope you tell him his time living with you is over. Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.
     
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like an awful place to be. I know what I would do, but I don't think you would want to pack a bag and leave them to it. I hope you can find peace in the midst of their nonsense.
     
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    How horrible for you! I'm just aghast that your husband is not livid. Mine would have decked my son for saying that to me! He'd certainly be given the boot out of the house. Stick to your guns and take your car back...sooner if you can. If your husband is so sure the kid is right, he can give him HIS car and ride a bike to work! (Big Hugs!)
     
  8. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    This morning I told husband that this kid has lashed out at me like this 3 times this summer. husband told me not to pick a fight with him. I guess suggesting things to make him more independent is off limits. I told husband I am putting his stuff from his room (it's small room, not much in there) in the garage. He can behave that way anywhere else. I won't tolerate it. He can blame me for doing it but pointing a finger at me, three fingers point back at him. Know what I mean??

    husband just told me that I am going before he goes. I think I may take him up on that, honestly. I don't know if I should call his bluff and bag up the room. Honestly, it would just be 2 trashbags full. I think I should hold my stance, do you? I'm not being bullied by those two anymore. I can't really think straight.
     
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    You and husband need to be on the same page. And if your son has completed college, he is of age and of means, to be much more independent. And no way should he treat you with disrespect. We helped our son briefly when he got out of college and before he found a job. If there are extenuating circumstances here, maybe you might be willing to help your son in some minor way financially TEMPORARILY. It is hard just getting started. But that needs to be clear (minor and temporarily) and in my humble opinion, all bets are OFF if he is disrespectful. That has to stop like yesterday. Yes, I would insist on this.
     
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Perhaps bag up difficult child and husband's stuff and put it out on the curb.

    In my humble opinion you are right and your husband should be supporting YOU. Your difficult child is (pardon this) a spoiled brat. He should leave your home altogether.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Husband is also a spoiled brat. They could maybe find a place together?
     
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Up, what in the world is going on with husband?

    Can you two go to counseling immediately? I hate to see you lose your marriage on top of everything else you are dealing with.

    Warm hugs. Hang in there. You're not crazy.
     
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  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Your signature confuses me. Is this your 27 year old, your 22 year old or your 20 years old. Because the middle one is listed as a easy child, but sounds anything but.

    I completely agree with Childofmine. This sounds more like a marital problem than a kid problem, although he may be a part of it. I would never tell anyone I don't know to leave their husband or end their marriage, but your husband is being a ... well the letters are husband, but it doesn't stand for dear husband. Has your whole marriage been like this? This is your biological child, not a step-child, right?

    Being spoken to that way is nothing short of abuse.

    I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this position.
     
  14. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    My middle son is almost 23, the one I'm speaking of. He is an engineer, making more money than I do. He does remind me of MWM's 36. Something is not right there. He has to move out of here. The worst part of all this is husband's attitude. We were on the same page with difficult child, but this kid is our golden child so to speak, he can do no wrong. You know all A's, deans list every semester, never a detention, polite to strangers, well spoken. He was always rewarded for this behavior, he clearly thinks the rewards are a given. We normally hold him in high regard together.
     
  15. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    How awful of husband to have said something like that to you.

    Ouch.

    Recovering posted to me once about the value to be found in not taking responsibility for the bizarre behaviors of others.

    You are in the right.

    husband is very wrong to talk to you that way.

    Is the difficult child triangulating -- you know, trying to set one parent against the other so the difficult child gets what he wants?

    Have you seen an attorney, to learn where you would stand financially in the event husband chooses to continue to disparage and insult you in this way?

    Counseling might be fine, but first I think you need to know where you stand financially.

    difficult child kids are really hard on marriages.

    I am so sorry this is happening.

    Cedar
     
  16. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Please consider counseling. I agree with the others. Kids ???? can put a strain on a marriage. Neither one of them should talk to you in this manner. Your spouse should have your back. You should stand united. What a sad and stressful situation. Good to hear your strength in your post. Good thoughts that this gets resolved in a healthy manner. Work needs to be done.
     
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh I am so sorry. You are a better person than I am because objects would have been launched in my house...lol. Most likely aimed at two people!

    We also have a middle child who Tony tends to feel is the golden child. Said child thinks it is hilarious because he knows his father has blinders on. However he would never treat me in the way yours is and if he did, he would no longer have the title of golden child.
     
  18. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    No, I am livid today, husband suggested I call this kid and tell him I'm sorry. I told him some things my friends said...you all.... husband doesn't believe it at all, he wasn't there. You now what, it's a matter of time before husband is the one this is directed at. My son reminds me of Bobby Fisher. My son was number 26 in the country playing chess. His girlfriend, number 1 in her class, both athletes and both engineers. She's captain of the dance team and published a book with her professor. He plays football. These 2 are think they are better and smarter and more beautiful than ANYONE. And they look down on EVERYONE. They are smarter. I can only imagine what they say to her father who doesn't work because he only speaks Chinese, the mother works 2 full time jobs, sleeping in her car most nights at the second job. Neither were raised to be like this, yet they are.

    On Thursday night I plan on speaking to him about honor-not only me, but himself and how I want him to fly out of the nest, maybe he can find a car and a place to live on the way out.

    I am almost 48 years old.
    JUST NOW though
    He just emailed me demanding an apology and saying again that I'm lower than dog poop and too dumb to talk to. But I can call him to say I am sorry. husband read this and is so sick. Something is really wrong with this kid. I didn't respond. My youngest told husband this kid DID say those things to me, husband didn't believe me before. I'm just ignoring this and going to the beach. I'm not listening or responding.
     
  19. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Good for you, upallnight. Good for you!
    Do not honor this.

    My husband used to say, never about our difficult child, but it kinda fits: Do not wallow in the mud with pigs. They have fun and you end up stinking.

    ....or something along those lines.

    Don't stoop to a response.

    I have better advice for others than i ever followed.
     
  20. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    So does your husband believe you NOW? Now that he's seen in writing what the boy said and your other child verified it?

    I'm still just horrified that he would expect YOU to apologize!

    I hope you enjoy a stress free day at the beach. You deserve it!
     
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