Girls Lunch

[Hound dog]

Nichole had to come down to pick up her FASFA refund check from school. So we decided yesterday (it's 1am here lol) would have to be the day to take katie to lunch. easy child had to do a CPR class refresher for work so couldn't come. I hadn't seen or talked to katie since beggar's nite last thursday.....all I had were notes from her hand carried via her husband. Don't ask me why she doesn't use the phone........because I don't have a clue. But I was beginning to worry anyway.

So we stopped by the motel. No I didn't call first. I mean they never call first before coming here so I figure fair is fair. I knew they'd be in bed......it was 11:30 am.......didn't care. Her husband answered the door. I told him Nichole and I were kidnapping her for a Girls Lunch. That got katie's attention and she sat up in bed........so I asked her if she was up for going to lunch. This "sick" person couldn't get out of bed fast enough. hmmmm

We ate at our authentic mexican restaurant. I'd wanted to talk about her life with her husband, her hopes, dreams, plans, ect. Well, it didn't quite work out that way. I just had a gut feeling it just wasn't the right moment. But we did have fun and she did get a good meal. And Aubrey is absolutely thrilled to have another aunt......and made that quite clear. lol

I'm not sure why I got strong vibes the timing wasn't right. It was just the way she looked.......I dunno........sort of pathetic. I don't mean that in a mean way......just kinda whipped, overwhelmed sort of thing. And I figured the last thing she needed was to feel like we're ganging up on her. Katie is no actress........so it wasn't an act. Actually she was being social and all. But she didn't want to go back to the motel.

After lunch we went to walmart. Nichole needed a couple things and Katie needed one of those glasses repair kits because she'd lost the screw to her frame and her lens kept popping out every few seconds........and I told her while we were there to go ahead and pick up things she needed food wise. She asked if I was going to cook supper and I said no.......I'd been gone most of the weekend and had a pile to wash. I was a bit surprised to see her look crushed at that. I mean it's not like they'd go hungry.......she has her food stamps. She asked if she could cook dinner tonight at my house and I told her sure, I'd do up the dishes. I don't think it was the food she was coming for......I think it was just being with us. She perked right up once I said she could cook.

We headed home about 2pm......so Nichole asked her if she wanted to come to my house or go back to the motel...........Katie flat out said she didn't want to go back to the motel. Not that I blame her, that room is small at best.....not much to do, a bored husband and 4 yr old Evan on top of it. So we stuffed the groceries she'd bought into my frig and settled down here to visit more. I swear to all that is holy her husband has unbelievable timing. He showed up not 10 mins after we got here. Katie was not happy.......she was obviously looking forward to the break.

She asked if she could do some laundry while she cooks tomorrow. I said sure.........and if she wants to escape again she can leave husband and Evan at the motel. She liked that idea....... a lot. But lord only knows if her husband will stay at home. ugh Like I said, he sticks to her like stink on poo. geez

So maybe we'll get some more time to visit tomorrow and we can do some real catching up without her having to watch what she says ect. She did tell me today that when her husband gets bored out of his mind he'll walk over here for something to do. (it drives me nuts) I guess that explains that, sort of.......except he doesn't do anything over here except drive me nuts. lol ugh

Something is going on with katie. She wants so desperately to be a part of the family again.....I can see it in her eyes and she's trying so hard with that. And yet I sense she's beginning to feel hopeless........Is hopelessness and depression the same? I mean she has a reason to feel that way after so long of being homeless......but I don't quite see them as the same thing. Or maybe it's just me.......

Not sure of where I'm going with this because I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm dealing with as far as Katie is concerned. And I don't feel close enough to her yet ..........yes I know that sounds weird, she's my kid, but not seeing her for 8 yrs and only talking by emails the past 2 is not really being all that close ya know? A lot of stuff happens in that amount of time.......to just dive in and say Girl tell me what's on your mind. Although I may have to. I just don't want to approach it the wrong way.

And then of course there is her husband who completely drives me right off the deep end. If I get him anymore pegged someone needs to pay me a psychiatrist's salary. lol Doesn't matter that I get that quite a bit of the behavior is pure gfgdom and can't be helped, some of it has developed as a coping mechanism due to being mentally slow, unable to read.......so he is as dependent on katie as the kids are.......and he literally clings to her, his behavior still drives me crazy and grates on my nerves to the nth degree. I have to constantly remind myself he is NOT younger than Travis so I don't treat him as such. ugh

But I'm not worried about him.

I'm worried about Katie.

D*mn. Why can't this stuff ever be easy?

I think I'm going to have to figure out a way to keep her coming over here without it killing us money wise. Suppers I guess I can grin and bare.......but she'll have to pay for the meals the nights she eats here. husband and I simply can not pay to feed 8 anymore.

And no, she still can't come here once the money for motel rent runs out. Even if I wanted to, which I don't........there is no way we can afford it. It would put us in their position. Otherwise I'd tell her she and the kids could come but her husband would have to find a shelter cuz I can't take that man her 24/7. omg But I can't even do that.

Hmmmmm. I need to find ways to get katie alone more often. That's not going to be easy.

Sorry........this started out as sort of an update.......but wound up me trying to sort out my thoughts again. Like I said.........katie has never been, nor ever will be an actress. When I look at her........she reminds me of a lost child. And I'm not so sure what I'm supposed to do as that lost child's Mom.

