Grandson is only allowed to wear clothes that HER family gives him

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Sep 3, 2009.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    And the beat goes on from my daughter-in-law. My son tried to dress grandson before taking him to daycare, but it happened to be one of the many outfits *I* bought him, which she won't allow him to wear. She said, "He's only allowed to wear clothes that MY family gets him." Why? I have no idea. Maybe because before he was born I bought tons and tons of cute, new looking baby clothes at garage sales and she freaked out and told me he can only wear new clothes because of the possible "germs." I told her I washed it all, but that didn't matter. Ok, well, it's her baby so I bought him a lot of cute and expensive NEW clothes since then, but he's never worn any. I'll bet he's not allowed to play with any toys my side of the family gives him too.

    From now on I'm putting money in the bank (in my name) for grandson. Why get him things he isn't allowed to use? As for son, he's so stressed out over how she is treating him that he won't argue about this idiosyncrasy at this time. One last thing: Grandson is delayed in speech and was tested for Early Intervention Services (he is 15 months). He qualified. daughter in law cried herself a river and refused to let him go saying that "they did it wrong. He'll outgrow it." Son can't send him without her consent too, but he's very worried. At 15 months, this child has no vocabulary at all. He babbles.

    Poor kid.
     
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Mwm,
    I'm sorry daughter in law is so hurtful and she sounds very shallow. I hope she will eventually come around and also that she will allow your grandson to get the speech therapy he needs. Hugs.
     
  3. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    It sounds like she has some Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) issues of her own.

    Sorry you are having to deal with this. Hopefully, she will get over it and allow the baby to get what he needs.
     
  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, I can only imagine how hurtful this is. Your son, being the dad, has a say in what he dresses the child in. She is hurting your son, which is the real travesty. You're smart not to buy your grandson things he can't have. She seems to get pleasure in denying your family. The earlier the child gets services the better, you're daughter in law is not very smart, I hope she comes to her senses soon.
     
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Just remember that this is their battle, not yours. You're doing the right thing by setting the money aside for a day when you will be allowed to give him something he wants or needs.
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Witz is right. You cannot win this battle. If you step in, other than to give sympathy and gentle support to your son, you WILL lose. If they work through it then he will always wonder if you are mad or disappointed in him. Hard as it is, just be a quiet rock of support for him.

    She sure sounds Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) on the germ thing. She also sounds very young and very ignorant.

    I hope your son will put his foot down about the speech before long. As you know, early intervention is crucial. Be sure you don't rant or push hard on your son. Come here to vent, rant, rail at the situation, etc... Just keep cool and quiet in person.

    maybe you can use that money to help your son get the court's order for these services if/when they divorce.

    You are right on the money to put the money aside for your grandson. It will be a nice nest egg someday when he just MUST get away from his mother.

    I am always confused by parents who cling to the "nothing is wrong with MY child" even when help is so clearly needed.

    on the other hand, my husband did not speak for a long time. His sister is 11 months younger than he is. She spoke at 10 months. He started speaking with a FULL vocabulary of about 200 words the week after she started speaking.

    No one knows why. My mother in law noted it in his baby book along with all of the words he suddenly used.

    I have long thought that there is a bit of Aspie in my husband.
     
  7. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    I'm sorry, I know this is all very hurtful.

    The next time your son starts to bring up an issue like this I suggest that you have a pre-prepared answer ready to go that a) will stop him immediately from telling you more hurtful info regarding his wife and baby that you can do nothing about and b) redirecting him to somebody appropriate to vent this stuff to.

    Passing this sort of information along to you serves absolutely no positive purpose whatsoever. If he has issues with his wife and child he should be taking it up with a counselor--NOT with you as mother/mother-in-law/grandma.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks.

    My son is using me as his sounding board about his marital problems. And he probably won't leave her. And s he is probably too insecure to leave him, no matter how she'd like to. I will step back.

    However, the only things I'm going to give grandson are money in a bank account I set up. I know he can use that one day.

    The holidays will fun this year. Ugh. I'd almost rather not go to Illinois and have to see her because she will hog grandson anyways and not let him come to anyone else (and he clings to her like glue). But I do want to see my grown daughter (sigh).

    Thanks all. She is 29, but very immature and, no, she is not bright. Sad thing is, my son is VERY bright, but very submissive to her so she rules.
     
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    MWM do we have the same daughter in law? LOL. Mine will be 29 this year. Mine isnt trying to leave Jamie though. I think she is too smart for that with two kids now.

    I have learned that I just cant win on the clothes thing. I cant send her Keyana's hand-me-downs. She simply wont have them but she wants to give me stuff for Keyana that she gets from other people...lol. She also doesnt want anything I buy off Ebay for her offspring. I buy a ton of stuff off Ebay for Keyana. In fact, up till now, I have bought most of her clothes off there. I bought almost a years worth of clothes for Haillie on Ebay and she basically gave most of them away. Ticked me off!

    I bought a few new clothes for this new baby at Walmart and left the tags on them. If she didnt like them, she can take them back. I dont care. I am hoping she gets a bit more relaxed with baby number two. I know sometimes with a first kid you are so into them you want all new stuff. With subsequent kids, you just want them to have their booties covered. Clean is a plus...lol.
     
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am stunned. The whole level of rudeness just shocks me. I know people are strange but to be this rude to your child's grandparents or other elderly relatives just amazes me.

