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GFH in custody
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 609120"><p>I don't wish to hijack dancerat's heartfelt post. On the other hand, I want to make it clear that I am posting in general here and my words are not directed at her situation, though I hope they are helpful to her.</p><p></p><p>i think there is a huge misunderstanding about detachment. It's not about your relationship to your (adult) child. It's not about creating distance from them physically, financially or even emotionally. Those separations often come about DUE to detachment - but that's an effect and not a requirement.</p><p></p><p>It's about control. Not controlling them but regaining control of your own life. Most of us have been in the throes of our difficult child's instability - placed in a constant cycle of reacting to the latest crisis, outburst, craziness - and being constantly poised to react to "what's next?" There becomes no respite - because there is always an undercurrent when there isn't a crisis! We walk on eggshells or get consumed by worry or desperately search for clues as to "what's really going on?" and try to stay a step ahead. I - for one -have been known to obsessively check difficult child's phone records, cyber stalk his friend's social profiles, etc. etc.</p><p></p><p>Detaching - for me - was getting out of the reacting/always poised to react behavior. I unwittingly became a part of difficult child's drama. I had a role. It made me sick to my stomach, it wasn't a role I wanted but it was a role I was thrust into because I firmly believed (still do) that healthy families/relationships share in each other's troubles, rally 'round, and are each others' source of strength and support. But my son wasn't healthy and it took a long time to see that I was now sharing in and supporting his dysfunction. My involvement - even my reactions - were an intrinsic part of his drama.</p><p></p><p>And that's why we detach. Detachment means we don't become a part of the dysfunction. Sometimes it has to be a grand detachment - because we are that enmeshed and our finances, our relationships and our emotional involvement are fueling their dysfunction and we have become a part of it. Sometimes, detachment is subtle; it's simple words that change a subject as to not get dragged into a discussion that goes nowhere or escalates quickly. And most of all, detachment is about preserving our own self. Taking back our inner selves for our very own. It doesn't mean we worry less, care less, communicate less or love less. It is only a tool by which we stop letting our difficult child's behavior, their attitude towards us, and the fallout from their choices be the very thing that defines us to ourselves.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 609120"] I don't wish to hijack dancerat's heartfelt post. On the other hand, I want to make it clear that I am posting in general here and my words are not directed at her situation, though I hope they are helpful to her. i think there is a huge misunderstanding about detachment. It's not about your relationship to your (adult) child. It's not about creating distance from them physically, financially or even emotionally. Those separations often come about DUE to detachment - but that's an effect and not a requirement. It's about control. Not controlling them but regaining control of your own life. Most of us have been in the throes of our difficult child's instability - placed in a constant cycle of reacting to the latest crisis, outburst, craziness - and being constantly poised to react to "what's next?" There becomes no respite - because there is always an undercurrent when there isn't a crisis! We walk on eggshells or get consumed by worry or desperately search for clues as to "what's really going on?" and try to stay a step ahead. I - for one -have been known to obsessively check difficult child's phone records, cyber stalk his friend's social profiles, etc. etc. Detaching - for me - was getting out of the reacting/always poised to react behavior. I unwittingly became a part of difficult child's drama. I had a role. It made me sick to my stomach, it wasn't a role I wanted but it was a role I was thrust into because I firmly believed (still do) that healthy families/relationships share in each other's troubles, rally 'round, and are each others' source of strength and support. But my son wasn't healthy and it took a long time to see that I was now sharing in and supporting his dysfunction. My involvement - even my reactions - were an intrinsic part of his drama. And that's why we detach. Detachment means we don't become a part of the dysfunction. Sometimes it has to be a grand detachment - because we are that enmeshed and our finances, our relationships and our emotional involvement are fueling their dysfunction and we have become a part of it. Sometimes, detachment is subtle; it's simple words that change a subject as to not get dragged into a discussion that goes nowhere or escalates quickly. And most of all, detachment is about preserving our own self. Taking back our inner selves for our very own. It doesn't mean we worry less, care less, communicate less or love less. It is only a tool by which we stop letting our difficult child's behavior, their attitude towards us, and the fallout from their choices be the very thing that defines us to ourselves. [/QUOTE]
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