Going crazy/need perspective/need to detach-Long

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Jan 7, 2008.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Last night I was talking to my son who lives in Illinois (I'm in WIsconsin). His wife is expecting a baby in March and we are pretty close. He was always close to his Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) brother too, but last time we stayed at his house my Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son messed up the expensive blinds in his room and threw a can of Dr. Pepper under his bed. He didn't exactly say we couldn't stay there anymore, but he did say we'd have to watch Lucas all the time, which I think is reasonable. But I don't know if it's possible. Lucas does so many quirky, weird things and my older son is very fastidious about his house. I decided that we should probably stay at hotels when we go to Illinois to visit, however (and here's what drives me nuts)...we are so broke. And the cheapest overnight hotel in that part of Illinois is $60.00. I'm not sure that includes three people either or that my son is still considered a child. Usually we would stay for two whole days (come in Fri. night/leave Mon. morning), but we won't be able to do that now. And we may not be able to go as often. I know I shouldn't be hurt. I know my son is right and didn't mean anything by it, but my other son already told us he didn't want us to stay at his house, and has cut us out of his life. This son always tells me "I'm not Scott" (the son who cut everyone out) and he isn't, but I still feel rejected. Sensitive, aren't I? LOL. We did talk about maybe meeting in Madison for special occaissions, such as birthdays. But we certainly wouldn't spend as much time together with one day trips. And certainly the newborn baby won't be able to travel that far for a while. I suppose I can go visit the baby without my two younger kids though...OK, so THAT has me in a funk and now...
    My daughter who used to use drugs is stressed out about her relationship and I'm sooooooooooo worried she'll start the drugs again. She hasn't--but I'm still scared. She's such a sweet young woman (I think of her as a girl) and I just want her to find contentment. She always picks men who expect HER to take care of THEM. She knows that, but still can't break completely from her boyfriend, so she's stressed which has ME stressed...
    Which leads me to my stress over my Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son because I'm not sure my older son is going to be as invested in him now that he's expecting his own child. They were always very close, and he is listed as his guardian if anything happens to us...but he's obviously focused on his daughter-to-be...which leads to...
    I'm stressed about my eleven year old because she never wants to be home, she's always rollerblading at Skate City, has her own friends, and because I'm in a self-pitying mood, I'm taking this as a rejection too...and LASTLY...
    There is SCott who hasn't seen us since his wedding. Or talked to us! He DID send a Christmas Card and a gift certificate and that touched me. I had sent him a nice letter before that. I sent him a card back telling him that his card just lit up my Christmas tree. Haven't heard from him since though.
    I wish I had more money so I could see my kids whenever I wanted to, but we are pretty much stuck on a fixed income for many reasons, and it ain't a HIGH fixed income. I feel like everything is closing in on me. I see families with kids who are so loving towards the parents. With me, I feel like I have to make an appointment to see my kids and that its for ME, not them. They're nice kids, but I feel like a third wheel.
    Sometimes I just want to buy a rec vehicle and drive all over the country with hub and leave the kid issues behind me. BUT WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT...lol...and he still works full time (although he can't make too much). How do you stop from going crazy over stuff like this? Is it just me? If so, what do you guys do? I need some help here. I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow, but you guys are often better than her...lol. Thanks in advance.
  2. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I'm sorry that you are feeling bad. I really think you have to realize not everyone sees difficult child as a delight and a joy to behold. Your view of Lucas is wonderful and so caring but if he is anything like my difficult child he is tolerated by others. Even those who loved him start to pull away as difficult child get older and goes from a quirky kid to a strange adolescent to a weird adult. I understand it. I work on making sure they realize difficult child is a person but I can't and shouldn't fix their relationship.
    Your son is laying a foundation of a family unit with wife and new baby. His stress is probably through the roof. Make things easier for him and not about you. Visit without Lucas after the baby is born. Remember each are your son and each need different things from you. Older son needs the wisdom that comes from living through stressful times and then making it. Stop focusing on how much it will cost you. Offer to come help with the house after baby is born. Leave Lucas with husband or daughter. Be your other's son's support for a week. Help son have time to bond with daughter and wife. Doing the feeding and cleaning for a week will be gift enough for this young family. If you can't manage the funding, then just write a lovely note to son telling him what a good dad he will be because of XYZ traits.

