Going to court tomorrow - need feedback

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by rlsnights, Mar 13, 2011.

  1. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    difficult child 2 has his detention hearing tomorrow afternoon. We have no idea what, if anything, he will be charged with and whether he will be released home if he is charged. We've been told we will find this stuff out at court.

    We've visited him 3 times since he was detained. Because I'm the victim we've met with a glass partition between us. He's gotten angrier at each visit. The second visit he walked out after about 20 minutes when we tried to talk to him about the hearing since no one had told him anything.

    Today I walked out after 10 minutes.

    We told him we had taken stuff out of his room like the boom box etc. and he would be expected to clean it when he got home because it was still a mess like he had left it. He said we had better not have taken the $40 on his bedside table. wife said no she hadn't touched his money. I told him he owed it to us for the credit card charges.

    He said we "owed" him $50 - 2 missed allowances and $10 I borrowed from him a couple weeks ago. (The$10 was birthday $$. His sister hasn't gotten any allowance either - we didn't have it to give them.) He said he'd pay us back with the money after we paid him what we owed him.

    wife was conciliatory. I was not. difficult child 2 said we owed him an allowance for this month too. I told him we didn't owe him a cent. He owed us and he would give us any money he had to pay the debt. And he would also either repair the damage he'd done to our house or he would pay us back for the repairs.

    wife started to tell him we didn't have the money and I just got up and left.

    So I'm not too optimistic about how it's going to go if he comes home tomorrow.

    I wrote up a one page summary of stuff for the attorneys if they say they want the info. I'd appreciate feedback from those of you who have been through this before. Here's a quick summary -

    1. We want him to go to school all day every day. He hasn't been going to school regularly since November but we can't physically make him go.
    2. We want him to go to individual therapy and family therapy. If possible we want him in a diversion program that includes wraparound services for the whole family.
    3. We don't trust him home alone and we won't leave him home alone with his twin sister. But he won't come with us when we tell him to and we can't physically make him go.
    4. We want him to do social activities like school clubs or the Boy's and Girl's club. He doesn't have any friends at all so he just sits home alone and stews and gets into fights with us.

    Then I said
    "We visited difficult child 2 three times at Juvenile Hall. He feels it is our fault that he was detained. He says he admits to hurting me but that I made him mad. He says we owe him $40 for missed allowances and he will re-pay his debt to us for the on-line purchases by paying us back " with the money we owe him. He seemed angrier each time we came to see him. But he also said that he would do whatever he had to not to go back to Juvenile Hall. If we can get the help difficult child 2 and our family needs now, maybe difficult child 2 will never come back to Juvenile Hall."

    Thanks,

    P
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2011
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I think your requests are reasonable, but I also wonder what the consequences will be when he refuses to go...to school, somewhere you need to go, or basically do anything that he doesn't want to do. What will get his attention and get him thinking? I had very little leverage with Miss KT, because she just didn't care, until she started driving, and then those car keys were like GOLD. I pulled those keys a few times, and she straightened up to a manageable level. It was magic!

    Hope your hearing goes well tomorrow, and you're able to get the help you need.
     
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would hope that if nothing else he gets a really good PO. One that gives him really significant rules to follow that include all those things that you are concerned about along with a curfew and the attention of school with a mandatory grade point average, if he is capable. They dont usually got for straight A's unless the child is outstanding but they at least want the kid to maintain a C average in all classes to show they are trying and not just sitting there to pass the time.

    I would definitely bring up his attitude about this supposedly entitled attitude towards money he thinks he is owed. He stole from you and caused himself to be in the place he is. He should be paying you the money you are paying for his keep! Not you paying him just for being on this earth! Someone needs to get that through his head. Those should be his fines to pay, not yours.
     
  4. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    He is capable of A's with an IQ 135+ but I'd just be happy to get him on the campus for now. He really does like school once he gets there. But he's so far behind so often that I think he gets really anxious and then he won't go so it's a vicious circle.

    Yes, the entitlement is really huge right now. It waxes and wanes and I think it is a combo of mood issues - grandiosity in kid/teen form - and anxiety.

    It's so easy with him to see the defiance and entitlement as just plain arrogance and being spoiled. Doesn't excuse it but it's hard to get even psychiatrists who haven't worked with him over time to see that more is going on than just spoiled brat stuff. And believe me, while we may not always have been perfect, we were far from spoiling him all these years. We have seen this behavior since he was very little - certainly by age 3. But you can't tell people that more is going on than just defiance and entitlement. They think you are being defensive and take it as proof that he's spoiled. The fact that his language skills are very sophisticated (college level along with his reading level) only makes things worse I think. Apparently you're not mentally ill if you can still use big words. :crazy2:

    But when he was in psychiatric hospital last April/May they had him for 4 weeks between in-patient and partial and then again for 3 more weeks the next month. And both the psychiatrist and the partial staff decided by the second week of the first hospitalization that it was bipolar hypomania + ideas of reference + anxiety. The partial staff felt he was actually delusional at times but the psychiatrist said no she didn't agree. The psychiatrist said he needed an SED placement in a NPS but he acts so normal at school there was no way we were going to get that. Anyway, he was sooo much better after that round of treatment. He's steadily slipped downhill since then.

    I hope he gets a good PO and pray for wraparound services. If we are screwing up and making things worse I want to know it and get help figuring out what to do instead. If this is mostly mental illness then I'm hoping it will help to have outsiders see what's going on so we can get him a placement that addresses these issues better.
     
  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with KTMom, what will the consequences be for not following the rules? If he doesn't go to school, therapy, or follow through with a social group what happens?

    Fingers crossed for wraparound services. It could make a big difference by forcing some accountability and identifying issues he is struggling with.

    Good luck today.

    Sharon
     
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know what you mean about the cant be mentally ill if you can use big words...lol. That is basically the attitude I got from my neuropsychologist! She actually accused me of going home and looking stuff up on the internet so I could talk intelligently...lmao. Made my own therapist so mad she could almost spit. I was in the neuropsychologist's office when my therapist called on speaker phone to do a little phone interview and she wasnt real nice...giggles.
     
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Ugh!

    It's the same argument as "can't be autism if they look you in the eye"...

    or "can't be a problem because he/she looks so nice today"...

    Hopefully, the courts will be able to "see" that this is a kid and a family that need HELP - and will find a way to provide it.

    Best of luck!

    Let us know how it goes...
     
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