 

[DammitJanet]

Helplessness and hopelessness is a part of depression. It is one of my goals. I have an overwhelming problem with hopelessness and some problems with feeling helpless because of my mental and physical junk going on. If I had her husband to contend with I would have probably dived off a cliff long ago.

That man needs to do something besides sit in the motel room. I dont care if its volunteer work or go get some sort of training. He can start classes at a library to work on literacy or something...most have classes for that...or maybe the CC does...somewhere does that sort of thing. Hell, food banks need folks to sort canned goods that come in or soup kitchens. He just needs to get away from home each day. She also needs to start doing something. Maybe go to therapy at a DV shelter or somewhere like that. Or find any sort of PT job during the day while the kids are in school...or take one class somewhere. Even basket weaving. Something to get her away from him and around normal folk. Sitting in a tiny room all day is depressing.

 

[KTMom91]

Hugs to you and Katie. I wish I had some answers for you. I hope she's able to find her way, for her and her kids' sake.

 

[Hound dog]

Hmmmm. Janet you may be on to something. And it just might land one of them a job. Her husband is crazy about animals.........maybe I'll see if he wants to volunteer out at the animal shelter. Would get him out doing something constructive, meeting people too and this is a small town that could lead to a job. (not that he's looking that hard)

Katie wanted to do school but she has to pay a 250 or so fine first. No job, so no money for that. And her husband is being a bit over bearing about her not working..........and I'm not sure how much she wants to balk at that just yet.

I do know if I hint at the depression thing I'll have to be careful. It's an extremely sensitive subject for katie, which she doesn't want to hear. Her maternal grandmother was locked up in a mental hospital for the criminally insane until the day she died. She's heard horror stories of mental illness her whole life from biomom and her grandpa. Stories of the ignorant/misinformed but still........Was something we ran into last time she was here when her symptoms were very much of someone depressed.

Can't say I'd blame her for being depressed either. And for sure she should be nominated for sainthood for just being able to live with her husband all this time. (I'd need a padded room and a medication cart full of medications lol)

I don't think she can even sort her own thoughts when he's around. (I know I can't ugh) So maybe if we can find a way to get him out and away for part of the day that would help too. hmmmm I'm going to have to think on this some more.

Thanks.

 

[HaoZi]

He walked over to your place? Fine, let him walk. A lot. Take Katie somewhere other than home to talk to her, a place he wouldn't guess at and couldn't find. A park, the mall, just driving around to look at the fall foliage, the women's locker room at a local gym (or any place men aren't allowed to go).

 

[MrsMcNear50]

• I so know what you mean when you say..."she reminds me of a lost child. And I'm not so sure what I'm supposed to do as that lost child's Mom. ". I see the same look and have the same feeling when I look at Sweet Betsy. It's heartbreaking.

Many gentle hugs and prayers for you.

Julie

 

[missy44]

I don't know you hound dog, but your posts have caught my eye. I find myself reading through each thread, your posts make me cry and laugh. Has anyone ever told you that you have a flair for writing. I love how you think as you speak.

Oh, and another thing... you're a saint! You difficult child is lucky to have you in her life. It's a wonderful sign that she is longing for her family. She has plenty to think about and work through, I'm sure it's very overwhelming for her (and you). I hope you continue to get *girl* time together. I'm sure it's like a sunny vacation for Katie when she's away from her husband...

All the best to you and your family.

 

[Hound dog]

Well Katie didn't get to come alone to do the wash............her husband and Evan tagged along. ugh Her husband decided he wanted to cook supper. I figured what the heck, if it turned out awful I could just claim I can't chew it. lol But actually he's not a bad cook........a messy cook, but the food was good. (they paid for the meal) And he even cleaned up after while they waited for the clothes to finish. Believe it or not, they just went back to the motel.

I did tell Kaite she's getting kidnapped tomorrow again. lol Nichole has a dentist appointment and wants to go to the outlet mall after to see if there are any good sales for xmas. I have a little cash tucked away as my "xmas fund" and katie can window shop and help us with what the kids like and sizes ect. And it will be a fun day out for her. Already warned her husband to expect her to be gone for hours. We always like to go to the outlet mall in a group even if we don't have money to spend, it's still fun to look.

And Nichole went to the salvation army in dayton (which is a really awesome one) and got katie 2 winter coats and a pair of shoes we hope fits because the ones she has now are too big and are rubbing the skin off her feet........so now she can stop freezing when she goes outside. She got a huge bag full of stuff for 30 bucks.

Naw, not a saint by far Missy. Just a Mom. You wouldn't believe some of the unsaintly thoughts I have concerning her husband when he goes into one of his long (omg do I mean long) conversations about computers. ugh And I always thought Travis was bad. lol I keep thinking I have duct tape in my trunk........... Besides, a saint would be able to figure out how to pay bills and feed 5 additional people on basically no income. lmao

Her husband is considering the volunteering thing. I'm not sure he got the point of it although katie thought it was a great idea and we both spent a lot of time trying to explain why it would be such a good idea. Guess we'll see. But he has decided that he now wants to put in apps at kroger, walmart, kmart, lowes, ect........which is an improvement over 3 whole restaurants.

Evan's birth certificate has arrived so friday we're going to head start and see if they can manage to squeeze him in. He needs it desperately...........and his Mom needs the break from him equally as much.

There is some progress I guess, but omg is it slow. *sigh* But I did warn them that we're the 3rd highest unemployed state.........and our area is an area hit the hardest. They're aren't the only people desperate for jobs and trying to find housing ect. I think now they're realizing that I wasn't kidding or exaggerating.