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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 633530" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Esri, I am sorry. It's so hard to watch our difficult children do the things they do. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Of course. It's always *their* fault. Always. You wouldn't believe the mass conspiracies against my son. In high school, all of the teachers were against him, lied about him, and set out to fail him. Never anything he did. </p><p></p><p>We never helped him. All we did was be unfair to him, make him go to a middle school he didn't want to go to, so that *ruined his life* and then that ruined his high school life. He had *no fun* in high school and that was all our fault because we were *too strict*. Curfews were just completely unfair and we had him *scared to death* so he didn't *have any fun at all.*</p><p></p><p>Then, all of the jobs he got, he would quit or not show up at all or get fired---every time it was somebody else's fault. Never his fault. He *didn't do anything.*</p><p></p><p>Esri, finally, at age 25 he is stopping all of that talk, at least for today. He is smiling wryly when his past is discussed. He is starting to see---I think---that HE was the common denominator in all of these situations. </p><p></p><p>There is no talking enough to be done by you or your husband that will make her see these truths any faster. Time is your friend with her. Time is really all there is. Believe me, I talked, my ex-husband talked (difficult child's dad), his grandparents talked, I wrote letters, I got our preacher to sit down with him, my ex got his AA sponsor, my sister talked to him.....talk, talk, talk. I thought somebody, surely, would be able to get through to him. I even wrote many letters to him. Made up contracts for him to sign.</p><p></p><p>None of it worked, Esri. Not one single thing worked. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, and then there is the Pity Party. The constant Pity Party. I'm just no good, I can't do anything right, I can never please you, no matter how hard I try, you're never satisfied, you just don't understand, blah, blah, blah. I heard it all. And a lot of</p><p></p><p>the time, I caved. It all just sounded so pitiful. Maybe HE really couldn't do the things other people seem to be able to do, like get up on time. Maybe HE really did have sleep apnea, so I rushed him to the doctor, and to the sleep study, and he left before it was even over. The doctor later told me difficult child was the most uncooperative person he had ever tried to treat. </p><p></p><p>Boy, I was going to fix it. I was going to search the world over to find a solution to help this poor pitiful soul. </p><p></p><p>The joke was on me. </p><p></p><p>Esri, if you can (and I know how hard it is), when she starts that talk, either say nothing, or say, well, you may be right. Don't engage. That's what she wants---to get you all twisted up, confused and emotional---which leads to you caving in and doing what she wants. It's the height of manipulation, and they know right where to push the button relentlessly. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Good for him. He set a boundary and I hope and pray he can stick to it. She's been forewarned. It's on her now. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yep, she will. It will be all your fault, Esri. Don't engage with it. Here are some good things to say in response to difficult child-ness:</p><p></p><p>1. Oh.</p><p>2. That's interesting (surprising, sad, bad, good etc.)</p><p>3. Really?</p><p>4. Okay.</p><p>5. That sounds hard (scary, like it was really hot, like it was really cold, like it was really dark, etc.).</p><p>6. I bet you were. </p><p>7. I bet you did.</p><p>8. I bet that WAS _________.</p><p></p><p>I am learning better listening and feedback skills, thanks to difficult child. Now, much of the time, I can just answer like one of the above, and keep on going. He can heighten the drama, and try to stir the pot, and get a reaction out of me, and it doesn't happen. Now, inside I am churning, but I don't engage on the outside. More and more. I can only do this for a short time, so I have to get out of his presence when he is doing this, fairly quickly, or I'll start to engage. I have learned my limits on this, and even with a lot of practice, they are not real strong. </p><p></p><p>But Esri, they want us to engage. Then they have accomplished what they set out to do. Get US to be more upset than THEY ARE about their situation, and then guess what? We start trying to fix and rescue and control and manage. It's a constant circle, and it always ends with the score on the plus side for them. And then, once again, they have not had to take responsibility for their own choices and their own lives. It's a sick dance. And I have danced it many, many times. But today, I see it for what it is, and I can stop it many times. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You love your daughter. Of course you do. If you could stand in front of a train for her, you would. But Esri, which train? Which one? There are so many trains and so many tracks, and you can't stand in front of all of them. </p><p></p><p>Today, when I see or talk with difficult child, every four or five days or so, we engage for a very short time---less than one hour, in person. I MUST find and maintain the strength to stay out of his way. I MUST, Esri. That is the only way he is ever going to grow up and find his own way. </p><p></p><p>The greatest act of love for our adult children is allowing them the dignity and the respect to live their own lives. It is so awfully, terribly hard with difficult child kids and it is even hard with easy child kids---but it is absolutely what WE must have the strength of character, of purpose and of our own recovery and respect for ourselves, to do. We have to learn how to do this, because it does not come naturally.