Got an email from daughter

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Esri, Feb 17, 2015.

  1. Esri

    Esri Member

    She wants to take her sister out for ice cream

    She didn't ask, she just stated
    "I want to take **** out for ice cream after school this week"

    Not sure how I feel, I don't want to keep her from her sister but I don't know if I trust her.

    She hasn't asked once all summer about her sister or at all since she's left.

    She's the one that told me to stay out of her life. This is not what I want but I was finally trying to move on, the best way I can, I guess.

    I just stopped crying everyday recently over this nightmare and was starting to get more control over my life, learning to accept that my oldest wasn't going to be a part of my life. Her choice. I've tried reaching out to her but she just comes back with how she doesn't want me to contact her. A few weeks ago I asked if she wanted to talk and she replied:

    Her: I told you not to contact me.
    Me: ok, I can't believe the person you turned out to be.
    Her: I can't believe you stole my car. And had your husband shove me. But s**** happens. peace out

    Anyway, because of her utter disrespect. Lies and immaturity I am just not sure what to do. I need to talk to my husband but I doubt he will allow her to see our other daughter.

    Thoughts? Advice?

    She also claimed on her last email that my husband shoved her, not true, that sealed the deal for him. I don't know if he'll ever talk to her again, that accusation really hurt him. He would have five anything for her.
  2. Esri

    Esri Member

    Not sure why my signature isn't showing. I'll give a quick update.

    My 18yo daughter moved out in June, it's been very volatile since then, she is using pot and was driving a new car we helped her buy. She was making payments. We had an agreement that she would take drug test if asked. We didn't ask for months until we had reason to. So after a lot of back and forth, my husband and I trying to talk to her. Her putting it off. She told me to take the fu**** car, so I did, I had enough of her disrespect and not to mention she broke our agreement several times.

    So we got the car back and she has since told us she wants nothing to do with us,

    She during understand why we did this. She refuses to see the truth and blames me for everything. We tried several times explaining that if she crashed under the influence, we could lose our house, if she hurt someone. Everything was under our name to help with her costs.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would say she can see her sister only under your supervision since s he uses drugs. You two don't need to talk, but you need to make sure she and Sis are in a restaurant full of people and not sneaking off into the night. At least, that's what I'd do and if she gets angry, too bad. I don't know how old your younger one is, but you can sort of protect her until she is eighteen, then it's up to her.

    You actually DID text with your daughter, even though she initiated it, so you aren't out of contact with her entirely. She sounds like (and this is just a guess) she could have either borderline personality disorder, especially if she has always been this way...borderlines leave people, often coming back only to leave again.....and they are very unpredictable emotionally and usually do not feel responsible for anything they do...or she could be doing more drugs than you think, if she became this way very quickly. She is punishing you for not paying for and upkeeping her car, which you shouldn't have to do. Our different adult chidlren often use this tactic. It's the adult version of, "I'll hold my breath until I'm blue and pass out." It's "I'll teach YOU a lesson." It's not good for our grown kids if we give into that and it's even worse for us.

    If she texts you again, I would only respond with one word or a short phrase. "Yes." "No." "I'll think about it." If she texts abuse after that, just type, "Contact me when you are calmer" turn off the phone, put it in a drawer, do not give her a forum to abuse you. You don't need or deserve that. Never check her FB. They use that to abuse us too.

    If she is smoking pot and maybe doing much more, she shouldn't be driving. It's actually a safety concern and you're doing the right thing and I assume she doesn't work either, like most of our differently wired honeybuns.

    Don't be swayed by your heart. Think with your head. If your daughter gets abusive, refuse to engage her and just firmly end the conversation.

    I'm sorry you have to go through this. As time goes on, you'll get fed up and learn how to deal in a very curt, efficient way with this daughter so that you don't give her fodder for abuse and you can keep moving forward. Do you see a therapist to help you with this? Go to a support group?
  4. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I don't know that I would let her see her sister. I would first ask the sister what she wants. Then you and the hubby can make a decision together
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    No. You cannot allow her to speak to you this way. I may be hearing this wrong, but if your daughter called and abruptly took power over you the way it sounds, then you have an excellent opportunity to call her on it and stand up for yourself, and for your position as her mother.

    There is no reason for discussion about anything but her attitude. You do not want this going unchallenged and this attitude spilling over onto the younger sister.

    Your disrespectful older daughter cannot play power games anymore. She does not live in your house, and does not have the peace of your home to hold over your head. Get her mad, once. It feels great.

    It does.

    Scary, and wrong-feeling at first because we are so used to placating and encouraging them.

    It feels great to stand up for ourselves.


    Sooner or later, we come to this point. Even I did. And though my son was outraged and put out and threatened to disown me (again), I stuck to my guns.

    With the help of the site, I saw the abuse for what it was and stood up to it, and it was the best thing I ever did for my relationship to my son. It was good for my son, too. He has a parameter, now. For his own sake, let alone for my sake, I should never have allowed my son to treat his own mother with disrespect. What kind of man (or woman) treats her mother disrespectfully? The kind that does not respect himself.

    Again, it is not fair or right or simple to face our kids down. It wasn't, for me anyway. I felt so badly about the way everything had turned out, so stupidly responsible. The way difficult child son talked to me was just one more shameful thing that had gone wrong with our family.

    But at least that one, I was able to fix.


    I know this is all so hard. I have been here forever, and I still post and post when I need to. The difference now is that I whine or roar or stumble around on point, on purpose. With a vengeance. And it isn't pretty or clever or clean sometimes, but I seem to have lost the need for that somewhere along the way. I know with every fiber of my being that I have to get myself standing or we will all go down. Things are better with me. I am seeing my children as strong, responsible people who can, and will, create their lives as they choose.

    So, that's good.

    If you had known me when I first got here?

    Ha! Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), I was such a mess. But here we all are together now, making ourselves and each other strong enough.

    I am glad you are here with us, too.

    This is so hard.


    Ha! So, I was reading the post over and got to the part where what I said G A D was turned into Generalized Anxiety Disorder!!!

    It fits so well that I left it like that.

    • Winner Winner x 2
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  6. Esri

    Esri Member

    We decided to let her see her.

    Difficult Child picked up my youngest (9) from school and they got ice cream and played video games at DCs house and then she brought her home, did not come in.

    Sounds like they had a good time. My youngest was happy to see her sister. No issues.
  7. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Please understand her actions and attitude to you are manipulation plain and simple. YOU: we don't allow you to do drugs and drive our car (reasonable request)
    HER: If you won't let me have the car, even though I want to drink/drug while driving it I going to hate you (unreasonable behavior)
    Hold you reasonable ground mamma!