    Kids have to disengage and bond with their spouses and children. It's almost as if they turn away while such a new couple but as they grow and are more comfortable with the new family they find their way back. Seems as if you had a nice relationship with your son but if you expect them to think of you, it rarely happens. They evolve into the next phase of their life development.

    I'm sorry that you feel bad. You do what's best for you. You do what you want or should for your adult son's. If son asks you to come to help, be gracious. Say yes if that's what you want to do. Say "sorry, it's not possibe with our finances" and leave the whine behind.
  3. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    Hugs. You sound pretty down.

    I understand your son's position if Lucas has created physical havoc in their home. If someone came and stayed with me and destroyed property - I would be cautious about having that person in my home again. Especially since he is 14 - and most people (those who don't understand difficult child's) would assume that he possesses better self control than to destroy blinds and spill soda. So-

    If he has extended an offer - with the stipulation that you watch him closely, I would take him up on that offer. I would also explain to Lucas that if he destroys his brothers things this time, it may well be his last visit for a long time. He is old enough to understand this.
  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Older siblings, when starting a family, pull away from their younger siblings that they were once very close to (whether that younger sibling is a difficult child or not). Your older son does have a home of his own now, and has the right to be fastidious in it if he chooses. I agree with Fran that if you want to visit your new grandbaby, it should be about the grandbaby and not you and Lucas.

    As far as your daughter goes, I have a different take on her situation than most. I think she should be encouraged to attend some AA meetings. Quitting on one's own is great and noteworthy but rarely works in the long run. The support she could get at those meetings and with a sponsor would give her th confidence she needs to stop dating loser guys and tell her father to lay off. Also, if she does not start to network with some AAs it si very likely that she will relapse. She needs a network and right now she has none. And mom, you can not save her.

    Your 11 year old is 11. And 11 year old girls know everything. And their moms know nothing. Where were you when that memo was circulated?

    You are most certainly on the pity pot. Go ahead and have a good cry. Grieving Scott is a must. Accepting your older son's detaching from your younger son is another must. The best help you could give your older daughter is to show her how to get the tools to help herself. And your little one, she's not doing anything wrong. She'll be back. They ALL come back.

    Oh, and the "I'm broke" club? Welcome. We have jackets.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Honey, have you not heard the old saying about daughters are daughters for the rest of their life but sons are our sons till they take a wife?

    This is the normal progression of things. Your son that is having the baby is naturally going to turn inward toward his new family. It doesnt mean that he doesnt still love all of you. Its just the grown birdie leaving the nest and starting a new nest of his own.

    Fran had excellent advice about leaving the other kids behind and going to help out for a week or so when the baby is born. We were lucky enough that my daughter in law had a scheduled C-section so that we could all stay in their apartment when she was in the hospital. Boy was it crowded too with me, husband, cory, and keyana!

    When I went up again when the baby was home from the hospital I went with just my oldest son to help out.

    Being the parent of grown kids is different than parenting young ones. You have to watch from the sidelines. They still need us but in different ways.
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Have you tried bidding on a hotel on priceline.com? I recently got a 3.5 star hotel in Raleigh for $45 a night.

    I've seen people get hotel rooms as low as $30 for 2 and 2.5 stars hotels.

    You can also check out hotwire.com

    Just a warning, though, once your bid is accepted, it is non-refundable.

    I site that I like that helps with hotwire and priceline bidding is http://www.betterbidding.com

  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I think that we can love our children individually - but sibling love never seems to transcend the barriers we face each day as parents with children who are challenged.

