Ok, first of all I want to say that I am so sorry you need to struggle like this! Gentle hugs coming your way!
I have read all the replies, but dont know if I am missing something, BUT I honestly cant see what receiving the shoes has to do with her being grounded!?
For me there is clearly 2 ISSUES going on at the same time: Her getting the shoes and your parents undermining your authority?
Sometimes, not saying its the case here, but sometimes we are so angry with our child that we want to punish them in the worse possible way, in the hope that they will realize the impact their behaviour had on us. But sometimes we get so overwhelmed by this that we start punishing the person and not the behaviour. Its importent that the child knows that her BEHAVIOUR was unexceptable and in that sircumstances she made a wrong desision that now has negative results. That you still love her and care for her safety and that is why she is grounded.....Hopefully you have sat with her, went trough the behaviour, explained all and worked through alternitives for the future?
What I am trying to say: If she has received her punishment, dont know what exactly it is.....being grounded? losing privilages.....then thats that. If she then received a gift from her grandparents, its something different, she is still worthy of their love and acceptance. BUT! If part of the punishment was that during her time that she is grounded she IS NOT ALLOWED TO RECEIVE ANY GIFTS, THEN you have ground to stand on to say thank you mom and dad for this wonderfull gift, but part of her punishment is that she is not allowed to receive gifts, then gently take the shoes, go and put them away and say to them and her that she is welcome to get them as soon as her punishment is over! You need to CLEARLY stippulate what the punishment is, even put it in writing against the fridge and then follow through, not adding on and trying to hurt the person in the proses.
Regarding the therapist: I saw the same psychiatrist as my son....You might be able to combine the appointment and then take 15 minutes of the time for yourself? then you dont need to leave work twice, and nobody knows?
Regarding limits with your parents: I am in the opposite position...My parents think I dont dissipline enough and then my mom thinks she needs to step in and then sometimes do more harm than good. Maybe you can limit contact even phone contact during times when your daughter is punished, like taking her phone away during punishment?
Or explaining to her that different people and houses have different set of rules and for your house to be peacefull and working as a team your rules need to be followed?
Did you communicate before hand to your dad that she isnt allowed gifts during punishment? If so, I will explain to him and her that they are welcome to bring it, but that it will be kept till after grounding is over...IF this was part of the punishment?!
To be able to stick to your bounderies, you first need to go and sit down and think and plan hard on what EXACTLY is the house rules, this includes rules that visitors needs to follow....go through it with kids and hubby....sign and put it up on the fridge for ALL to see! And if needed, the consequences that will follow if a rule is broken.....
Just my thoughts.....
I have read all the replies, but dont know if I am missing something, BUT I honestly cant see what receiving the shoes has to do with her being grounded!?
For me there is clearly 2 ISSUES going on at the same time: Her getting the shoes and your parents undermining your authority?
Sometimes, not saying its the case here, but sometimes we are so angry with our child that we want to punish them in the worse possible way, in the hope that they will realize the impact their behaviour had on us. But sometimes we get so overwhelmed by this that we start punishing the person and not the behaviour. Its importent that the child knows that her BEHAVIOUR was unexceptable and in that sircumstances she made a wrong desision that now has negative results. That you still love her and care for her safety and that is why she is grounded.....Hopefully you have sat with her, went trough the behaviour, explained all and worked through alternitives for the future?
What I am trying to say: If she has received her punishment, dont know what exactly it is.....being grounded? losing privilages.....then thats that. If she then received a gift from her grandparents, its something different, she is still worthy of their love and acceptance. BUT! If part of the punishment was that during her time that she is grounded she IS NOT ALLOWED TO RECEIVE ANY GIFTS, THEN you have ground to stand on to say thank you mom and dad for this wonderfull gift, but part of her punishment is that she is not allowed to receive gifts, then gently take the shoes, go and put them away and say to them and her that she is welcome to get them as soon as her punishment is over! You need to CLEARLY stippulate what the punishment is, even put it in writing against the fridge and then follow through, not adding on and trying to hurt the person in the proses.
Regarding the therapist: I saw the same psychiatrist as my son....You might be able to combine the appointment and then take 15 minutes of the time for yourself? then you dont need to leave work twice, and nobody knows?
Regarding limits with your parents: I am in the opposite position...My parents think I dont dissipline enough and then my mom thinks she needs to step in and then sometimes do more harm than good. Maybe you can limit contact even phone contact during times when your daughter is punished, like taking her phone away during punishment?
Or explaining to her that different people and houses have different set of rules and for your house to be peacefull and working as a team your rules need to be followed?
Did you communicate before hand to your dad that she isnt allowed gifts during punishment? If so, I will explain to him and her that they are welcome to bring it, but that it will be kept till after grounding is over...IF this was part of the punishment?!
To be able to stick to your bounderies, you first need to go and sit down and think and plan hard on what EXACTLY is the house rules, this includes rules that visitors needs to follow....go through it with kids and hubby....sign and put it up on the fridge for ALL to see! And if needed, the consequences that will follow if a rule is broken.....
Just my thoughts.....
