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going from bad to worse
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 607629" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Jaxx, welcome. I am so sorry you are going through all of this with your son. It is a horrific experience. You've come to the right place. You might also post the same post over on the Substance Abuse forum where other parents well versed in SA can assist you.</p><p></p><p>The first thing you may want to do is read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.</p><p></p><p>You may or may not have been there for your son after your Dad's death and it is really unfortunate that your son's half brother died of an overdose. However, since your son is now an adult, your perceived guilt about those two things or your parenting is something for you to let go of, it hurts you and doesn't help him either. Guilt will just keep you stuck enabling your son if that has already been going on. Guilt often is the driver behind our continuing rescuing of our kids because on some level, we believe it's our fault and we can repair it. We may of course, contribute to our kids behaviors, but in reality, once they're adults, it becomes necessary to hand them the reins and allow them to do their own healing (or not.) You didn't cause this and you can't control it and nor can you fix it for him. Only he can do that.</p><p></p><p>In my experience, the single most important thing we parents can do is to get some kind of help so we can detach from the choices our kids make. No easy task. Most of us need help in some manner to do that. I strongly suggest you get a therapist or some counselor or someone you can talk to who can give you tools, information and support. If your son has mental issues, NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental illness can be of enormous help. They can be accessed online and they have chapters everywhere. They offer excellent parent groups designed to help parents navigate this bumpy terrain.</p><p></p><p>Getting into a 12 step group will be a big help to you too. Al-anon or CoDa will work. You will find other parents you can relate to. They also have family groups. You can look online and find groups in your area.</p><p></p><p>What is most important now is to take the focus off of your son and put it onto YOU. He is making poor choices which are a result of his substance abuse and then making the really bad choice of driving while under the influence. As bad as this sounds, jail may be the best place for him now. He would get sober and often jails offer groups to help with substance abuse. Many parents here on this forum have seen their kids turn around in jail. I know it sounds so bad, but it may really be what the reality is for your son, so you may need to face that.</p><p></p><p>Most importantly, get support for yourself. Whatever choices he makes, you will need to get help for you. Most of us get to the point of depletion, resentment, fear, worry, anger, sorrow and burn out before we begin to take care of ourselves. If you are having thoughts of suicide, it is CLEARLY time to get help for YOU. What your son does is separate from who you are and the life you can have. You must learn to make distinctions in that so you can have a fulfilling life no matter what he chooses. I know that sounds unreasonable, believe me, it sounded unreasonable to me two years ago, but I sought out A LOT of professional help and now, although my daughter is essentially in the same place as she was, I'm not, I've changed and I have a MUCH better quality of life. </p><p></p><p>Get help for you. Keep posting here and on Substance Abuse. I am sending you lots of caring hugs, I know how you feel. Hang in there, do something kind for yourself right now, learn to nurture yourself, throw the guilt overboard and place your son in the hands of what your perception of a Higher Power is........we are powerless to change the lives of others when they don't want to change.............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 607629, member: 13542"] Jaxx, welcome. I am so sorry you are going through all of this with your son. It is a horrific experience. You've come to the right place. You might also post the same post over on the Substance Abuse forum where other parents well versed in SA can assist you. The first thing you may want to do is read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You may or may not have been there for your son after your Dad's death and it is really unfortunate that your son's half brother died of an overdose. However, since your son is now an adult, your perceived guilt about those two things or your parenting is something for you to let go of, it hurts you and doesn't help him either. Guilt will just keep you stuck enabling your son if that has already been going on. Guilt often is the driver behind our continuing rescuing of our kids because on some level, we believe it's our fault and we can repair it. We may of course, contribute to our kids behaviors, but in reality, once they're adults, it becomes necessary to hand them the reins and allow them to do their own healing (or not.) You didn't cause this and you can't control it and nor can you fix it for him. Only he can do that. In my experience, the single most important thing we parents can do is to get some kind of help so we can detach from the choices our kids make. No easy task. Most of us need help in some manner to do that. I strongly suggest you get a therapist or some counselor or someone you can talk to who can give you tools, information and support. If your son has mental issues, NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental illness can be of enormous help. They can be accessed online and they have chapters everywhere. They offer excellent parent groups designed to help parents navigate this bumpy terrain. Getting into a 12 step group will be a big help to you too. Al-anon or CoDa will work. You will find other parents you can relate to. They also have family groups. You can look online and find groups in your area. What is most important now is to take the focus off of your son and put it onto YOU. He is making poor choices which are a result of his substance abuse and then making the really bad choice of driving while under the influence. As bad as this sounds, jail may be the best place for him now. He would get sober and often jails offer groups to help with substance abuse. Many parents here on this forum have seen their kids turn around in jail. I know it sounds so bad, but it may really be what the reality is for your son, so you may need to face that. Most importantly, get support for yourself. Whatever choices he makes, you will need to get help for you. Most of us get to the point of depletion, resentment, fear, worry, anger, sorrow and burn out before we begin to take care of ourselves. If you are having thoughts of suicide, it is CLEARLY time to get help for YOU. What your son does is separate from who you are and the life you can have. You must learn to make distinctions in that so you can have a fulfilling life no matter what he chooses. I know that sounds unreasonable, believe me, it sounded unreasonable to me two years ago, but I sought out A LOT of professional help and now, although my daughter is essentially in the same place as she was, I'm not, I've changed and I have a MUCH better quality of life. Get help for you. Keep posting here and on Substance Abuse. I am sending you lots of caring hugs, I know how you feel. Hang in there, do something kind for yourself right now, learn to nurture yourself, throw the guilt overboard and place your son in the hands of what your perception of a Higher Power is........we are powerless to change the lives of others when they don't want to change............. [/QUOTE]
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