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Family of Origin
Good article on how to stop being family scapegoat...Confused, Cedar, you may like it too.
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<blockquote data-quote="Confused" data-source="post: 653891" data-attributes="member: 18100"><p>SomewhereOutThere, oh wow, that definitely makes sense and sounds familiar! </p><p></p><p>witzend, I had that happen too, its sad we have to remember any bad event. </p><p></p><p>Scent of Cedar, you also have been through a lot and its hard for all of us to get away from the lifestyle, and even when we do, its burned in our head.</p><p></p><p><u>*****Ok... to" answer" each "number"</u></p><p></p><p></p><p><strong>How To Break Free From Scapegoating</strong></p><p></p><ol> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as family Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective - is not the truth. In fact it’s likely a lie that was created to prevent family members from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change. --->( <strong>I figured I was born tho be their punching bag, family/exs/friends and thats what I had to give( of course when really little I had my dreams before I started to "realize" things) Still working on its not all my fault, its them.. getting there!!!</strong>)<br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Locate and trust your ‘Inner Owl’ – that wise part of you that knows you have been mistreated and will no longer willingly allow this abuse from others or yourself. <strong>--->(Working on)</strong></li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Recognize that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you as target. You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings. To change this you need to start standing up to the notion that you are at fault. You will likely have to begin with yourself, learning to question and reject seeing yourself as ‘bad’. <strong>---->(They still see as they have no bad feelings, but again, work in progress for myself. )</strong><br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Get to know your true self. Identify exceptions to the negative stereotype you have been saddled with. In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc. Write down your good traits – you will need to be reminded of this alternate universe, which is the truth about you, especially if you start to fall back into the habit of feeling bad about yourself again. Understand that getting better – and feeling better - is a learning curve, and you may slip a few times before you gain solid footing<strong>--->( I used to have confidence in most things, but when told failure for many things- hard to change my own mind.. but again, trying and will make that list. I have my ideas starting to come in, just going to take a job, money etc. I know what I want to do in life, I want to help others, but I know I have to help me, but really, the process will never end. For us, its sadly permanent, least me burned in my head of all bad and even good things that the past holds. I wonder by helping others, how will this help me when my mind is set like this? It will because we all need support to move forward, people who get it, people who arent like the ones we are trying to be apart from. My past is part of me no matter how good or bad, so I just need to learn from it and move on and use it as a guide not be this way, teach others not to be that way)</strong><br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you. Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the Victim role.<strong>--->( Yup, I heard that I keep playing the victim role because I haven't done much about it, but again, have started to put my foot down!! Its guilt, obligation,. love for them, family is family.. blood thicker than water, all people deserve chances, do I deserve more or different, am I taking it wrong whats going on( also been told I was), no love for self etc)</strong><br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’. Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child.<strong>---> (Thats a hard one, but, I do know I cant change the past, and unless I was hot, smart, rich, talented, prefect at cooking and doing things for others, Ill NEVER win. But, I still do "crave" the family and friends is why, as well as the family is family things, blood thicker than water etc.. well, not so much now..in progress!!!))</strong><br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends. They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable.<strong>----->( yes , yes and more yes!!! just happened few days back..again...they are just NEVER wrong <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/crazy2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":crazy2:" title="crazy :crazy2:" data-shortname=":crazy2:" />)</strong><br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you. E.G., “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “If you want to have a relationship with me, you will stop the angry outbursts, name calling, accusations, etc.” Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people. The point is that you hear and respect yourself! Don’t do this until you are ready to follow through with your commitment to yourself.---> <strong>(um yes, and the blame goes back to me that I was the one who was wrong or talked bad, that I took what they said wrong " uggh!! They are always right no matter what, even if theres some type of proof they were wrong)</strong><br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater(s). This may involve limited or no contact with those who are determined to continue to abuse you. You may experience feelings of grief. Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed. This pain is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone.<strong>--->( see, a call is great, visit can be too, but as you all told me, STAY AWAY and go ONLY when things can be a quick in and out or call, nothing else or quit all contact-- Im also proud to say, been following that!!!!!!!!!!)</strong><br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Get in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance. Practice viewing yourself as a person of worth and lovability. This will likely feel weird at first as it is unfamiliar. But even though it is unfamiliar, treating yourself in a loving manner is never wrong.<strong>--->( yup, starting by watching my weight now, and going to go to my own doctors instead of always everyone else first !!Oh and if I ever have a perm place to live, I shall buy me a Hot Tub!!!- of course the kiddos can use it too)</strong><br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Understand that it will take time to learn how to love and appreciate yourself. You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective. Be patient as this false image gradually crumbles. Get counselling to help you overcome this painful legacy, and find your true self - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be.