Getting Sucked Back In

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pasajes4, May 8, 2014.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My son called from juvie prison while I was at work. I could tell by his voice that something was wrong. I could not talk because I was at work. He called back as soon as I walked in the door. I asked what was wrong and he said he was hungry. I asked him if he was sick and not eating. e said he was not sick but that some kid has been taking all of his food for the past 3 days. I asked why he was allowing this to happen and he said he was afraid to say anything because then he would get jumped. I hung up and called his case manager to report what he said. She said she would look into it. I did not hear back from her.

    I was doing better. I had come to a more or less peaceful place. I am pretty sure there is more to the story than what he told me. I am once again feeling all those ugly feelings of dread , fear, and helplessness. I can't do this anymore it is and has been impacting my health and my sanity. He is too far away for me to be able to jump in the car to go check on him. I can't function right now. I want the pain to stop.
     
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh pasajes, I'm so sorry...........I know that feeling you describe all too well.........some things that work for me is to "lean into the pain" a process to open to it and let it move through us. Often we fight it which keeps it stuck to us longer.............if that feels right, give that a try. I have all those Pema Chodron books around, so I will read passages which helps me to get back on track. Exercise, it's said if you take a walk, within 11 minutes your brain readjusts and sends in the endorphins. Cry. Take a bath. Whatever your tools are, utilize them. I am saying a prayer for your son and for you...........God bless.............
     
  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that P. I hope the case worker can help him but unfortunately he has chosen to wind up in a place where he will be under major stress just to stay under the radar. He will have to learn to work that system the same way you have had to learn to live with his GFGness.

    Do this ~ Relate them in your mind.
    How many times did you not do something you wanted to do because difficult child would blow up?
    How many times have you lived in fear because difficult child's actions?
    How many times have you suffered because of difficult child?

    difficult child is now living in a place where he has to act a certain way in order to avoid another difficult child blowing up.
    difficult child now has to live in fear because of other difficult child's possible actions.
    difficult child is now suffering because of difficult child's.

    Sad but true. difficult child put himself in this situation and while I totally agree he shouldn't be starving I also don't think you should have had to live the way you did when difficult child was home.
     
  4. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    You've done the only thing you can do, which is report it to the authorities. Now you need to try to shake it off. Detention of any kind is horrible...that is why it is supposed to be a deterent. They won't let him starve. Being hungry is not starving. He will have to get through this place himself, as he got to this place himself.

    I am sorry for your hurting mommy heart.

    Hugs,

    Echo
     
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I agree with the thoughts and techniques Recovering, Echo, and District shared. What I would add is that when I am taken down to the level you are now, it helps me to get to the rage and frustration beneath the fear. Crazy as it sounds, I do this, and it works: Pound on a pillow until you feel the emotions, until the tears start. (It won't take long.) Scream into the pillow, pound on it, roar and rage into it. No holds barred.

    Then, you can see what it is you are dealing with, internally. Once it's out in the open, you can make sense of it.

    You are (we are all) strong enough to do what we need to do, both to help our kids and to help ourselves. What we need is a safe, immediate place to vent those emotions that are confusing and weakening us. It is best to provide this outlet for ourselves. No sense having all those emotions simmering away and breaking through at some other, probably public and extremely inappropriate, time.

    I am so sorry this is happening to your son. I agree with District about how and why this happened. You did the right thing in calling your child's worker. The people working in the facility where he is are aware of the natures of those in their care. It should never happen that basic necessities are withheld because one of the clients is bullying another.

    The facility is remiss.

    That is not the lesson your son is there to learn.

    Is it possible for you to speak with a counselor or with whoever is in charge in this facility?

    There must be someone.

    Find that person and determine the truth in your son's accusations yourself.

    Wherever he is, he is not there to learn that bullying is appropriate. He is there to learn a better way to function in the outside world.

    It could be that your son is targeting your vulnerabilities to hurt you. I am sorry to say so, but this happens to me with difficult child daughter. Recovering pointed out to me that my child seems to want to hurt me by telling me, in every gory detail, about the hurtful things that happen to her.

    I realized Recovering was correct in her interpretation of the dynamic between my daughter and myself. This same kind of thing may be happening between you and your son.

    I am so sorry, pasajes.

    It helps me to post about what is happening with me as I go through whatever painful thing is happening with my child. We are here for you. We have been where you are. It is a dark and hurtful place. You will come through this time, pasajes.

    Holding you and your son in my thoughts, this morning.

