Gotta question.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Lothlorien, Oct 21, 2007.

  1. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Okay, Missy's been having a little problem with a girl in her class. This girl was sitting right next to her. She said some nasty things to her and made Missy feel bad. (I'm wondering if this has been some of the reason why there's been so much strife in my house when she gets home fron school). Sooooo, last Monday, she said that the girl hit her and got the other kids she was sitting with to all start calling her wierd. I asked Missy if the girl hurt her. She said no. I get the feeling it was sort of a light smack kind of thing. Missy didn't tell the teacher.

    Tuesday, I called the teacher and asked her to switch Missy's seat. I briefly described what happened. Well the teacher moved the other girl instead. Okay, fine. Missy's happy.

    Today (Sunday) the phone rings and I don't recognize the name or the number. It's the girl's mom. She tells me that her daughter wants to talk to my daughter. I tell her she's not home (lied) and asked what it was about. She couldn't tell me, but basically said "it's just girl stuff and they can't really talk at school." I took her number.

    Anyway, so what to do? Should I have Missy call her back. I don't want to get into a confrontation with the mother. I didn't ask the teacher to move her daughter, but mine. The teacher took it upon herself to move the other girl. Apparently, from what Missy says, the other girl frequently gets into trouble during the course of the day, so maybe the teacher felt it was necessary to put her somewhere else.

    Watcha think? Should I have Missy call her back or tell her to deal with it at school?
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No way, no how.

    What the heck is the mom doing making the call anyway?

    No, something sounds fishy here. I would ask the teacher what she thinks on Monday.
  3. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I wouldn't. This should be dealt with as a school issue.
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I had the daughter who was always getting in trouble. She wasn't into name calling but she would hit if frustrated. Worse, she would get scissors and cut another child's property if they irritated her. If I found out she was causing grief to another child, I would have my daughter apologize to that child plus make sure that anything damaged was paid for. However, I would have been upfront if a parent asked what it was about. I think the other mother was trying to make it right as much as she could. I truly doubt she would have her daughter call because she was moved from one spot to another.

    Personally, I would call the mother back. Tell her you are not comfortable with the girls talking without more information. I'm sorry the mom thinks name calling and hitting are "girl things" because they're not -- they're acts of a bully. However, if it is to have her daughter apologize, I would let them talk. It will not make things right for the girls but it will let the one know that her behavior is not acceptable and it will let Missy know that her feelings are important.
  5. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    In your shoes, I would not have Missy call back.

    I would either email the teacher tonight, send in a note tomorrow or call the teacher first thing in the morning to let her know she may need to mediate a conversation between the two girls. You might also want to get the school counselor involved.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would have asked my daughter if she wanted to talk to Missy or not. If she said yes, I'd call the mother back and tell her they could talk, otherwise I wouldn't get involved.
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It seems odd that the mom won't tell you what needs to be said. If I were making M or L make a call like that, I would sit there while they were making the call - I wouldn't have any part of it.

    I'm with Smallworld. Give the teacher and Missy a heads up that for some reason the girl wants to talk, and that you want the discussion to be supervised. Since it was the teacher who made the decision as to who should move, she seems like the obvious choice. In the meantime, Missy should not have to worry about it, and she should if not avoid the girl, at least be aware.

    Big hugs to Missy. This girl sounds like a little meanie.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wouldn't have her call back either. It seems strange to me that the mom called but wouldn't tell you what it was about. Definitely give the teacher a heads up.
  9. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Another vote for very odd mother calling for her daughter... just strange, in my humble opinion. And nope, I wouldn't have Missy call her back.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Another vote for the odd mother ... kid should have called your daughter herself.
    Also, since the kids are only 7, the mom should have and could have given you a hint that the girls are having issues at school and need to talk. She didn't have to go into detail but that would have been enough to tip you off. Otherwise, if it were homework, she would have said so, right?
    I'd leave it up to your daughter. After all, it's her issue and this is how she will learn to cope and mature.
    Good luck!
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Another vote to go with Smallworld's idea.

    I hope things work out for Missy, and I hope the other little girl gets some help too.
  12. SnowAngel

    SnowAngel New Member

    Smallworld is right. The mother should not have called. It is the teachers call as to who gets moved. Seems to me you have done your part trying to prevent further problems by asking the teacher to move your difficult child. Apparently the teacher had other reasons besides your concerns to move the girl.

