Going on two weeks of very little contact...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by ColleenB, Aug 29, 2016.

  1. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I've never gone this long without seeing my son (except for a time I was teaching overseas for a month)

    He has no phone now, and the only way to contact him was through a landline that after today he will no longer have. Husband went over tonight to move him to a new place. I didn't go.

    I've only spoken to him tonight for a few minutes to arrange the help. We didn't talk longer than two minutes. I haven't ever gone this long without contact. Even when I was overseas we texted.

    It feels weird, but in some ways I think it's good. I'm starting to think I've been too much in his business. At times it's been out of fear for his safety, but I can't save him from himself.

    I have no idea how he is doing, if he's working.... I don't even know where he is moving.

    Younger son is also moving out, in two days.

    I feel kind of empty, like all those years as a stay at home mom, and then involved hockey mom were a dream... Or like a book I read or movie I saw.

    Is it normal to feel so detached from my own mothering? I so long identified as a mom, and I'm trying to figure out who I am now. Back to work today as a school counsellor, and it was good to see everyone and have some laughs and hugs with co workers. Looking forward to seeing the kids.

    I hope my son is doing ok, but I'm going to try and let him be for a while. I think he is trying to go back to school and as much as I doubt he can do it, I have to let him figure it out himself.
  2. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Colleen. I think you... sound good and strong and healthily detaching and working at finding yourself and, and, and....
    Be happy about this change, a new stage of life certainly, but a good one.
    It's great that your husband helped with the move, it is "touching base" without you becoming enmeshed again. My husband "takes the contact hit" many times for me. Our son also has no phone for the last few months. It's actually a relief in that there is no begging for $ at this point. He does share a "freebie government" phone with ex girlfriend. If we text to it he/they text back-especially since our text is "mom is sending dinner tonight" type message. My intent is to do this once a month on the week before his rent is due when I know he must be really strapped. It helps me feel that he knows I really love him. Does he feel that? I'm not sure but at least I've made that effort and he can't pawn a casserole or his favorite apple pie!
    So-that being said-I feel you are making much progress. Feel good about where you are. Today, give to your students. Make a difference there. Prayers.
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  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    It is all so very tough but it is all part of the process too.

    Your son knows he is hurting you. That may be why HE is giving YOU a break from it all. Somewhat "out of sight, out of mind".

    With my son too. Husband has taken over pretty much. Son and I tag each other on Facebook on cute animal posts. We have some texting interaction but it has slowed down to a crawl. This helps me. I deserve a break. It's been five years.

    Accepting that WE cannot change THEM is a big first step.

    They are no longer our little boys with chocolate on their faces. They are big now and making big, wrong decisions.
  4. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    I keep repeating the serenity prayer to keep me strong!! "God grant me the serenity to accept the thing i cannot change. The courage to change the things i can and the WISDOM to KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. when i say it it forces me to take a step back and TRY to mind my own business.
  5. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis


    You know I understand your pain . I think not seeing him is healthy at this .moment in time, you will know when you are ready.

    I think it's great you will be back at work. You make a difference in other people's lives, we wish we could be more to the ones we love.

    I get the thing about the book, I look forward to the empty nest, but things are already so different....

    I know I have lost me in all this...and I need to find me again.

    Hugs to you...
  6. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I'm just so so sad tonight....

    Went to see older sons new place. It's horrible. So dirty and gross. He lives above some old addicts... It's just awful

    We were looking at the university in the distance and I said to him "look that way, not that way" pointing down to the old men.... Was that so wrong? To want so much more for him?

    I know I promised to keep out of this part of his life, and I have. But I just felt it was something I had to say. He kinda laughed and said " oh I will"

    But will he??? I'm so tired of hoping and being let down.

    It's a double whammy... My youngest moves out tomorrow ....his place is not with addicts, it's closer to the university, he has good roommates. But I'm
    Still so sad.
  7. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    No, I don't think that was wrong. It sounds like he took it the way you meant it. Those old addicts might be a good daily reminder of what he doesn't want to be. It actually sounds kinda cool that he has 2 possible futures, old addict or higher education, right there in front of him.

    Hugs to you tonight, Colleen. Difficult Child or not, it is bittersweet when the last child moves out.
  8. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Colleen.
    Yes, his choices lay before him...but's that's it...they are before HIM. He got what you were saying, he already knows that's what you want for him of course. Maybe, in the back of his mind that's what he wants for him. But he doesn't want it enough yet.
    I get your feeling of disgust seeing where they are living, been there. Our son always "talked big", he'd live in a great house, have a fancy car etc. He never said "I'll live in a flophouse with no heat, electric,water, squatting with fifty yr old men who look eighty..." Yet, how will they ever possibly know where this road will take them if they don't see this side? Will they continue to feel entitled to break the law, not work and in general "do what they want when they want"?
    That is not how society works.

    When our Difficult Child was a toddler we attempted to teach him colors. A hard concept with this kid. The older children had caught on easily, so that's what I expected. No matter how many times I identified blue as "blue", he said yellow, red, green, etc, etc, etc...Did he think blue was the name of the object I pointed to? Did he not remember it was blue? Did it look orange to him?
    I realized I couldn't see what he was seeing....still can't.

    Hugs to you today, try to look for the good in both sons being out of the house. We are grateful for empty nest after all the years of stress.
    There's a family circle cartoon on my fridge...where the wife looks at husband saying, "When the children are all grown and leave home, we two will be all we have left". He replies "We two were all we had to start with".
    It is possible to progress to a new season. It's going to be alright. prayers.
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  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis


    We always see what we don't want too.

    Your son won't take medications? Mine would be bat crazy without them...He says...I'm messed up.

    The pills make me sad, but make him his normal which is more palpable to the world. I have bitten my tongue so many times.....

    I'm sending positive thoughts your way...and to your son. Enjoy you....
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Sad that we see our children living like we can't believe they should. How can THEY accept this life for themselves and think it's ok? I don't get it either.

    My son is in IOP but seems to be content just existing. He still doesn't have a job but claims he "applies on line". He waits for his girlfriend to get out of school every day. Really??

    I am doing so much better at detaching but I do have some guilt.

    I am sure your younger son moving out is hard too but that is the natural course of things. I think in time you will like having the house to yourself.

    We always worry about our children, grown or not. But it sounds like your younger son is moving forward in the right direction. Hopefully in time your older son will find his way also.