Grandpa, Kids, Dad, Sister, Health, Neighbors....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Confused, Apr 6, 2015.

  1. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    So back to grandpa issues. He needs more care and he just admitted it to my dad and wants me or at least him to spend nights again. My dad is extremely ill, cant lift at all and the stress level is just as bad with gpa as it is my son. My dad says hes going down, but this will kill my dad in the matter of weeks. My dad may also be in the hospital again soon as well, then what does gpa do? Now dad says he just wont go to the hospital when he needs to.

    So son is being his normal self and now I never want to go into a store or in public in this town again to say it mildly, daughter is back on strike because of braces issue.

    My sister is well my sister and all is the same which is no worse yet, but no better yet in her situation.

    My health, well, still gotta get to the Dr, yes still. Having health issues, barely can eat because of the acid reflux turned Dysphagia, (or similar we will see if i ever get to a dr) stomach and bleeding issues, stress, and, since Im barely eating( no, no exercising still) no weight loss ( thought I did but water weight?). And don't forget my teeth!! Least on the bright side my eyes are good.

    Certain Neighbors I "believe" are putting it in my gpas head that we, mainly I need to be there again as much as possible, all night period among other things. Because all of a sudden gpa is saying things how they would!!!!!!!!!!! What do they get out of all this? Starting to wonder!!!!!!!

    So, yes, Im just so confused, hurt, worried, tired.

    Now what?

    SomewhereOut There- you said and some others agreed, " I bet you dont know what peace is" No, no I dont. If kids are actually calm, something else is going full force, most times, its two or three things at once.

    It would be all my fault again if I collapsed from exhaustion/stress or health issues, I believe Id be blamed for that.

    Also to be believed is that if I had lived in a another town for the last ten yrs, that Id be the one called upon to care for gpa or everyone else even if my kids had same issues...

    Its like I have a sign inked on me that says" oooo oooo pick me pick me,even tho I have my hands full"

    But yet, to them Im all wrong, ungrateful, no good.

    No matter what decisions I make in life I will make most of the people mad at me, which I cant do anything about- Im learning that. Trying to. Im just not like everyone else, Im only me!!!

    Sorry all , needed to vent... and If I could I would have a snow cone, fountain sodas with an all you can eat buffet!!!!!! Then, id soak in the tub for two hrs and prune.. then, id have some one clean up after me and wait on me hand and foot for a few weeks!!!!!! Aww that would be great!!!!!!!
     
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Wish I could make it happen for you. You've earned it.

    What do these neighbors have to gain? They don't want anything to change. If Grandpa goes into care... who will they have for neighbors? They don't seem to realize that this is going to happen one way or the other, and sooner rather than later.
    JMO of course.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Confused, you were doing well, taking care of your needs, stopping the quest to do the impossible and be everything for everybody. Here are a few questions that you don't need to answer to us, but maybe fodder for thought. When you change, sometimes others don't like it and get out of sorts. Not your fault. Not your circus, not your monkeys (I actually bought a shirt that says that...lol!).No matter how guilty others TRY to make us feel, we know we are helpers and have done so much good and are kind people...to those who are kind to us. I say screw the neighbors. Now some questions you can ask yourself.As a kind person, the best thing you can do for him is to force him to get a professional to help him. That would be the best scenario and he can afford it. You have said so.

    1/Is Grandpa wearing his panic button? Why is he not hiring a night caregiver? They get paid to do that work and there are plenty of them. Is he insisting it has to be you? Why don't you just tell him it can't be you? Why do you care if he's upset? He needs more care than any non-medical person can give him. He is old and sick and needs professionals to care for him. Close your ears to his irrational demands.

    2/This is a tochy question, but I want you to ask yourself this. Your father has Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD). Why? Does he still smoke while he is so sick? He can't be THAT old to be THAT sick. Does your father HAVE to take care of gmpa? He too can delegate Gmpas care to a health care nurse. So, no, he doesn't have to do it. If he chooses to do it, then that is his decision. It is not your fault. It is his own choice and very unnecessary. Your Dad resting in the hospital...is that really a bad thing? They will take care of him and he won't be running around.

    3. Who comes first? Grandpa, Dad or the kids? Just ask yourself this because you can't take care of all of them and give equal care to all. It's not humanly possible to do so.

    4. Confused, I can relate to what the neighbors say today. This week I found out my own sister was spying on me here then posting horrible, untrue stuff on a personality disorder site and not mentioning the good in me, of course. Yet reading her posts brought me down until I rationalized to myself, "And I care what she thinks because....????" Actually, I don't care what she thinks. I am moving on and she can say what she wants to whomever she wants and as much as she wants and that's how you should feel about your neighbors. They aren't even people who were raised with you, who are supposed to love you. They are neighbors. SO WHAT? Do what I'm going to do. I'm never visiting Sister's "we hate people so they are borderline" site again and you don't ever have to talk to your neighbors again. You can nod and smile and say "hi" and leave it at that. Why have a conversation with these people? They do not have your best intersts at heart and, in general, seems like nobody has your children's interests at heart.

    This is just my .02 and it's worth all .02 of it :) Move, like you planned. Moe as fast as you can before you get sucked in. I got sucked into my sister's drama again and I'm SO ANGRY at ME, not my sister. I am the one who has to take care of me, and I didn't do it. You are the one who has to take care of yourself. Nobody else will.

