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GFH in custody
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 609105" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>MWM: Detachment is a great tool, when necessary. At times an only way to survive. But to go there is an individual choice. And from Dancerat's post I get the feeling, she isn't willing to walk that path that far in this point of her relationship with her son. And if that is her choice, she certainly doesn't have to defend her choice to not detach to that degree to us. She knows her situation the best and knows how much cr** she is willing to take from her child.</p><p></p><p>When it comes to my boy, you are partly right. He has not been physically violent towards me after he turned 8 or 10. I registered to this board, when my son had been out from home for over a year, had been clean that same time and was doing much better than during his worst times. And he has been only short times after that at our home, so I have not felt a need to talk about his transgressions against me and at home to much detail. But let's say my boy has quite a mouth in him and knows where to hit when he wants to hurt. He has lied and stolen not only from home but also from extended family, he has not defaced our proberty (if you don't count some broken windows and furniture and one burned outbuilding (that one was an accident caused by him smoking there and nothing too valuable was lost)), but he has wilfully and with purpose broken some very special things just to cause hurt. He has also have some brushes with our police (but our system is so much softer than yours, it really is different) but his more serious crimes were never reported to police, because no one thought it would be his or victims' best interest. Not forgetting the public shame he has caused to us. Of course he was still a minor when he did most of that stuff and he really is doing better right now behaviour wise and current issues are more about his mental health and surviving in the big world. But enough about that.</p><p></p><p>For Dancerat, I just want to say, that while getting to know about detachment and remembering that can be an option to deal with drama her difficult child causes, can certainly be beneficial, it is not something she has to follow now, if it doesn't feel like the best solution to her situation for now. There are also other healthy ways to deal with difficult family member, detachment isn't an only option at least before situation gets too bad.</p><p></p><p>EDIT: You have edited your post, while I wrote mine. So I just have to add. My response about detachment not being end all, be all, was for Dancerat. If she thinks that detachment isn't the best option for her situation, she certainly doesn't need to defend that to us. We are not in her shoes. If she does feel, that she has had enough and needs to detach even in very radical way, again, she doesn't need to defend that. I'm in no way trying to imply some of you are in the wrong when you detach to a degree you detach. Or that I would think you are bad parents or don't love your kids. I certainly don't think that. But neither I consider someone weak or bad parent, because they decide not to detach. I haven't been in their shoes either. With my kids any radical detachment has not been an option I would have needed to do, yet. Things can change. I hope they change for the better, but I know better than count on that. But when I need to detach, will be my decision and I would not feel obliged to have to defend that to anyone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 609105, member: 14557"] MWM: Detachment is a great tool, when necessary. At times an only way to survive. But to go there is an individual choice. And from Dancerat's post I get the feeling, she isn't willing to walk that path that far in this point of her relationship with her son. And if that is her choice, she certainly doesn't have to defend her choice to not detach to that degree to us. She knows her situation the best and knows how much cr** she is willing to take from her child. When it comes to my boy, you are partly right. He has not been physically violent towards me after he turned 8 or 10. I registered to this board, when my son had been out from home for over a year, had been clean that same time and was doing much better than during his worst times. And he has been only short times after that at our home, so I have not felt a need to talk about his transgressions against me and at home to much detail. But let's say my boy has quite a mouth in him and knows where to hit when he wants to hurt. He has lied and stolen not only from home but also from extended family, he has not defaced our proberty (if you don't count some broken windows and furniture and one burned outbuilding (that one was an accident caused by him smoking there and nothing too valuable was lost)), but he has wilfully and with purpose broken some very special things just to cause hurt. He has also have some brushes with our police (but our system is so much softer than yours, it really is different) but his more serious crimes were never reported to police, because no one thought it would be his or victims' best interest. Not forgetting the public shame he has caused to us. Of course he was still a minor when he did most of that stuff and he really is doing better right now behaviour wise and current issues are more about his mental health and surviving in the big world. But enough about that. For Dancerat, I just want to say, that while getting to know about detachment and remembering that can be an option to deal with drama her difficult child causes, can certainly be beneficial, it is not something she has to follow now, if it doesn't feel like the best solution to her situation for now. There are also other healthy ways to deal with difficult family member, detachment isn't an only option at least before situation gets too bad. EDIT: You have edited your post, while I wrote mine. So I just have to add. My response about detachment not being end all, be all, was for Dancerat. If she thinks that detachment isn't the best option for her situation, she certainly doesn't need to defend that to us. We are not in her shoes. If she does feel, that she has had enough and needs to detach even in very radical way, again, she doesn't need to defend that. I'm in no way trying to imply some of you are in the wrong when you detach to a degree you detach. Or that I would think you are bad parents or don't love your kids. I certainly don't think that. But neither I consider someone weak or bad parent, because they decide not to detach. I haven't been in their shoes either. With my kids any radical detachment has not been an option I would have needed to do, yet. Things can change. I hope they change for the better, but I know better than count on that. But when I need to detach, will be my decision and I would not feel obliged to have to defend that to anyone. [/QUOTE]
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