got the medication now i'm afraid to take it??

[Jena]

hi

well
i haven't been in much lately. i just am not a supportive person to anyone right now and i'm not in the get it out mode as of late.

i went to doctor this morning and got script for zoloft. i've been sitting here in my rm for about an hr. with the pill afraid to take it after reading about the suicidal thoughts thing. i've had sketchy moments this past mos. i will not lie and im afraid to take it.

when i think of all the medications' my little difficult child has been on and i'm afraid of one pill wow what a jerk i am.

i'm so sad it's come to this i truly am. my heart is breaking on the inside. i kinda feel like my worlds' sort of falling apart. i've always been so resilient and powerful adn strong now ti's all gone. the stripping down process is unnerving to say the least.

i dont' trust anything or anyone sounds scare me now, there was a storm the other night i woke up petriifed. i'm a mess. this isnt' who i really am.

i'm driving boyfriend absolutely insane to the point where i dont trust anything he does or says he does i think he's cheating on me at every turn with every text message and every phonoe call and every let's just umm intimate website he visits i always knew he watched yet it never bothered me. now it's all bogthering me i give him the inquisition every morning it's like the routine now. the questioning begins after he leaves and carries on thru his gym experience and i usually calm by 12. he got a text from some waitress the other day again ugh hate his business saying good morning what are you doing today and i totlaly completely flipped out bigtime. i obsessed and couldnt' let it go.

he apologized repeatedly said it's a girl away at college i saw him textin gher few days ago and they texted a littel back and forth while he was at work. he asked her where do you think i can brin gjen tuesdays our date night that's what he said. the text i saw said i thought of something fun for tuesday. wow i flipped i said what are you doing tuesday on our date night and with whom? he said relax i asked her what she thought we could do. i said you know what this isnt' teh time to be texting your stupid waitresses from your stupid restaraunt.

he said you know what i wouldnt' be here with you supporting you thru all this if i didn't totaly love you. why can't you just trust me? it's getting worse the more i deal with "my situation" the worse the fears get. it's almost paralyzing at thsi point. such insanity, right?? difficult child's been hard to handle older one seems to be responding to me washing my hands of her cr*p so to speak.

oh man you guys if you went thru this ptsd thing how did you survive i mean there isnt' any clear cut how do we heal and get past this junk book. i like black and white may be the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in me i do not like grey. i am now in grey.

even after this poor man goes to work comes home to me everynight withstands my questioning gives me hugs to assure me he's not going anywhere takes me out to give me a mental break from kids i interrogate him at every turn everyday. it's so deeply rooted with what i went thru years ago it's disgusting. he doesnt' understand i have no control of it right now, hence the medications'.

help. i feel boxed in. this truly stinks. bigtime. denial umm isnt' soo bad afterall

 

[Jena]

ok so i stopped being a big baby and popped the pill. here's hoping i don't want to jump off any roofs anytime soon lol.........yes attempt at bad humor..........

 

[hearts and roses]

{{{Jen}}} Did you take the medications yet? Take them.

Nevermind - I missed your second post. Glad you took the medication. Yeah for you for taking a step in a good direction, here's hoping you feel better real soon.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Jennifer,

so glad you took the pill! It's not a bad thing to take medicine when you are being prevented from living your life. Hopefully you have good insurance coverage and you can stay in contact with your psychiatrist/therapist weekly. It may ease your fear a little to be in contact and share your thoughts.

We are here for you and are open 24 hours a day - no copay required

Sharon

 

[AprilH]

Hi Jennifer-
How about you get out of the house and go out for some fresh air? Or how about go to the gym and get some aggression/excess emotion out? When I am feeling like the walls are closing in on me, I go to the gym or out for a walk. That clears my head every time. Exercise has MANY health AND mood benefits. You took the pill, that was the first step. Now, get out of that house, OK?

 

[Jena]

thanks guys

yes and my heads killing me made me dizzy and i fell asleep for two hours. it's amazing this is what little difficult child went thru 6 times poor little thing. i'm getting a taste of what her little life is like.

no i'm not getting out today i have bad headache and i'm very mushy i usually push today i' m not and i'm good with that. just being here

sharon - copay thing was cute

 

[Marguerite]

Hi Jen. I'm finally making a foray into this forum - I've been a member on this site for several years now, and I've never got this far!