</p><p></p><p>Do the best you can, Esri, to grant her space, time, distance, and the respect of your boundaries, so she can start facing herself and accepting the consequences of her choices, so she can grow up to be a fine woman someday.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 633530, member: 17542"] Esri, I am sorry. It's so hard to watch our difficult children do the things they do. Of course. It's always *their* fault. Always. You wouldn't believe the mass conspiracies against my son. In high school, all of the teachers were against him, lied about him, and set out to fail him. Never anything he did. We never helped him. All we did was be unfair to him, make him go to a middle school he didn't want to go to, so that *ruined his life* and then that ruined his high school life. He had *no fun* in high school and that was all our fault because we were *too strict*. Curfews were just completely unfair and we had him *scared to death* so he didn't *have any fun at all.* Then, all of the jobs he got, he would quit or not show up at all or get fired---every time it was somebody else's fault. Never his fault. He *didn't do anything.* Esri, finally, at age 25 he is stopping all of that talk, at least for today. He is smiling wryly when his past is discussed. He is starting to see---I think---that HE was the common denominator in all of these situations. There is no talking enough to be done by you or your husband that will make her see these truths any faster. Time is your friend with her. Time is really all there is. Believe me, I talked, my ex-husband talked (difficult child's dad), his grandparents talked, I wrote letters, I got our preacher to sit down with him, my ex got his AA sponsor, my sister talked to him.....talk, talk, talk. I thought somebody, surely, would be able to get through to him. I even wrote many letters to him. Made up contracts for him to sign. None of it worked, Esri. Not one single thing worked. Oh, and then there is the Pity Party. The constant Pity Party. I'm just no good, I can't do anything right, I can never please you, no matter how hard I try, you're never satisfied, you just don't understand, blah, blah, blah. I heard it all. And a lot of the time, I caved. It all just sounded so pitiful. Maybe HE really couldn't do the things other people seem to be able to do, like get up on time. Maybe HE really did have sleep apnea, so I rushed him to the doctor, and to the sleep study, and he left before it was even over. The doctor later told me difficult child was the most uncooperative person he had ever tried to treat. Boy, I was going to fix it. I was going to search the world over to find a solution to help this poor pitiful soul. The joke was on me. Esri, if you can (and I know how hard it is), when she starts that talk, either say nothing, or say, well, you may be right. Don't engage. That's what she wants---to get you all twisted up, confused and emotional---which leads to you caving in and doing what she wants. It's the height of manipulation, and they know right where to push the button relentlessly. Good for him. He set a boundary and I hope and pray he can stick to it. She's been forewarned. It's on her now. Yep, she will. It will be all your fault, Esri. Don't engage with it. Here are some good things to say in response to difficult child-ness: 1. Oh. 2. That's interesting (surprising, sad, bad, good etc.) 3. Really? 4. Okay. 5. That sounds hard (scary, like it was really hot, like it was really cold, like it was really dark, etc.). 6. I bet you were. 7. I bet you did. 8. I bet that WAS _________. I am learning better listening and feedback skills, thanks to difficult child. Now, much of the time, I can just answer like one of the above, and keep on going. He can heighten the drama, and try to stir the pot, and get a reaction out of me, and it doesn't happen. Now, inside I am churning, but I don't engage on the outside. More and more. I can only do this for a short time, so I have to get out of his presence when he is doing this, fairly quickly, or I'll start to engage. I have learned my limits on this, and even with a lot of practice, they are not real strong. But Esri, they want us to engage. Then they have accomplished what they set out to do. Get US to be more upset than THEY ARE about their situation, and then guess what? We start trying to fix and rescue and control and manage. It's a constant circle, and it always ends with the score on the plus side for them. And then, once again, they have not had to take responsibility for their own choices and their own lives. It's a sick dance. And I have danced it many, many times. But today, I see it for what it is, and I can stop it many times. You love your daughter. Of course you do. If you could stand in front of a train for her, you would. But Esri, which train? Which one? There are so many trains and so many tracks, and you can't stand in front of all of them. Today, when I see or talk with difficult child, every four or five days or so, we engage for a very short time---less than one hour, in person. I MUST find and maintain the strength to stay out of his way. I MUST, Esri. That is the only way he is ever going to grow up and find his own way. The greatest act of love for our adult children is allowing them the dignity and the respect to live their own lives. It is so awfully, terribly hard with difficult child kids and it is even hard with easy child kids---but it is absolutely what WE must have the strength of character, of purpose and of our own recovery and respect for ourselves, to do. We have to learn how to do this, because it does not come naturally. Do the best you can, Esri, to grant her space, time, distance, and the respect of your boundaries, so she can start facing herself and accepting the consequences of her choices, so she can grow up to be a fine woman someday. Warm hugs. [/QUOTE]
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