    Cedar
     
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I want to thank everyone for their input. The staff moved on what was reported. He asked to go to security and is now on a safety plan. He is going to have to deal with people who are every bit as difficult child as he is and worse.

    The two difficult children who were extorting him for the food will now be charged with extortion.

    They do want us to feel their pain. I have been feeling the pain his entire life. It is time for him to own it.
     
  7. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Pasajes, I can so relate to being "sucked in". In fact, today I thought how I have also been "sucked in" to our difficult child's drama, now that she is living 10 minutes away. It is so hard to avoid falling in their webs, especially if we are feeling normal "mom emotions" ( compassion, concern, caring, etc.) and reacting like moms are programmed to do. Unfortunately, with difficult children, when we let our guard down, we render ourselves vulnerable to revisiting chaos,hellish experiences, and ultimately, loss of peace and tranquility. It's my reality right now and I've got to detach once more or I'll regret it. I call it velcro time! Hugs to you!
     
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    dstc 99 made some excellent points. He is having to live with himself many times over. He will have to learn to stand up for himself and to fend for himself.

    Tryagain, I raised to other kids who I could have and feel all the normal mommy emotions for. They did not twist things and distort our relationship into an ugly mess.

    I am getting back to the place where I can view him through a logical place instead of an emotional place.
     
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Pas, I have been out of pocket for a few days but have been reading along and writing a little bit. I am sorry that he was in this situation, and even sorrier that you had to hear about it before it was resolved.

    We make progress, and then there is another episode. Chaos, drama, victimhood, arrest, something. There is always something happening with difficult children. And we get the phone call. And then we are drawn backward...and that is often when the three steps back, after making the four steps forward occur.

    It is always something. And like you, I am weary with the never-ending saga. Only the names and details are different.

    My son has now been in jail some eight or nine times. It's a box that he knows how to navigate today, for the most part. It's a smaller box than the big world. The rules are black and white and like the world, there is drama and chaos and lack of rules and illegal activity.

    The people in jail cannot insulate them from that. I had a conversation this week with a priest whose godson difficult child is in prison in my state, in the western portion of the state. He said his difficult child said there are drugs there, and fights, and weapons and now the whole place is on lockdown for a while for beating up guards and nearly killing the warden. This has not been in the news.

    But also his difficult child is now enrolled in college there, and is trying to deal with the chaos. He put himself there. He did it over and over and over again, with many changes to turn via the courts and the lawyers and the rehabs. But he kept on escalating and now he has a 14-year prison sentence of which he will likely serve 4 to 5 years. He has already served more than one year in a local jail until he was moved to the prison a few months ago.

    It's just too, too bad. The box in prison is something they can and will have to learn to navigate just like they did the street and the druggies and the hood friends they hang out with.

    There is no safe place in the world. Our lives are not safe either. We take risks every day and we have to learn to navigate the bigger boxes that we live in. There is fear and grief and pain.

    Your story, and these stories, are good for me to hear. I know your son is younger than mine, and my mommy heart, which is still beating strong, grieves for them. But my reality heart is growing stronger all the while. This is reality. And it is scary and dangerous and we didn't choose this for them. They did.

    There are no guarantees in this life, and what's really bad, is the suffering that we are doing, watching the awful choices our loved ones make. That is part of life too.

    Blessing and hugs and peace to you today. I am glad you are regaining your equilibrium. It takes a few days after another episode. You are doing great, Pas. Please keep writing.
     
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  10. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    "There are no guarantees in life."

    "That is part of life, too."

    I can see it.

    I'm just not there, yet.

    But like it always is, like it always gets to, we are talking about the waste or the cherishing of our own lives.

    It comes down to survival.

    And refusing to be a victim, or to place anyone else in that victim role.

    Cedar



    Cedar
     
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  11. Pas, i am glad that your difficult child's situation has been resolved because that will give you some piece of mind. I understand your pain because i too have been there. My difficult child has been in jail for three times and is currently there. During these periods, i have always felt so much despair thinking about what he is going through. But in the last few months i have been able to let go of his burden and focus on the things i can change and i hope for the same for you.

    COM's story about his friend's godson's jail being on lock down reminded me of the first week in Feb when difficult child was arrested. When i went to see him in jail after two weeks, the jail was on Lock down and i was crushed. I started sobbing and stayed in my car for half an hour in hysterics. But posting here thereafter forced me to think logically and realize it wasn't my problem. difficult child knew that things like that can happen in jail and yet he decided to put himself in that position, so whatever happens in there he better be prepared take it.
     
  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

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