Give difficult child grandpa's watch or not to? About trust and self-preservation
- Thread starter SuZir
- Start date
I believe UAN is right. When you can give it to him without all of these doubts and questions, it is the right time. If you felt good about giving this special watch to him, you wouldn't have asked us about it, much less set up a poll.
The watch may not be significant in difficult child's mind, and in my opinion that alone means this is not the right time to pass on a family heirloom. No matter how much he does or doesn't treasure family, his history, or heirlooms, he just isn't likely to be ready to keep track of this. I think that he will be someday, and on that day you will know that it is time to give it to him.
It may be a gift for a young man taking his first adult steps, but the nature of those steps has changed hugely since our grandparents' times. difficult children need a few extra years to get to where past generations were when they left high school. I think the gving of any gift should be done with where/what the person is ready to handle in mind. Right now? Your son is dealing with an awful lot of pressure and scrutiny. while it may not be this way for us, for many of our kids a gift like this comes with expectations. While I might see the watch as a hug from my grandpa, my difficult child would likely see it as a sign of yet another person who expects him to act a certain way and another person who's expectations he cannot satisfy, so why even try?
I have NO idea why my difficult child thinks this way, and it took me a very long time to understand and accept it. When he was little we told him that coat or shirt or blanket from a grandparent was a hug every time he wore it or used it. We taught this to all my kids, largely because we lived several states away for quite a few years. So this was a way to foster their relationship in a way they understood. Wiz esp used to LOVE going to thrift stores with me to find 'hugs' for Gma and Gpa. But in later years he didn't want ANYTHING that reminded him of any family member. He said he could not make us happy with him, and he didn't care to try, and he didn't need the 'guilt trip' of family heirlooms that just showed that he was a failure. This is slowly changing, but it is still his thought process.
It might be that difficult child would only see an old watch, not the heirloom you see. He is also at an age where kids are notorious for walking away from possessions, and I think you would be upset if he lost, sold or pawned it, or it was stolen. Until you can give the gift without the strings of expectations and check-ins to see if he still has it? Then neither of you is ready for the watch to transfer from your possession to his.
The watch may not be significant in difficult child's mind, and in my opinion that alone means this is not the right time to pass on a family heirloom. No matter how much he does or doesn't treasure family, his history, or heirlooms, he just isn't likely to be ready to keep track of this. I think that he will be someday, and on that day you will know that it is time to give it to him.
It may be a gift for a young man taking his first adult steps, but the nature of those steps has changed hugely since our grandparents' times. difficult children need a few extra years to get to where past generations were when they left high school. I think the gving of any gift should be done with where/what the person is ready to handle in mind. Right now? Your son is dealing with an awful lot of pressure and scrutiny. while it may not be this way for us, for many of our kids a gift like this comes with expectations. While I might see the watch as a hug from my grandpa, my difficult child would likely see it as a sign of yet another person who expects him to act a certain way and another person who's expectations he cannot satisfy, so why even try?
I have NO idea why my difficult child thinks this way, and it took me a very long time to understand and accept it. When he was little we told him that coat or shirt or blanket from a grandparent was a hug every time he wore it or used it. We taught this to all my kids, largely because we lived several states away for quite a few years. So this was a way to foster their relationship in a way they understood. Wiz esp used to LOVE going to thrift stores with me to find 'hugs' for Gma and Gpa. But in later years he didn't want ANYTHING that reminded him of any family member. He said he could not make us happy with him, and he didn't care to try, and he didn't need the 'guilt trip' of family heirlooms that just showed that he was a failure. This is slowly changing, but it is still his thought process.
It might be that difficult child would only see an old watch, not the heirloom you see. He is also at an age where kids are notorious for walking away from possessions, and I think you would be upset if he lost, sold or pawned it, or it was stolen. Until you can give the gift without the strings of expectations and check-ins to see if he still has it? Then neither of you is ready for the watch to transfer from your possession to his.
Malika
Well-Known Member
Everything that people have said in regard to keeping the watch and giving it later at such time as difficult child can be "trusted" with it makes sense, is logical, is something that would appeal to most right-thinking people. i really mean that.
But... I guess I am a traditionalist, and also someone who believes that gifts that are given are no longer the responsibility of the giver. It is the gesture that counts - and, yes, in the eyes of the world that is a kind of madness. I think of Jesus's parable of the prodigal son who met with all the unconditional love and welcome of his father on his return, to the disgust of the other, "good" son.
