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Going home, soon. Know we should not kidnap daughter and bring her home, but....
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 591630" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh Barbara, I can hear the sadness and fear in your post and I recognize all of that from my own terror and sorrow...........and I'm sure others will recognize themselves in your post too. Yes, it is a horrible kind of hell for us parents to have to deal with. Yes, your daughter needs help. Yes, you want to help her and change the situation <em>more then anything else.</em> All of that is so true. And, yet........................the one gigantic fly in the ointment is that your daughter does NOT WANT TO CHANGE. As long as she does not want to change, all your money, all your help will be to help her to remain where she is. Stuck. A chance she has is if you stop enabling her, stop the financial assistance and give her the information she will need to help herself. NAMI, mental health facilities, therapists, shelters, food banks, etc. It doesn't sound as if she is ready to get help and the ugly truth is she may never be ready to get help, she may be overtaken by her addictions and illness. You always have a choice of how to act, what to do, how to help her or not. It is always up to you and what you can live with. I don't think there is a right or wrong way, my experience has shown me that enabling them DOES NOT HELP THEM, it keeps them stuck longer and gives them reasons to stay stuck. </p><p></p><p>It's a very tedious and emotionally charged process of learning what, if any, help we can provide which will actually help them help themselves. I think most of us have to go through whatever it is we go through to find ourselves in the final leg of this journey with the deep, horrifying realization that there isn't anything we can do to help someone who does not want help. They must find that for themselves and watching them go under time and again is pretty devastating.</p><p></p><p>So, look down the road a bit, say for the next two years you give your daughter money, you pay for a room for her, you buy her groceries, you essentially keep her afloat. She will be 40, you and your husband will be two years older. What will have changed? At some point you and husband will not be around, will you leave her your estate and trust her to make good choices with your resources? Will her children inherit the burden of taking care of her? Who will care for her once you are gone?</p><p></p><p>Another path open to you, is that you systematically begin the process of detaching from her needs and behaviors. You give her tools along the way to help herself. She takes the advice and tools or she doesn't. As you let go and move back, she has the opportunity to recognize that the only person responsible for her, is her and she MAY begin the process of getting help. Or not.</p><p></p><p>I understand that either option has huge pitfalls and heartaches, however, the option of detachment gives her a chance at a life, whereas you enabling her, although it gives you and your husband some solace and allows you to feel somewhat better because you are helping her, oddly, it robs her of the opportunity to choose to live, to choose to heal, to choose a life. The great irony of all of it is that in enabling, we actually do more damage because it gives them permission as well as the resources to keep going in the destructive life they live. In some measure you actually contribute to that life. Watching her demise is torture, I so understand that, however, helping her will allow her to continue. The grueling truth is that she will have to hit bottom to even start the process of change.</p><p></p><p>One thing that a therapist told me which was quite jolting and very hard to hear was that my helping my daughter was to allay <em><strong>my</strong></em> own intense feelings of guilt, fear, worry, all of it. It did not do anything to help my daughter, it kept her stuck. Yikes. I can't say for certain that is true for you, but it sure gave me pause. To help them reduces our horror, makes it easier for us to look in the mirror, but are you really helping your daughter except to plug up a hole today which will need the same plugging up tomorrow and the next day and all the other days too? Only you can be the judge of all of it. And, I can tell you from my experience, it was the hardest thing I have EVER had to do. So, I am not talking lightly here, I get it. My daughter is holding her own, in exactly the same way she was when I was helping her with everything or with some things..........now I am doing nothing and she is the same, she found other ways to hold her life together, but it isn't me. And, I don't listen to the daily grind of her life either, that was one of my boundaries. </p><p></p><p>Barbara, you will need help to do this. You will need a trained professional. You have got it wired up inside of you that you are not going to be able to survive this without helping her and someone who is trained in this will have to assist you in untangling all of that. I had to do that too, so it can be done. It's almost too much for us to bear at times.</p><p></p><p>I can say one thing with a certain amount of clarity, if you continue to help her and be involved in her life, your life is going to be a chaotic nightmare because you will get embroiled in all of the insanity as you help her. To the degree that you are enmeshed in her life, your life will reflect that in fear and guilt and sorrow, it doesn't go away, it just continues. The choice is yours to make. If I were in your shoes and I have been, I would get myself in those NAMI classes, I would get myself and husband an excellent therapist trained in mental illness, addiction and codependency. I would find groups perhaps lead by a professional where I could not only participate, but listen to other parents who are dealing with similar issues, that is so helpful in so many ways. To know you're not alone and to hear how others are dealing with it and what they are doing. You can see yourself in the pained expressions of others and gain strength and conviction to make hard choices.</p><p></p><p>Having said all of that, I can easily see that we all have to come to whatever conclusions we come to, so we can live with ourselves. I really don't believe there is a right way or a wrong way, there is simply the way you choose to go. It's all about what you can live with and what you believe deep inside your hearts to be your truth. These are our children and there is no power stronger then the love we have for them. Sometimes it means letting them go into the unknown without our help, sometimes we continue supporting them. Whatever you and your husband decide to do, I so wish you peace. Many gentle hugs to you and husband..........