<strong>-->( True, very slow process for me but job and weight loss, own place, kids settled will all be helping me towards this goal)</strong><br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Practice what you preach with others… Break the cycle<strong>--->(Im working on it- some things or views should I say I have never changed nor will I so Im still proud and strong that way!! They couldnt break that!!)</strong></li> </ol></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Confused, post: 653891, member: 18100"] SomewhereOutThere, oh wow, that definitely makes sense and sounds familiar! witzend, I had that happen too, its sad we have to remember any bad event. Scent of Cedar, you also have been through a lot and its hard for all of us to get away from the lifestyle, and even when we do, its burned in our head. [U]*****Ok... to" answer" each "number"[/U] [U][/U] [B]How To Break Free From Scapegoating[/B] [LIST=1] [*]Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as family Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective - is not the truth. In fact it’s likely a lie that was created to prevent family members from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change. --->( [B]I figured I was born tho be their punching bag, family/exs/friends and thats what I had to give( of course when really little I had my dreams before I started to "realize" things) Still working on its not all my fault, its them.. getting there!!![/B]) [*]Locate and trust your ‘Inner Owl’ – that wise part of you that knows you have been mistreated and will no longer willingly allow this abuse from others or yourself. [B]--->(Working on)[/B] [*]Recognize that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you as target. You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings. To change this you need to start standing up to the notion that you are at fault. You will likely have to begin with yourself, learning to question and reject seeing yourself as ‘bad’. [B]---->(They still see as they have no bad feelings, but again, work in progress for myself. )[/B] [*]Get to know your true self. Identify exceptions to the negative stereotype you have been saddled with. In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc. Write down your good traits – you will need to be reminded of this alternate universe, which is the truth about you, especially if you start to fall back into the habit of feeling bad about yourself again. Understand that getting better – and feeling better - is a learning curve, and you may slip a few times before you gain solid footing[B]--->( I used to have confidence in most things, but when told failure for many things- hard to change my own mind.. but again, trying and will make that list. I have my ideas starting to come in, just going to take a job, money etc. I know what I want to do in life, I want to help others, but I know I have to help me, but really, the process will never end. For us, its sadly permanent, least me burned in my head of all bad and even good things that the past holds. I wonder by helping others, how will this help me when my mind is set like this? It will because we all need support to move forward, people who get it, people who arent like the ones we are trying to be apart from. My past is part of me no matter how good or bad, so I just need to learn from it and move on and use it as a guide not be this way, teach others not to be that way)[/B] [*]Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you. Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the Victim role.[B]--->( Yup, I heard that I keep playing the victim role because I haven't done much about it, but again, have started to put my foot down!! Its guilt, obligation,. love for them, family is family.. blood thicker than water, all people deserve chances, do I deserve more or different, am I taking it wrong whats going on( also been told I was), no love for self etc)[/B] [*]Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’. Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child.[B]---> (Thats a hard one, but, I do know I cant change the past, and unless I was hot, smart, rich, talented, prefect at cooking and doing things for others, Ill NEVER win. But, I still do "crave" the family and friends is why, as well as the family is family things, blood thicker than water etc.. well, not so much now..in progress!!!))[/B] [*]Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends. They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable.[B]----->( yes , yes and more yes!!! just happened few days back..again...they are just NEVER wrong :crazy2:)[/B] [*]Start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you. E.G., “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “If you want to have a relationship with me, you will stop the angry outbursts, name calling, accusations, etc.” Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people. The point is that you hear and respect yourself! Don’t do this until you are ready to follow through with your commitment to yourself.---> [B](um yes, and the blame goes back to me that I was the one who was wrong or talked bad, that I took what they said wrong " uggh!! They are always right no matter what, even if theres some type of proof they were wrong)[/B] [*]Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater(s). This may involve limited or no contact with those who are determined to continue to abuse you. You may experience feelings of grief. Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed. This pain is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone.[B]--->( see, a call is great, visit can be too, but as you all told me, STAY AWAY and go ONLY when things can be a quick in and out or call, nothing else or quit all contact-- Im also proud to say, been following that!!!!!!!!!!)[/B] [*]Get in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance. Practice viewing yourself as a person of worth and lovability. This will likely feel weird at first as it is unfamiliar. But even though it is unfamiliar, treating yourself in a loving manner is never wrong.[B]--->( yup, starting by watching my weight now, and going to go to my own doctors instead of always everyone else first !!Oh and if I ever have a perm place to live, I shall buy me a Hot Tub!!!- of course the kiddos can use it too)[/B] [*]Understand that it will take time to learn how to love and appreciate yourself. You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective. Be patient as this false image gradually crumbles. Get counselling to help you overcome this painful legacy, and find your true self - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be.[B]-->( True, very slow process for me but job and weight loss, own place, kids settled will all be helping me towards this goal)[/B] [*]Practice what you preach with others… Break the cycle[B]--->(Im working on it- some things or views should I say I have never changed nor will I so Im still proud and strong that way!! They couldnt break that!!)[/B] [/LIST] [/QUOTE]
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Good article on how to stop being family scapegoat...Confused, Cedar, you may like it too.
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