    You are getting stronger. We all have setbacks and maybe it is convenient that we both had setbacks in the same week. I can really relate to your feelings and the peer pressure and the anger at being accused of not taking care of grandpa, when you have the biggest heart of everyone there. And you know you do. And as long as you know, and all of us know it, these friendly neighbors, who would serve you poison in your punch, do not deserve the time of day.

    Facts as I personally see them: Grandpa and Dad need medical people to take care of them and you are NOT one.

    More facts per my own sense of right and wrong (not to be mistaken for a universal truth): Your kids and you should come first. You are young once and you need to make sure your kids get help and that you get healthy.

    Hugs from your biggest cheerleader. Let's decide together to put the facts first and the unimportant loudmouths behind us and do what we know is best for ourselves and everyone else. Rah! Rah! Rah! ;)
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2015
  4. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Insane, well, I don't know what to think anymore on who to trust around here. Or anywhere! Aww your sweet about wishing you could make that happen for me!!!

    Somewhere, cool shirt!!! Ok lets see:
    1) He is wearing in button now, but still needs someone there at night. He just brought this up today. I know, its hard to say no when someone is in need. He would be ok with a non medical person, but does need someone with strength to lift him if he falls. No, I have none and would still need to call help.

    2) My dad quit smoking but he had smoked since a teen, so it really ruined him permanently. I know what your saying I cant force my dad not to help his dad, but I dont want him to. I know its his choice. I agree, as long as hes in the hospital hes resting, what he should be doing, but my point is just saying how sick he is in the first place and how he should not be caring for his dad.

    3) My kids come first period

    4) I know you have been going through a lot with your sister, thats not easy to deal with and it hurt you. I wish you weren't going through that with her either. You don't deserve it! I knew I could keep coming here and have your alls support, you all do get it, it may be the kids, us, family, neighbors, carpets, weights anything. I virtually truly love you all!!!!!!

    I am here for you somewhere, always :)




    :group-hug:to both of you!!!!!!!!! Thank you
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    And you're my adopted cyber-kid, Confused, although you are a woman, really (everyone seems like a kid to me). I am always in your corner :)
     
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I am imaging you as Stretch Armstrong. (toy from the 70's you could stretch like crazy)

    You are being pulled in to many directions, everyone wants a piece of you. I suppose you can take it as somewhat of a compliment as you are the one they turn to because you can be trusted and counted on. Of course that doesn't mean that they should put you on the spot like they are doing.

    It's a wonderful thing to be able to care for someone but to neglect ourselves in the process in just not healthy.

    My heart goes out to you.
     
  7. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Somewhere, thank you!! I know you are in my corner :)

    Tanya, You described me perfect I think :) Your right tho, thank you!
     
  8. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This is how you put responsibility on someone else. Why can grandpa not have a paid caretaker, again? That is the only answer there is, aside from assisted living.

    Grandpa needs to be in assisted living.

    There is no other answer.

    He does need what he needs. You cannot provide the things he needs. He also needs to be able to respect himself, and he cannot do that if he knows his illness is destroying your life.

    This is such a hard set of circumstances for you.

    COM posts to us that worry is like making a fast getaway on a wooden horse. We have to see our situations for what they truly are. Grandpa is sick. Dad is sick. You have children who need you more than either Grandpa or Dad need you.

    There are other family members.

    If no one is willing to address the assisted living issue, that is what it is, too.

    You are doing the right thing in caring for your children and in getting your financial affairs and your future in order.

    This happened to me.

    Try Caffeine Free Diet Coke in the can only. The other kinds don't work. The other brands don't work. Even Prilosec had stopped working for me. So, I tried the Diet Coke.

    Now, I use nothing at all and am fine.

    Over a period of years, I healed.

    Cedar
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Assisted living IS t he answer. That's where he can get the best care. You can't give him the best care no matter what you do, even if you devote yourself to him 24/7. What we want isn't always in our best interests and should not hurt our loved ones.

    Your dad is sick due to his choices. That doesn't make him less sick, but you can't care for him either. He also needs perhaps assisted living or at least a home health care person to come in and see to his needs.

    Your kids need you. They are just starting out and need a mother. Grandpa and Dad don't need a mother anymore.

    You are important and deserve a break from trying to take care of people you can't possibly adequately care for. You are allowing yourself, like I did, to be the family scapegoat. Don't wait as long as me.

    I do have to say that by the time my mom got brain cancer, I let my sister do all the work. Mom never liked me. Sister was hot and cold with me. Neither really did squat for me and I live in another state. Not going to forget my family to help take care of a woman who literally did not think of me as her daughter. I had no guilt. By then I had learned. I wish I'd learned at your age, my cyber-daughter. Hang in there. I care. We all care. We are always here for you.
     
  10. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Scent and Somewhere thank you!!!!! Yes, my grandpa can have 24hr care at his home which will take up all his check( ok, so its more expensive then the NH!!! But, hey, his money! He chooses not to so he can save money for us as he says. No, Im not down there like I was!! Promise everyone!!! I do visit, yes, maybe once or twice a week for an hr. When he starts, I do leave!!( He has his good days too) I say oh, I goota go take care of the dogs, run to the store etc. But he calls me on it! Well, I am busy so no lie, just am going to leave a few minutes sooner is all!

    That gets me thinking bout my health, yes, Im going and will keep it up! Sorry about both your struggles and with your mom somewhere. Its not easy but we all can do this, slowly right? Thank you cyber mom :) Hugs to both!!
     
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