About the jealousy thing - I know being reasonable maybe isn't going to be too effective right now, but I can't think of anything else and maybe you can get SOME use out of it?
I learnt years ago to not get jealous. It wasn't easy, but I did it with logic.
It began with a bloke I was engaged to, he was a few years older and made a big thing of how mature he was compared to me. I was an innocent young thing living away from home and having to grow up FAST. We were doing the same uni course, but he had done a trade first - said doing a trade had given him the edge in maturity.
Our relationship was at times a bit stormy, but I am a peacemaker and would always try to resolve anything. He, on the other hand, was a manipulator and would use emotional blackmail rather than reason, to win an argument. I was learning to play his game, to get what I needed.
One night when it was peaceful and things seemed to be finally resolving, I said to him (as we stood looking over the moonlight on the sea - I kid you not!), "We've had a few rocky times lately, but..."
"Yeah, I've noticed that and I think we should break up."

I was totally blown away by this. When he realised that I had been about to say, "...but I think we're going to be alright," he was apologetic but did not retract. "I thought you were going to break up with me and I had to do it first," he said, as if it would help me accept and understand. (and HE had more 'maturity', eh?)

The interesting things began to happen afterwards. We agreed to take a step back from commitment, we would still be close and friends. And yet almost immediately, he began to be mean to me. He would arrange for us to go out to a movie, but I would have to get to his place even though he had a car and I did not. Then when I got there he would be too sick to go anywhere ("maybe I'll feel better in an hour or so") and instead of driving me home as he had agreed, I ended up waiting all day then taking myself home.
I was determined to wait until this temporary insanity wore off. So it seemed he upped the ante, all while still insisting that he was committed to me. We still had lunch with our larger group of friends, and he began telling everybody (me included) about this charming little Chinese girl who was his partner in Chemistry prac. He even added, glancing in my direction, "how MATURE she is."

Then we noticed that he no longer sat with us in Geology lectures, he had his head close to the little Chinese girl sitting next to him - I made the obvious assumption. But I wasn't going to make a scene - I suspected he would consider that to be 'immature'; besides, the girl probably had no idea he was still alleging himself to be 'engaged at a distance' to me. Now, I wasn't asking him to confirm our relationship - he kept volunteering this. I began to suspect he was trying to mess with my head, but all our friends were looking anxiously at me, and making sarcastic remarks behind his back, about 'loyalty to friends', which meant them as well as me. So one day as we were filing out of Geology lectures I happened to file out next to him and the girl and said, "You haven't introduced me to your friend."
I was polite, I was friendly. But the look of triumph that flashed across his face was unmistakeable - he'd been trying to get a rise out of me! He had actually been trying to make me jealous - and I never could understand why, since I wasn't the one who broke up.
It wasn't the time or place, and I knew if we began to talk about it he would only get manipulative again, and try to twist my emotions to make me feel guilty (what the **** for?) so I backed off, annoyed that he'd 'won'.

I got my revenge. It was THE BEST revenge - because he upped the ante. Of course. And thereby laid the foundations of his own downfall.

I sat and thought about it logically. From what he had told us about her (and it was a lot) I knew she was fairly new in the country and was probably very grateful to have a friend. She came from a culture that had women in a subservient role and would have been agreeing with things he said, simply because he was older, he was male, he was born in this country and she must be respectful. I also knew him well enough to know he would NOT have told her about me, or her sense of honour would have kept her at arm's distance from him.

So how could I be angry with her? None of this was her fault, in any way. She hadn't chosen to be his partner, it was purely the luck of the random draw.

I got my revenge. I made friends with her. And really meant it, not just pretend friends. Meanwhile he kept trying to bignote himself with the men in our group, by implying that this young woman was crazy about him, hung on his every word, etc. all the while glancing at me to see how I was reacting. I took up knitting and did my best to appear nonchalant. Meanwhile I made a point of sitting on this girl's other side in lectures, and letting her copy off my notes. Afterwards we would chat, I think she was happy to have another female to confide in. She was determined to do well in her studies, had no time for romance she told me, but her parents were depending on her to graduate and then come back home to China.
As our friendship developed, it became increasingly obvious to everyone my ex-fiancé had bragged to, that she wasn't interested in him in the slightest. His lies (purely to get me angry) had left him with egg on his face. She and I would go off to lunch together, leaving him standing there. It was the BEST lunch!