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 591630, member: 13542"] Oh Barbara, I can hear the sadness and fear in your post and I recognize all of that from my own terror and sorrow...........and I'm sure others will recognize themselves in your post too. Yes, it is a horrible kind of hell for us parents to have to deal with. Yes, your daughter needs help. Yes, you want to help her and change the situation [I]more then anything else.[/I] All of that is so true. And, yet........................the one gigantic fly in the ointment is that your daughter does NOT WANT TO CHANGE. As long as she does not want to change, all your money, all your help will be to help her to remain where she is. Stuck. A chance she has is if you stop enabling her, stop the financial assistance and give her the information she will need to help herself. NAMI, mental health facilities, therapists, shelters, food banks, etc. It doesn't sound as if she is ready to get help and the ugly truth is she may never be ready to get help, she may be overtaken by her addictions and illness. You always have a choice of how to act, what to do, how to help her or not. It is always up to you and what you can live with. I don't think there is a right or wrong way, my experience has shown me that enabling them DOES NOT HELP THEM, it keeps them stuck longer and gives them reasons to stay stuck. It's a very tedious and emotionally charged process of learning what, if any, help we can provide which will actually help them help themselves. I think most of us have to go through whatever it is we go through to find ourselves in the final leg of this journey with the deep, horrifying realization that there isn't anything we can do to help someone who does not want help. They must find that for themselves and watching them go under time and again is pretty devastating. So, look down the road a bit, say for the next two years you give your daughter money, you pay for a room for her, you buy her groceries, you essentially keep her afloat. She will be 40, you and your husband will be two years older. What will have changed? At some point you and husband will not be around, will you leave her your estate and trust her to make good choices with your resources? Will her children inherit the burden of taking care of her? Who will care for her once you are gone? Another path open to you, is that you systematically begin the process of detaching from her needs and behaviors. You give her tools along the way to help herself. She takes the advice and tools or she doesn't. As you let go and move back, she has the opportunity to recognize that the only person responsible for her, is her and she MAY begin the process of getting help. Or not. I understand that either option has huge pitfalls and heartaches, however, the option of detachment gives her a chance at a life, whereas you enabling her, although it gives you and your husband some solace and allows you to feel somewhat better because you are helping her, oddly, it robs her of the opportunity to choose to live, to choose to heal, to choose a life. The great irony of all of it is that in enabling, we actually do more damage because it gives them permission as well as the resources to keep going in the destructive life they live. In some measure you actually contribute to that life. Watching her demise is torture, I so understand that, however, helping her will allow her to continue. The grueling truth is that she will have to hit bottom to even start the process of change. One thing that a therapist told me which was quite jolting and very hard to hear was that my helping my daughter was to allay [I][B]my[/B][/I] own intense feelings of guilt, fear, worry, all of it. It did not do anything to help my daughter, it kept her stuck. Yikes. I can't say for certain that is true for you, but it sure gave me pause. To help them reduces our horror, makes it easier for us to look in the mirror, but are you really helping your daughter except to plug up a hole today which will need the same plugging up tomorrow and the next day and all the other days too? Only you can be the judge of all of it. And, I can tell you from my experience, it was the hardest thing I have EVER had to do. So, I am not talking lightly here, I get it. My daughter is holding her own, in exactly the same way she was when I was helping her with everything or with some things..........now I am doing nothing and she is the same, she found other ways to hold her life together, but it isn't me. And, I don't listen to the daily grind of her life either, that was one of my boundaries. Barbara, you will need help to do this. You will need a trained professional. You have got it wired up inside of you that you are not going to be able to survive this without helping her and someone who is trained in this will have to assist you in untangling all of that. I had to do that too, so it can be done. It's almost too much for us to bear at times. I can say one thing with a certain amount of clarity, if you continue to help her and be involved in her life, your life is going to be a chaotic nightmare because you will get embroiled in all of the insanity as you help her. To the degree that you are enmeshed in her life, your life will reflect that in fear and guilt and sorrow, it doesn't go away, it just continues. The choice is yours to make. If I were in your shoes and I have been, I would get myself in those NAMI classes, I would get myself and husband an excellent therapist trained in mental illness, addiction and codependency. I would find groups perhaps lead by a professional where I could not only participate, but listen to other parents who are dealing with similar issues, that is so helpful in so many ways. To know you're not alone and to hear how others are dealing with it and what they are doing. You can see yourself in the pained expressions of others and gain strength and conviction to make hard choices. Having said all of that, I can easily see that we all have to come to whatever conclusions we come to, so we can live with ourselves. I really don't believe there is a right way or a wrong way, there is simply the way you choose to go. It's all about what you can live with and what you believe deep inside your hearts to be your truth. These are our children and there is no power stronger then the love we have for them. Sometimes it means letting them go into the unknown without our help, sometimes we continue supporting them. Whatever you and your husband decide to do, I so wish you peace. Many gentle hugs to you and husband.......... [/QUOTE]
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