Going to the brooms...

[ML]

That sounds like a wise plan.

 

[Jena]

yea thing is which plan?? maybe try number one first if that tanks phase into 2?? would he be shocked? have you ever said hey listen if you don't clean up your act (no pun intended) i'm out?? i was just wondering if the shock value would put a light under his butt

 

[Shari]

He's been told. And not hinted...told. I have not decided which plan. Thing I have to decide is being married to this able-bodied but lazy man worth giving up the recreational things I enjoy. At this point, that answer is no. But I'm trying to keep my mind open.

 

[1905]

Yes, you definately need recreational things in your life. No matter what happens, you need time to chill and just have fun. Everybody needs that. My husband takes that to the extreme as well. If he's not at work, he's in front of the computer or the tv. I do every chore, and know when it's time to fill a prescription, get kids to dentist, expect report cards...everything. Most of the women I know have it the same. My husband does fix things, clean the garage, mows..it's fine at this point.

I have one question for you though, you're not going to do more than you're capable of- great, but can you really live with what's left over, and be content not doing extra? You have to be at peace, not stressed out that it's not done. I want you to be at peace!

 

[AnnieO]

Shari, honey...

This is what our computer room looked like until just a few weeks ago when I commandeered Onyxx and we cleaned it up. Our mudroom (old garage)? Is like this now.

This is what the kids' rooms look like until I throw a fit.

I cannot STAND when my home looks like this... And I won't... I don't know HOW you do it.

Oh yeah - those hooks? He only gets 5. Throw away the rest of his garbage on them. Ummm... IF you want to do that much...

 

[Shari]

Upallnight, that's why I haven't decided the course of action. No, I will not be happy sitting on my **** in a clean house while husband watches tv.
Today is a typical 'free' day. I'm logging the whole day.

 

[DaisyFace]

Shari--

The hoarding thing is yet another indication of depression. It's not "laziness" to hoard....it's a reluctance to let go of anything 'just in case'....and then the accumulated stash becomes physically and mentally overwhelming. There are too many "loose ends" and "unfinished projects"...and then anxiety and more depression about being a failure... It's a vicious cycle.

In your shoes - my ultimatum to husband might be that he MUST fully participate in therapy and any recommended treatment. I'd hate to lose a marriage over something "treatable"...

but on the other hand - if he is unwilling to really help himself? There is not much to stay for...

((((Hugs)))

 

[Shari]

Df that's exactly where I'm at. Willing to work. But he has to be also and a token effort to appease me ain't gonna cut it.

Tho not as bad as momma yet, its definitely gotten worse and is the battlemim fighting right now. Preventing it from getting to that point.

 

[idohope]

Is your husband the biodad of both wee and cgfg? Would he seek 50/50 custody? I know my husband would and if he got 50% custody I would likely wind up paying him child support. We have similar jobs and but I earn more than him. He should be further along in his career than me but he stopped putting in effort years ago, leaves work early all the time to go fishing, and has not gotten a major promotion that he should have been on track for.

Just something to think about.

 

[DaisyFace]

Df that's exactly where I'm at. Willing to work. But he has to be also and a token effort to appease me ain't gonna cut it.

Yes, I think that's very wise.

And I agree - you need a lot more than "tokens"...

He needs to walk the walk!

 

[AnnieO]

idohope - actually, no. Cgfg is Shari's stepdaughter, and Wee is her husband's stepson.

 

[Shari]

Yes no concern there. I told him some time ago there would be no children between us for this very reason. He wants a kid. Over my dead body!

 

[Jena]

Lol.

 

[idohope]

You wise woman....

Thanks for setting me straight regarding the "steps"

 

[1905]

Shari- I meant no hard feelings. My husband is less than perfect I freely admit to those of you here, nobody ITRW would know. I made myself sick, I took care of everyone, but not myself. I didn't even care if I died, that's how bad it was. 2 weeks ago I weighed 94 pounds and I had truly had enough!!! I am eating now and most likely gained back 10 pounds. I'm here for me, my kids and future grandchildren. It's my own fault for letting myself come in second to everyone. I think I've finally gotten the message. It took about 2 years, I can leave, people do like me, I'm completely great.... I'm not caring right now. I still make sure dinner is on the table at 5, or I go food shopping at 7 am to make sure it can be cooked at 3:45 when I am home from work, but it's ok .I feel like sharing my messed up life with you because I want you to know you're not alone. Everyone has issues. If my husband and I had no children together I would not even be here on this site. I support you and give you tons and tons of support.

 

[Shari]

Thanks, uan. I appreciate it. There was a time when I'd have stayed for many of those reasons, but like you, I know what I'm worth now. I have lots of friends. I can do all the things I need to to enjoy camping and my horses on my own. I can support wee.
That doesn't mean I don't want it to work. I just won't keep
Putting up with it anymore if it doesn't.

 

[Shari]

I must say, folks, today there was effort. easy child 1 stopped for a while and said 'what's gotten into him? He's doing stuff.'

And he asked mento do something for him and I said no. Normally that garners a super pissy response. He just turned around and went on. I stopped him and asked if he knew why I said no, and he said he did, and I was absolutely right to say no.


Holy moly, who's that guy?

Long way from over but there was some real attempt today.

 

[AnnieO]

easy child 1 stopped for a while and said 'what's gotten into him? He's doing stuff.'

That, right there, sweetheart, is a pretty good indicator of everything you've said.

And it's kind of sad.

on the other hand... I hope (for HIS sake), husband keeps it up...

 

[DaisyFace]

And he asked mento do something for him and I said no. Normally that garners a super pissy response. He just turned around and went on. I stopped him and asked if he knew why I said no, and he said he did, and I was absolutely right to say no.

Shari--

Tread carefully here....

He IS genuinely trying. Yay! Please be careful not to discourage him by making it a contest or "getting back at him"...or one I've seen waaaayy too many women do over the years:

After he does a task (and it's not as good as they would have done it) they criticize, point out all the mistakes and THEN give a speech along the lines of "Now do you see why I hate doing this? And I always get stuck doing it because you never....yadda, yadda, yadda".

Baby steps, girl!

Lots of praise. Reinforcement. And if he does a chore (any chore) - try to remember to react as though he just handed you a bouqet of roses. you know: gasp! Honey, you did this? O it's wonderful!

DON'T point out his mistakes! Don't make a comparison of how many times he has done the chore vs you! Just act happy!

And next time that chore needs doing, you add : "O honey - please don't forget to ________. You missed it last time."

Let us know how it goes!!!

 

[Shari]

Lots of what he did yesterday was outside, which is easier for him, but still a start and honest effort. He pried himself away from the tv after only an hour yesterday morning, and didn't go back to it until about 8. That in itself is massive. But he did unload the dishwasher, grilled steaks, put his clothes and towels away (the stack toppled, but I didn't say a word). And the one that really got me, after I had gone to bed, and pretty sure he figured I was asleep, he got the broom out and swept up some **** in front of the chairs in the living room. That and an honest apology for even asking me to do something for him, and asking me if the junk appliances need to go to the landfill or the scrapyard. First time he's mentioned them since they got put out there, and I didn't bring them up. I praised like a kindergarten teacher yesterday! Only thing missing was smiley face stickers.

Its a long ways from fixed or over, but its the first time he's really started.