By handling things this way, I felt much better inside. I couldn't be angry with a girl who could so nearly have been this creep's next victim. And she was such a nice girl, too.
When I had been feeling jealous, it was a horrible feeling inside. It felt like my stomach was trying to digest itself, my head was pounding, I had trouble even seeing clearly let alone thinking clearly. But because I knew that he was playing some sort of game, something let me hold back enough, and I saw and was able to stop myself.

By making friends, I learned to see him from her point of view. I also gained a friend, instead of allowing resentment to build. I felt happy and light, instead of sick and anxious.

The most important thing - it helped me see him in perspective.

Since then - there were a couple of times with husband, when I began to feel jealous. Again, I made friends. However, this time the situation was reversed - the girl WAS chasing husband, wanted him for herself, but he was too blind to see it. By making friends with the girl it made it harder for her to do anything to hurt me, and it also helped me know what she was up to. Generally it didn't take long for me to realise that for the girl, it was unrequited love and would remain so - I had him, he was mine, I was the winner.

It all convinced me - if a man of mine should choose to stray, then buddy, the door's thataway. If I can't prevent him from straying, then he's not worthy of me. And the sooner I get over such a loser, the sooner I can move on.

That doesn't mean you don't work at a relationship; but it does mean that you avoid the jealousy. A man who strays but comes back - at least he came back, he made a choice. It's then up to me to make the choice to accept him back or not (depending on circumstances).

For a female who is genuinely trying to poach your man, having you get jealous and show it to him is the fastest way to lose him to her. Instead, staying calm and sure of yourself is the strongest way to hold on to him.

And make friends with all the women in his life. Because if he ever leaves, you will need friends.

Marg

 

[Jena]

Marg,

Thanks for sharing all of that, that was a good story and good for you. Kinda funny she wasn't interested i sat here laughing while i read it.

men are amazing plain and simple. this has been an ongoing problem for me not trusting, it stems from quite honestly the ongoing abuse i suffered from my dad. which i'm now reliving and dealing with i had surpressed the memories. so for me i'm not in my logical mind when i react. i get obsessional i can't let go i guess that's the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in me im' learning i also have lol. ahhh enlightenment give me dillusional anyday lol just joking.

anyhow so my therapist thought of a way in which get this my logical mind can talk to my emotional mind that as of late is winning out due to the fact the memories in which i am experiening its almost as if the abuse occured and just happened last week i never cried about it, got therapy etc. so now i have to walk around iwth a tiny little note book and when i feel myself going over hte edge i can place mycell in drawer so he is away from me and begin writing my thoughts she feels that will calm me give me cooling off time i'm a doer she said so it will get me doing something and also i can then read my words and hopefully my logical mind will take over.

sounds silly iknow but its been quite extreme lately, that the nightmares, the senses the triggers its unreal like walking over hot coals. so anyhow boyfriend thinks its a good idea because i had already grilled the poor man 3 times yesterday and he did nothing wrong and now the medications' should help a bit also. i've had terrible headache and dizziness after i take it sort of like i'm in a cloud. so hopefully the side effects will ware off in time. it's high dosage and i've never been on anything at all i'm praying it works for me i need some relief.

my doctor also said they want me to go for edmr i think i'm saying it right procedure so i dont have to continue reliving the trauma in my head. it has to do with a particular part of the brain the hippocampus that actually swells and becomes irregular when experiencing a trauma. she said if i was to have an mri done at this time the irregularity and difference would be highly noticable.

she made alot of valid points Occupational Therapist (OT) me last nite we did session on phone because he wsa working and i was with difficult child's i'm doubling down now between medications and therapy i want to be better whole again. she said i have purposely spent my life chosing men that need fixing subconsciously to avoid fixing me and dealing with the abuse that occured. good point. now i have chosen a man with whom needs no fixing pretty much if he has an issue he goes to the gym and works it out so i have no one to fix but myself now. difficult child is an ongiong and forever issue.