    Heck, I didn't even tell my bro off when he brought us a laundry basket full of earmuffs and hats that he got at a garage sale and learned they were full of lice. He lived out in the country and periodically everyone got them. Not an unclean thing, just living too close to nature. We had never had lice before so I was really shocked.

    He put them in a dark garbage bag and said to leave them for 2 weeks to kill the lice. It is an effective way to handle it. I thanked him and was very appreciative. I also snuck out and bought 2 pairs identical to the ones he bought.

    After he went back home I threw them all out. The thrift stores didn't want them and lice really creep me out. I DID take pics of the kids in the identical ones I bought and sent copies of them out playing in snow and having fun.


    I am so sorry they are so rude. I just can't help but wonder what their parents actually DID while raising them. Cause they sure didn't teach them manners!
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Janet and all, this started because I noticed grandson wasn't making any eye contact as an infant and I thought I was being very silly so I told my daughter, who was babysitting for George at the time, to check his eye contact "just to make nervous grandma feel better." Daughter told daughter in law what I'd told her to do, never dreaming that daughter in law would flip out. She thought daughter in law would also laugh. daughter in law called me and yelled at me, claiming she had my son's blessing to do so, saying "I knew you were going to look for things to label MY son with! I told M. you'd be a problem before he was born!" On and on and on, and I hadn't even meant it to get back to her. My poor daughter felt terrible that she had flipped on me. The thing is, something IS different about grandson. He's 15 months now and just started shakily walking and is very delayed in any meaningful speech. He says "dadada" but my son says he doesn't connect it with him. He was evaluated and qualifies for early intervention, but daughter in law won't let him go. I'm sure she hates me even more because I figured out early that he was different. With all the garbage on our family tree (and hers) she shouldn't be so shocked, but she is. And she has told many people that she "hates" me. So George can't wear my clothes or take a walk around the block with me or eat my food. George belongs to HER side of the family only. And I hate to say this about my son, but he is so afraid of her and to be alone that he'll probably not try to ease her into realizing that WE (meaning his family) did nothing wrong. She also is unfriendly to my daughter and her SO. The only one she likes is my ex and that's kind of humorous because he was a terrible father. But she won't dress George in ex's clothes either. And she ignores my hub completely.

    I wouldn't say this to anyone else but you guys have heard it all. I love my son, but I really don't like him very much. He is very self-centered and always has been and this is apart from his mental health issues. I am grateful to my three youngest children because my first two have really been hurtful to me. When I brought up that it hurt that I can't really spend time with George when I'm in, he said, "Jus think about how *I* feel, going through all this stuff with J. It's ten times worse for ME." I never said it wasn't. I've been listening to him nonstop for days and days.

    Thanks for reminding me to back off, those who have. I am going to detach from this mess. daughter in law holds grudges forever. And she controls grandson.

    It's my birthday today and son hasn't called me. That's the way he is. He probably forgot. If it's not about him, he forgets.
     
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    MWM...I do understand. I really do. I know there is something wrong with Haillie but I dont dare mention it. Someone will eventually. I just pointedly look at Tony after we see them and he just shakes his head at me and tells me not to even think it...lol.

    I will tell you not to maybe worry so awful much about the walking and talking though. Keyana was a real lazy baby. She didnt crawl until she was 10 months old and I thought I was going to have a heart attack then. I scared her senseless when she crawled a foot...lol. I screamed for the whole family to come see! I swear she just laid on the floor like a lump. She hated tummy time and cried and fussed when put on her tummy. She didnt mind being on her back but she was happiest being held or being in her bouncy seat or in her walker. Actually she loved sitting and being held. I think having an entire family of 5 or 6 people around at all times to hold one little princess probably made her a royally spoiled baby...lol.

    Once she crawled, she crawled or scooted or stayed in her walker until she was 13 months old. She took her first steps alone at my fathers house when we were there for Haillies birthday so she was 13.5 years old. Then she started skirting and walking shakily. She wasnt walking with any real ease until she was probably 15 months or so.

    She was a huge babbler but her words werent understandable easily either. She got dada, papa, baba, and a few more down...oh...bye was an early one for her. I think her first word was actually Papa even before the normal mama but we had her so much and said it constantly. It took her until she was two to actually get her to call me grandma. Every woman was Momma. Now she is talking much better though. When she wants to.

    I asked her on the way to the house tonight...who do you love Keyana? do you love grandma, papa or daddy? MY DADDY!!!! I love my daddy the bestest. LMAO.
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Aw, Janet...lol...that's so sweet :D

    Actually, since the incident where my daughter told daughter in law what I'd said, I have focused completely off of George's development, thinking that it's THEIR problem, not mine. I haven't even noticed. It was my son who told me that George had been evaluated because they were worried about his milestones. I don't see him enough to have any opinion and I'm certainly not going to voice it. I never DID voice it. I told my daughter, who was babysitting for him full time at that point in time, to humor a nervous mom and check his eye contact. She thought it was humorous and told daughter in law who flipped out. Trust me, she also flipped out when she heard that George DOES qualify for early intervetion. She probably wanted to slap the evaluator. She told my son that "She's wrong."

    I'm so NOT involved with George and, if I get the chance to be Grandma, my only role is going to be having fun with him. I raised my kids. I'm not going to worry about his possible special needs.

    Thanks to everyone who answered me. :D
     
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