    When he sees his Mom - he sees the total package. Mom, all the kids, caring, understanding. And right now he's hyperfocused on HIS FIRST NEWBORN CHILD. That's a lot to be focused on. I think he's probably trying to eliminate MORE stress surrounding the birth of his child and NOT trying to make it seem like his brother isn't welcome. His brother is welcome - the added stress AT THIS TIME - isn't.

    Remember when you had YOUR first kid? Yeah - something like that.
    Doubt, apprehension, fear, worry, all at the speed of birth. And then it does subside -

    As far as being able to "get" there to help and finances. Hotwire.com has awesome flight offers.

    I think this is a time when you are just going to have to understand that the unselfish children that you raised - are worried and naturally going to be selfish - he probably just wants you there for himself, wife and baby.

    You will figure this out. But I'd go alone.

  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    OMG! Thanks to ALL OF YOU! Janet, you made me laugh...I loved it!

    I talked to my son. He assured me that he loves Lucas and that will never change--I took it too hard. He just wants to tell Lucas he has to take care of the house when he's there. I still think it's best to limit his time there because Lucas likes to "fiddle" with things. Fran, I know Lucas is different, trust me. That's why I want him in assisted living or a group home. He wouldn't make it on his own--he isn't wired like everyone else.

    My daughter won't go to AA, but I also talked to her and she assured me that, if anything, she's into healthful living now (she lost 30 pounds and works out daily) and is existing on vitamin supplements, health food, herbal tea, yoga etc. I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. She's been clean for three years now. I will never NOT worry that she will slip, but I can't force her to do anything she doesn't feel is necessary. For now, she is not using drugs and laughed when I brought it up. "Mom! I'm NOT going to do that again. Do you really think I could work twelve hours a day on drugs???" Her reaction reassured me.

    I plan on seeing the baby while keeping the kids home. My eleven year old is already acting jealous of the baby: "The baby isn't your child, you know." Ugh. I'd feel bad fussing over the baby with my daughter there, feeling jealous. And I don't want to have to look after Lucas while I'm bonding big time with and spoiling my granddaughter. They'll be fine at home. Hub will stay here.

    This particular son is very close to me. He makes jokes about being "a momma's boy." Although he says it in gest, his wife does get exasperated because he calls me for advice when he should really talk to her (and I tell him that). It's kind of good we live far apart because I do want him to look to his wife (she's wonderful) and not me. He is heading that way with the baby coming. Also, his wife calls me when they have a fight, putting me in the position of mediating. She'll say "He'll listen to you." This rarely happens, but, when it does, I really don't like it. Her own mom is very cold towards her so she confides in me. They really do need their space and time together without me. It's best I live three hours away.

    I have a tendency to get depressed and today is a down day. Thank God for medications. At least I can pop a PRN tranq. and then go work out...lol. I also need to learn to focus off my grown kids. They have their own lives, but I'm shocked at how much I still worry about them. As for Scott, I have a little hope that one day we will have a relationship again. Until then, I need to get a life...lol. I applied to volunteer at a shelter for domestically abused women today. It sounds VERY interesting and I'm anxious to start. Also, I have another book coming out...the last book really sold well for an e-book and got a lot of buzz. And I'm going to look for a part time job. Also, I think I'll shock hub by wearing something naughty to bed tonight...lol. I'm 54. I lived long enough to finally start focusing on myself, right?

    All of you--every single one--rocks. Fran, I so love hearing from you because I have a hunch our boys are very much alike and may someday be even more alike. And, Janet, bless you for making me laugh today.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    ANOTHER BOOK????? OHHHHHHH do tell!
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    MWM...just start thinking about that new baby and forget everything else. It will all fall into place. Grand babies are the absolutely most precious things in the world!

    (I say this as mine is whining at my elbow wanting my soda!)

    Oops...she is taking her socks off now...lmao.

    Just think, in a year or so it will be you sitting here telling us all about all the funny things YOUR grand daughter is doing!