kinda cool points she made. also my abuser laid the ground work with me prior to the ongoing abuse and then went in for the kill it was very methodical and planned out. so now when i see someone loving me the way boyfriend does just for me i get scared their laying the ground work to get up and run. so im quitting my job and making myself totally dependent on him, handling difficult child's and the abuse memories suddenly so i'm so vulnerable right now like an open wound gushing if you will.

ok clearly i need to stop now. hope you read this marg lol i rambled terribly. haven't felt like talking and typing past few days maybe this is a good sign i'm leveling......who knows.


hope this was ok for this board. if not pls. someone remove it.

jen

 

[Marguerite]

No worries, Jen. I got through it all. It makes sense to me. Just keep looking after yourself, try to hang on to the logical side of yourself and trust your logic. Keep telling yourself that your emotions and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) stuff are just an overlay, painted by your abuser to confuse you and make you more vulnerable.

You don't need to be vulnerable any more. You are a strong, worthwhile person in your own right.

Marg

 

[Jena]

Marg

thanks that was very kind.

ill get there with it all me, difficult child, its just going to take time and me healing from what i just realized truly happened. knew about some of it but not to the extent that truly occured.

i'm glad you made it through it all for you and also gives me hope.

Jen

 

[totoro]

How much Zoloft are you on?? When are supposed to increase? I took it for awhile. It did help me with my Anxiety. NOT my Mania though, LOL.
It also helped me sleep for awhile. I would go slow with your doses... and keep a journal.
Be honest about your moods. If you feel weird at all, call your doctor. You know out of the ordinary, weird!
I have been on many medications and it is still always scary, and it should be, this is our bodies and minds we are dealing with! While it is the smart choice, it is still wise to be cautious.
I started with 25mg... it takes a couple of weeks to really feel anything. but I did start feeling calmer. Like everything was not the end of the world! Know what I mean?? I could handle things better, it just happened gradually.

it may not work, it may not work forever, but give it a try. If not try something else.
Once you start feeling better, you will realize that you will most likely not go with out medications.
Hang in there.

 

[Jena]

thanks for the response. i hope all is well with you. i began on 50 mg it was horrible i got so dizzy i fell asleep on couch with difficult child home for two hours. soo not good. i went through that for 2 days. dizziness, tired, head felt very clouded and stuffy sort of like i had the flu or something.

so i dropped it down to 25mg i cut the pill. today wasn't so bad on that amt. or yesterday but now i'm having major headaches and i have absolutely no appetite at all since day 2 of pill. i also had racing thoughts on the 50 mg which i don't seem to have on the 25 mg. now i just have to force myself to eat and have headaches. it is helping my nightmares though already which is huge. i'm not going to give up yet i truly need something i believe i've got way too much going on for me to break down now with the realization and flashbacks that hit me out of the blue 2 weeks ago or rather the extent of the abuse i suffered and never ever went to therapy for.

such is life

 

[totoro]

You Know Jen... give it some time. But it could also not be the right medication for you... We have talked about Mental Illness before, you may need some kind of mood stabilizer?? Even if it is not Mental Illness, some of the Mood Stabilizer's help with PTSD as well as help with your Mood, racing thoughts etc... Just a thought.
I am not pushing my medications on you and do not even know how it is going to work for for me, but I do know my doctor's wanted to try Lamictal for me, because it has helped people with PTSD in the past, and I have Bipolar Disorder and PTSD... so maybe I get 2 for 1!!!
Hope you are feeling better, a little???

 

[Jena]

Hi

the side effects have lessened a little not much. boyfriend is like ok what are you doing??? he thinks i should hit gym he made me go with him today. he said ti's one thing if there weren't any side effects but you have alot of them ontop of hte flashbacks and the insecurity and trust issues as of late accusing him left and right of who knows what without any cause or reason. so he thinks i should go off.

it's not really helping much. it's only been 7 days. i felt like i needed something because this was alot Occupational Therapist (OT) go through but now i'm kinda thinking maybe not. the gym felt great the release was right away not like the medication's waiting for improvement. it balancd me so well i was able to go up to school with him he read to his daugther's class i went his ex that's a big wow for me to handle that. she was student of the week she introduced me as her step mom which was very sweet.

so now i'm thinking of stopping the medication. i hate to give up on anything though