Going to visit son.....Update

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Mar 25, 2007.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I'm going to visit wm this morning after not visiting for a couple of weeks per therapist's suggestion.

    wm has become more & more demanding that if we don't bring a gift he doesn't want to see us. Makes the entire visit miserable. :frown: While I want to spend time with wm, play a game, go out to the playground, you know, normal mom/son stuff; he wants the cash.

    wm is attempting to triangulate all the adults/caregivers in his life with the "poor orphan" story. It's no longer working for him & he's escalating. In the past, especially in foster care, people would look into his beautiful brown eyes & feel sorry for him.

    The entire team is working on teaching wm that he isn't the only person in the world. Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) worker, specifically, is frustrated with wm because it's no fun to work with a child who feels the world owes him because of life in bio home & here at our home.

    Foster mum points out to wm that he HAS a family who are very involved in his life (grandparents, aunts & uncles send letters), parents who love him & want to see him thrive.

    He's made choices (seemingly deliberate - though we may never know) that have pushed all the caregivers to the point of taking no prisoners.

    There isn't enough stuff in the world for wm to prove that he's loved & liked.

    The entire team is working the same plan - guided by attachment therapist. So, today, if wm asks for one thing or dismisses me because I show up with nothing, I'm to turn around & leave.

    As wm's mom this seems harsh. As we've tried about everything under the sun, we're hoping this helps.

    Hard sell for both wm & myself.
     
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Big {{{hugs}}} to you. I understand the rationale for not allowing wm to manipulate, but I know this plan will be hard for you to follow. I really hope he surprises you today.
     
  3. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Linda,

    I know how hard "turning around and leaving" will be for you if it comes to that. :frown: I think in the back of our minds we keep believing that just this one time, showing our difficult children that we love them no matter what behavior we have to deal with ... will be the one thing that really helps. Sadly it never was for us. :frown:

    While it will be very hard for you, what was suggested may do the trick.

    Will keep you in my thoughts and hope for a successful vist.

    Hugs
     
  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    TM,

    I've been told that wm is practicing the phrase "I look forward to spending time with you, mom". Whether he believes it or not, it's a start.

    Maybe if he says it enough times it will sink in....the rain has stopped here so I believe that I'll take Sally up & we go for a long walk through the park & visit the playground.
     
  5. tracy551

    tracy551 New Member

    Visits are hard and leaving is even harder. You have to be strong for yourself and the rest of your family.
     
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member


    Will you be able to walk the dog together again? That sounded
    like a mutually enjoyable activity. Fingers crossed. DDD
     
  7. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    Hope the visit went well.
    I kee3 telling my kids I do NOT even look like an ATM machine, so why do they keep thinking I am one?
     
  8. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Thank you all - as the weather was iffy I didn't take our dog on this visit. wm & I went out to Perkins for pancakes. wm, foster dad & I are going to work on a special model car for husband whose 50th birthday is coming at the end of May.

    wm used his "restaurant" manners & didn't ask for anything. He spent the whole meal explaining the Naturo cartoon series to me (he had the latest magazine).

    So, all in all, a good visit. As wm was escalating a bit, I left before his anxiety went out of control - on a good note. Checked in with foster mum later who told me that he leveled out.

    (wm always gets goofy right before & right after our visits.)
     
  9. hlrc102

    hlrc102 New Member

    So glad the visit went well Linda. I think it's really nice you have a project to work on in the upcoming months. Maybe it will allow Wm to focus on giving instead of getting? ( at least for a little while.)
    Hope things are smooth sailing with Kt.

    Heather
     
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Glad it well. DDD
     
  11. On_Call

    On_Call New Member

    Linda,

    Sounds like your visit with wm was a good one. The pancakes sound delicious - I haven't had pancakes in a long time.

    I've never heard of Naturo. I am, however, an expert in Pokeman. Eek.

    Glad your day went well!
     
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a relief - it went well!

    Sounds like a great idea for wm to be involved in something for husband.
     
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Linda,
    I'm so glad to hear the visit went well. Hugs.
     
  14. Alisonlg

    Alisonlg New Member

    Oooo, it sounds like you had a really nice visit. :smile: I'm so glad to hear it!
     
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Linda, Excellent!!!! :smile:


    Dreamer, I keep telling my kids I do NOT even look like an ATM machine, so why do they keep thinking I am one?
    :biggrin:
     
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Linda

    I'm glad all caregivers have gotten onboard to help wm learn this critical lesson.

    Sounds like the visit went well. :biggrin:
     
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