Grads and whack jobs and my decision to exclude.

[Shari]

DEX's nephew graduated recently, and the family had a reception for him yesterday. husband and I and the kids were invited.
***
Even tho DEX and whackjob girlfriend weren't listed on the invite list, they have a knack for knowing and showing. I suspected they would be there.
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Now remember, right around a month ago, whackjob requested my assistance in getting rid of DEX, and I refused. I happen to know that she booted him out that weekend, he texted her that he was going to kill himself, she called the cops, they hunted him down, took him for a psyche evaluation, and because the family is prominent in law enforcement and emergency medicine, they released him to the family. Whackjob was back with him the next day.
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I looked yesterday afternoon at her facebook page. An hour before the party, she made a collage of her "2009 in photos" and every single photo was her with DEX. Which meant, most likely, she'd be there and deeply in love with dad of the year again.
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I just could not bring myself to go to that party with Wee. I couldn't do it. Less than a month ago, she wanted to boot DEX, but now he is man of the year, and she'd present him as such to Wee. I just couldn't do it.
***
I talked to husband and we opted that I would go alone. I timed it such that I had to leave after about 20 minutes to take Wee to ball practice, so husband took Wee and one of his little friends for a buggy ride while I slipped off to the party to give nephew his gift from us.
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She was there. Even has the ring back on her finger (which, by the way, she bought herself!) And she glared at me the entire time. Even the rest of the exInLaws noticed the glaring/staring.
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I felt so bad not taking Wee. It felt so wrong to leave him out, yet...what else do you do???? I talked to exMIL about it later and told her I left Wee out on purpose and that I utterly HATED doing that, but even she agreed that it was the best choice. Ugh.
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I don't advocate running away, but leaving just seems like a really appealing option right now.
***
At least the Brooms went back to their place at the lake....

 

[mstang67chic]

I don't blame you for leavig Wee out of it. If you really feel that bad about it, invite nephew over for dinner or ice cream or something sometime when Wee can participate in a safe, whackjob free environment.

 

[gcvmom]

No point in subjecting Wee to that kind of drama and mind games. It's just not healthy. We try to avoid the whackjobs in our family as much as possible, too. Nothing to feel guilty about. It's just being protective.

 

[Marguerite]

A quiet word in her ear of "Gee, whackjob, now do you understand why I chose to not get involved in your desire to get split with DEX? I am so glad you reconsidered; you two are so good together. Such a good match..."

It reminds me of a time in my youth (I was right at the end of high school) when a guy at our church youth group who I didn't particularly like but who was stalking me, asked me to marry him (!!??!). I said no, I said I was too young and besides, I wasn't interested in him. He still continued to pursue until he finally got the message - and two weeks later, was engaged to another (older) girl in the youth group. As far as I was concerned, and as far as everybody knew, they were welcome to one another. But this other girl, who had previously been friendly with me, suddenly got nasty and possessive about her guy, acting as if she had a reason to distrust me, to be jealous or think I might try to steal her man. Not a chance - but I was the only person in the youth group NOT invited to the wedding.

I didn't think enough of either of them to be really hurt, but it did annoy me because I knew both of them were behaving badly. HE carried on as if of course I would have to be disappointed to have lost my chance with him; she carried on as if I was actively chasing HIM; both were so wrong, but the myth grew and it was embarrassing for me living in that area and having to deal with their misinformation.

I guess they had to come up with these stories in order for each of them to feel justified in their various actions. But I knew that to try to defend myself would be to be seen as "protesting too much". Instead I had to be seen to REALLY not care. Of course, my absence from the wedding (due to my being the sole exclusion) made me look even more like sour grapes. I remember humming to myself at the time, from a song of the time, "narrow-minded people, in their narrow-minded ways."

Sometimes it is what YOU know, that matters most. Some people are just plain toxic. Some people (often the same people) re-write history, then blame everybody else when their own recollections don't match - they have to discredit anyone who knows differently. Over the years I've learnt to cut off all contact with such people and to also tell myself - any of their friends who choose to believe the lies, are not people I need to care about, I do not need to be concerned about what such people believe because I will no longer be moving in their universe. I imagine it's a bit like being a cancer surgeon - sometimes you have to cut out the tumour before it gets out of control. If it means living without certain bits that I previously thought I could never live without - then it is what I must do, in order to survive. of course, it is important to be certain of the diagnosis, but it is also important to not leave the disease too long untouched.

Some diseases can be fatal, if you let them gain control. And careful exposure, censorship, judicious use of social antibiotics, are what you have to do in order to be safely exposed to these risk factors.

Other people saw whackjob's dirty looks. Let her explain what she meant by them.

Marg

 

[Shari]

Thanks.
***
I just felt rotten about it, but I'm not about to allow that koi to happen to Wee if I can prevent it. I just hope I don't lose the perspective that its her and not DEX (he's not a stellar man, but we (being DEX's family and I) made this work for 7 years before she came along...) I don't want to turn into cultured difficult child's mom...
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Its just been a hard week. Feeling a bit bombarded by it all, and topped it off by coming home to an angry husband last night. Apparently I should have come the 50 miles back home after I'd said I didn't think I could get the horses shod cause it was Pentecost Monday and driven back again tonight instead of taking up my friend's offer to shoe them while I was there. How thoughtless of me.
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And I'd had such a wonderful evening until then.
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Alaska is looking better all the time.

 

[mstang67chic]

Alaska is looking better all the time.

Make it Hawaii and I'll come with you.