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<blockquote data-quote="Fran" data-source="post: 72073" data-attributes="member: 3"><p>SRL,</p><p> While so many of our kids have similar labels, they still have their own basic personalities and genetic mixes. While we can help them learn to function as they ought(hopefully), we can't deny who they are and how it manifests throughout their development. </p><p> One of the helpful tools I used was asking difficult child if he were the parent, what would he do? Or pointing out in a movie similar behaviors and opening up a discussion of why it was not the best way to behave. They are smart and dealing with them honestly has been the lesson I learned after everything else failed. I ask, what can I do to prevent this destruction. </p><p> I'm sure the books recommended will offer you more practical advice than I can give but looking back my son's personality continues to be the same although it is overlaid with learned socializations. As he has matured he has more depth and complexity but he is still a young adult who does not believe anyone knows a better way than he does. His decisions are justified even if the reality tells him he is wrong. We are fortunate that he is an empathetic young man and is kind through and through but I can see that if he didn't have the emotional openess that he could be very unfeeling.</p><p> Using the emotions that bind him to his friends is a good tool to identify with his siblings. How would he feel if his friend did to him what difficult child did to his sister? </p><p></p><p> I'm a big believer that 13yr olds(give or take a year or two) should be on an island until they become civilized but unfortunately we all have to get through the "dark times"(my difficult child's terminology)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Fran, post: 72073, member: 3"] SRL, While so many of our kids have similar labels, they still have their own basic personalities and genetic mixes. While we can help them learn to function as they ought(hopefully), we can't deny who they are and how it manifests throughout their development. One of the helpful tools I used was asking difficult child if he were the parent, what would he do? Or pointing out in a movie similar behaviors and opening up a discussion of why it was not the best way to behave. They are smart and dealing with them honestly has been the lesson I learned after everything else failed. I ask, what can I do to prevent this destruction. I'm sure the books recommended will offer you more practical advice than I can give but looking back my son's personality continues to be the same although it is overlaid with learned socializations. As he has matured he has more depth and complexity but he is still a young adult who does not believe anyone knows a better way than he does. His decisions are justified even if the reality tells him he is wrong. We are fortunate that he is an empathetic young man and is kind through and through but I can see that if he didn't have the emotional openess that he could be very unfeeling. Using the emotions that bind him to his friends is a good tool to identify with his siblings. How would he feel if his friend did to him what difficult child did to his sister? I'm a big believer that 13yr olds(give or take a year or two) should be on an island until they become civilized but unfortunately we all have to get through the "dark times"(my difficult child's terminology) [/QUOTE]
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