I know I am alone in this. But I would make the leap of faith and give it to difficult child on his graduation. And I would do so as a gift not for difficult child, ultimately, or for myself but for the grandfather, whose wishes I would be honouring. It was his watch, this is what he wanted... without further analysis of whether it was "right" or not, "deserved" or not, I would give it to difficult child in trust and honour. And if my heart was subsequently broken because the watch had been sold to pay off a gambling debt or something similiarly horrible... well, I would just accept it as the price of honouring that fulfilment.
But... I guess I am a traditionalist, and also someone who believes that gifts that are given are no longer the responsibility of the giver. It is the gesture that counts - and, yes, in the eyes of the world that is a kind of madness. I think of Jesus's parable of the prodigal son who met with all the unconditional love and welcome of his father on his return, to the disgust of the other, "good" son.
I know I am alone in this. But I would make the leap of faith and give it to difficult child on his graduation. And I would do so as a gift not for difficult child, ultimately, or for myself but for the grandfather, whose wishes I would be honouring. It was his watch, this is what he wanted... without further analysis of whether it was "right" or not, "deserved" or not, I would give it to difficult child in trust and honour. And if my heart was subsequently broken because the watch had been sold to pay off a gambling debt or something similiarly horrible... well, I would just accept it as the price of honouring that fulfilment.
SuZir
Well-Known Member
Everything everyone is saying about not giving it to him yet makes perfect sense. And there has been many excellent points about not only how I would set myself up to heartbreak but also set difficult child up to failure. I'm sure you are all right. But I guess I'm a traditionalist too, because what Malika says resonates with me. I'm still mulling it over and visualising how I would feel if difficult child would promptly dump the watch to nearest trash can. It's a difficult decision for me, because all the logical arguments say the other thing and still something in me says otherwise.
SuZir, think the most important thing here is that YOU are happy with the outcome of your choice. We have given our opinion, but we don't have to live with the outcome. I do think you are very torn about this, and I hope you find some peace when you make the decision. I do urge you to discuss this with difficult child, at least if you will be able to accept his wishes on this.
Whatever you choose, you have my FULL support.
Whatever you choose, you have my FULL support.
My GFGbro said once that he wished our family had NOT given him the "important" gifts when he was unstable. Now that he's turned himself around, he wants to have them... but due to his bad choices at the time, they are not recoverable to anyone... and we have no more to give.
It is such a touchy issue.
It is such a touchy issue.
SuZir
Well-Known Member
Okay, adfter mulling this through from all points of views I could come up with and which you all offered (again, thank you for that) and visualising all kinds of scenarios, especially the bad ones, I have decided to act against my best judgement. I came to understand that giving that watch to him, honouring our family line in it all uniqueness, is more important to me than that watch. And if he breaks, looses or sells it, I can live with that. I may not be able to live with husband's "I told you so"'s but that is a bridge I will cross if it comes to that.
So I have decided to offer difficult child three options to choose from when it comes to his present:
1. He can have the grandpa's watch
2. He can have a new watch of about equal value of his choosing, if he doesn't want grandpa's watch for one reason or another
3. He can have grandpa's watch, but it stays mostly where it is, in my safety deposit box. After all, it is a dress watch (nowadays, when new it was worn every day but times and watches have changed) and difficult child doesn't 'dress' often. Those few times a year when he does, I could get the watch for him to use and after that it would go back to the bank. But because I do get that this would be the lamest gift ever, I would be happy to add something that would bring difficult child joy currently. I do know from his social media that he has been salivating over all kinds of fancy headphones. Not enough that he would had bought them to himself (price range of the models he seems to envy from others is somewhere around 250-300 dollars and he could afford that, but seems to be saving his money to other things), but it sounds like he would like them very much.
Okay, as you probably noticed, the third one is kind of 'have a your cake and eat it too' option for me, but there is nothing wrong in trying
So I have decided to offer difficult child three options to choose from when it comes to his present:
1. He can have the grandpa's watch
2. He can have a new watch of about equal value of his choosing, if he doesn't want grandpa's watch for one reason or another
3. He can have grandpa's watch, but it stays mostly where it is, in my safety deposit box. After all, it is a dress watch (nowadays, when new it was worn every day but times and watches have changed) and difficult child doesn't 'dress' often. Those few times a year when he does, I could get the watch for him to use and after that it would go back to the bank. But because I do get that this would be the lamest gift ever, I would be happy to add something that would bring difficult child joy currently. I do know from his social media that he has been salivating over all kinds of fancy headphones. Not enough that he would had bought them to himself (price range of the models he seems to envy from others is somewhere around 250-300 dollars and he could afford that, but seems to be saving his money to other things), but it sounds like he would like them very much.
Okay, as you probably noticed, the third one is kind of 'have a your cake and eat it too' option for me, but there is nothing wrong in trying