    I would handle it through school. My youngest daughter had problems. We tried resolving the matter (stolen prescription glasses) outside of school, but I was told by an officer that once you remove the school from resolving the issue, it becomes your problem and the school most likely wont help after that.

    Good luck to you & your difficult child.
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I had the same thought that meowbunny had. Maybe the mother is trying to make her child make amends and take responsibility for her actions.

    But I find it strange that she wouldn't tell you that if that what the phone call was about.

    I'm a big believer in gut instinct. It sounds like yours is telling you something is not right about this. In that case, I agree that you should let the teacher know what is going on and let her handle it at school.

    I also like the idea of both girls going to a counselor for a talk.

    I hope it all works out for Missy.

  14. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    If the mom was trying to make amends then why didn't she explain that to you? I don't think that was her motive but I could be wrong.

    I would send an email to the teacher. It's a school issue.

  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    The CHILD may have been trying to make amends but didn't tell the mother that's what she was doing - the mother may not have known. But why make the call? if this kid is as difficult and pushy as she sounds, chances are she's bullying her mother as well, getting her to do things for her. And if that sounds far-fetched - some kids really are like that, so are some mothers. It WOULD fit with this kid being a behaviour problem - no control at home.

    However - I think it is more likely that this girl was NOT calling to apologise, but to carry on taunting now the teacher has made it difficult to do this at school. Again, the mother may not have known, or may only have the 'gospel according to daughter'.

    My best friend is a lovely person but until very recently has had a blind spot towards her daughter. My friend will take people at face value. She takes on board what they tell her, and believes it. She's had a few friends in the past who lied to her; her daughter has lied to her about all sorts of things since she was very small and she's only just realising it. She then forgets where the 'information' came from and repeats it as if it is truth.
    Example - her daughter was in a TV show as a singer. This girl has talent to burn and should have hit the big time years ago, she has had every opportunity handed to her on a plate. She walks into a room and totally takes over, always grandstanding. If she's visiting her mother, I give up on any chance of participating in the conversation.
    This girl was dropped from the TV show. She then told her mother she didn't want to be a singer anyway, she didn't like the way she had no privacy, there were groupies outside her flat and she couldn't go anywhere without being mobbed. But I knew where she lived, my kids walked to school past her place, there were never any groupies. I've been out and about with the girl and her mother, I've never heard anyone rush up and ask for an autograph. So I always had my doubts - this girl deliberately sabotages success because although she has the talent, she is not prepared to work at it and doesn't cope with competition.
    So I'm sitting with my friend who is finally admitting she thinks her daughter has a serious personality disorder (try Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a start). "She's been lying to me for years, it's like breathing for her," my friend said.
    I said, "I think she is afraid of success because she would have to work at it AND deal with competing."
    Her mother said, "Oh, no, she just doesn't like to be hounded. Remember the TV show, she was constantly hounded then."
    "Who told you?"
    "She did - oh."
    Yep. She is finally realising that when you are lied to, you have to begin to question EVERYTHING.

    But my point is, a mother will believe her own child and also be used by her own child, often compounding a problem without realising.

    I'm with the "tell the teacher, do not allow communication without supervision," group.

  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    You might also be dealing with an older sister/relative making the call pretending to be the Mom, hence the reluctance to tell you more info when you asked.

    I'd give the teacher the heads up and let it stay a school issue.

  17. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Lisa, no it was the mother. She is a young woman and has all younger children. The girl in Missy's class is the oldest.

    I have considered all of your suggestions. I even spoke to a friend about it. I had written the teacher a note, but decided not to send it.

    I'm going to see what happened in school today, when she gets home.

    Depending on what Missy says, I plan to call the mother and tell her that I the girls have been having some tension between them ask her to explain what the phone call would be about. If the mother is receptive and not defensive, I will ask her if she'd like to have the girls get together for a playdate.

    It has been my experience with both of my kids that if a playdate is set up and they can play together, generally (or at least so far) the tension is gone and the kids become friends.
    If she is defensive, the conversation will end and I will inform the teacher.

    The thing is, I feel by calling the mother, she will respect me (or at least I hope). If I send the teacher a note, then I lose any chance of gaining this woman's respect. It could go down in a ball of flames, but I'm hoping for the best.

    I'll keep you updated.
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Why is it important what the woman thinks of you? What will her respect gain?

    Isn't the issue for the school relationship to be not harmful to Missy?

    Sorry, I think I missed something here.