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Grandparents and a lack of thought!
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 571393" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I have a bit of a different perspective because I heard about this sort of dynamic all my life, since my childhood. I had a grandma who adored me and would never say I did anything wrong and made light of anything I did. I was a very big difficult child and needed discipline, but my mom couldn't discipline me...ever...because I'd run away to grandma's house. Grandma was always in my corner, even when I did things like shoplift or steal the car when I was told I couldn't use it. I actually understood my mom's point of view, although me and my mom never ever mended our relationship...she took her anger at me and her mother to the grave (among other things). </p><p></p><p>I listen to my son regarding my grandson. I buy what he tells me to buy...usually I ask for suggestions. If I am visiting and his son gets into trouble, I don't undermine him. Before I'd bring an expensive present to him after he got into trouble, I would check with my son. $220 shoes say it all about the grandparents. Yes, we are here to spoil, but not to ruin their sense of right and wrong or go over-the-top buying the grand's love and approval. </p><p></p><p>I think there is a severe lack of communication here and I think what they did was disrespectful to you, dstc_. Grandparents aren't parents, but I do think they are benevolent authority figures too and our kids learn or don't learn a lot from us. We are often their favorite people. You can strike a balance and be an understanding voice but one who still firmly sticks up for the parents, our children. I think my grandmother did the wrong thing. I clearly remember running away to her house every time my mother was angry at me. Since my dad was useless as a parent, my mother was fighting a losing battle with her own mother. I remember my mom lamenting, "I can't discipline her...she'll just go to my mother..."</p><p></p><p>There are many things my mother did that I did not approve of, but I think she was right about my grandma. I'm not saying these grandparents are allowing difficult child to run away to their house every time she gets upset. But by pooh-poohing something her mother thinks is a serious matter, they are undermining her authority, much like many husbands or wives do to their spouses. Maybe talking to them privately would be a good idea. If everyone isn't on the same page, you can set up some serious leverage for difficult child...pitting parent against their parents. I see in parent emeritus way too often that a grandparent takes in a difficult child who is a criminal and I don't see how that helps the difficult child and I'm sure it causes bad feelings amongst the family members.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry they did this. I personally do not feel it was a good thing. It is up to you if you allow it or not. You can always tell them to visit your house after difficult child is done with her groundings in the future, if that's what you want to do. You can still make everyone happy in my opinion.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 571393, member: 1550"] I have a bit of a different perspective because I heard about this sort of dynamic all my life, since my childhood. I had a grandma who adored me and would never say I did anything wrong and made light of anything I did. I was a very big difficult child and needed discipline, but my mom couldn't discipline me...ever...because I'd run away to grandma's house. Grandma was always in my corner, even when I did things like shoplift or steal the car when I was told I couldn't use it. I actually understood my mom's point of view, although me and my mom never ever mended our relationship...she took her anger at me and her mother to the grave (among other things). I listen to my son regarding my grandson. I buy what he tells me to buy...usually I ask for suggestions. If I am visiting and his son gets into trouble, I don't undermine him. Before I'd bring an expensive present to him after he got into trouble, I would check with my son. $220 shoes say it all about the grandparents. Yes, we are here to spoil, but not to ruin their sense of right and wrong or go over-the-top buying the grand's love and approval. I think there is a severe lack of communication here and I think what they did was disrespectful to you, dstc_. Grandparents aren't parents, but I do think they are benevolent authority figures too and our kids learn or don't learn a lot from us. We are often their favorite people. You can strike a balance and be an understanding voice but one who still firmly sticks up for the parents, our children. I think my grandmother did the wrong thing. I clearly remember running away to her house every time my mother was angry at me. Since my dad was useless as a parent, my mother was fighting a losing battle with her own mother. I remember my mom lamenting, "I can't discipline her...she'll just go to my mother..." There are many things my mother did that I did not approve of, but I think she was right about my grandma. I'm not saying these grandparents are allowing difficult child to run away to their house every time she gets upset. But by pooh-poohing something her mother thinks is a serious matter, they are undermining her authority, much like many husbands or wives do to their spouses. Maybe talking to them privately would be a good idea. If everyone isn't on the same page, you can set up some serious leverage for difficult child...pitting parent against their parents. I see in parent emeritus way too often that a grandparent takes in a difficult child who is a criminal and I don't see how that helps the difficult child and I'm sure it causes bad feelings amongst the family members. I'm sorry they did this. I personally do not feel it was a good thing. It is up to you if you allow it or not. You can always tell them to visit your house after difficult child is done with her groundings in the future, if that's what you want to do. You can still make everyone happy in my opinion. [/QUOTE]
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