Greatest fear comes to life

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Abbey, Jan 16, 2007.

  1. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    With J on the streets again, husband has become increasingly panicky. He finally dropped the bomb the other night that he wants to have J come live with us. He feels it's his last chance. His brother didn't help by chiming in to say 'the clock is ticking.'

    As much as I hate it, I told him to bring him back...but get an apartment for the both of them. I just can't do it when he hasn't proven ONE thing yet.

    I don't know if it is even possible as he's on parole. CA would have to release him, and Nevada would have to take him. What state would want to take a parolee who has been in prison 3 times, each time going underground immediately after release and defying all conditions of parole?

    So, I guess the next few days will be a telling time for me.

  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    If it's not possible for him to go to Nevada, would husband consider going back to CA? :wildone:

    I'm sorry, Abbey. :frown:

  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Oh Abbey, I don't blame you. There is no way you should be letting him come back home because he has never made an effort to change. I guess I can see husband thinking it's his only chance, but I can't see what a difference it's going to make at this point accept to allow him to come back and continue the same behavior. I'm so sorry you and husband aren't on the same page with this, as I know how difficult that can be. Hopefully they just won't let him, and then it's not your choice or your fault that he can't come back.

    Not much advice for you right now, just hang in there!!!!!
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh abbey...Im so sorry. You're in the middle of a really bad situation. Please know I care.
  5. transformtriumph

    transformtriumph New Member

    Of course he is desperate to do something for him but is the going to help? Sorry about your situation.
  6. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Hi Abbey,

    I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. J is affecting your marriage and family life with the other children. I hope your husband can see that. I hope he changes his mind about bringing J home.

  7. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    May all go well in your home and family thru this time. Again, I understand your husband. you have the right to feel safe, too.
  8. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Oddly enough, I understand his need. I told him that he has to do what he needs to do. I also need to do what *I* need in this situation. It doesn't mean I love him less, but I just can't do this.

  9. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Deb, I understand completely not wanting to walk that way again. You have sacrificed a great deal for this child and your husbands need to be his dad.
    At some point you have to draw the line in the sand.
    It may be a last chance for J but it could also be the tipping point for sinking the whole Abbey family. I wouldn't want to go down with the ship to tell you the truth. You have been keeping it afloat for a long time.
    I hope husband weighs the options before he makes that next step.
  10. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    abbey, there was not one person left on earth who still believed ant was young enough to still try to save....but me.
    even one person can make a difference. I believe if you love your husband you will want to be there for him as he goes thru this time with J. like ant, if J disappoints his parent, this could be the last shot he has...ever.

    no child is a throwaway. as long as a parent breathes, if there is even a glimmer of hope, it can be good again.

    your husband's quality of life will not improve until he either sees J better or he accepts and believes J is unsavable.

    talk with husband regarding ground rules before this happens.

    it may take time. ant was in another county that would NOT release him to my county. it took me getting a state rep involved to get him released to the probation dept in my county. it took a couple months. J may not be home anytime soon.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    A tough situation. (((((hugs))))) I don't think I'd be so eager to have him in my home either.
  12. Irene_J

    Irene_J New Member

    I'm so sorry. The toll difficult children take on our lives cannot be measured. I don't know why assisting J equates to him living with your family. I can understand not giving up on your child; I probably wouldn't either. But the level of assistance offered has to balance with the needs of the rest of the family.

    I don't blame you one bit for knowing your limit and stating it. Our difficult children can take our blood and then they come back for our breath.

    I remember reading your history when I first started lurking on this board. You have been through the wringer. I hope your family can find some other way to help J (financial assistance?) other than having him live with you.

    Take care.
  13. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    I am so sorry that you're in this position. It truly stinks. I hope there is a way out of this mess. Maybe Ca won't release him.
  14. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Just a hug and letting you know I'm sorry that it has come to this. I can certainly undestand how one can get to the point where "no more" is all they can think.
  15. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    I think that is the best choice you can make, Abbey.

    It is impossible to turn them away.

    It is worse to have them home.

    There is nothing wrong with paying for an apartment. Whatever J makes of this situation, you and husband need to be able to look at yourselves in the mirror each morning. If J's needs for shelter and food are met, you will be able to do that.

    Whatever it costs, if you can afford to do it, do it.

    Find an apartment over the internet near where J is now in California if you have to.

    We have done that in the past.

    It gave difficult child a little breathing room.

    And he did stand up for awhile there.

    Wishing well, Abbey.

  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm dumbfounded, Abbey.
  17. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    I really admire *YOU* for knowing your strength, and knowing you cannot go thru this. That takes so much courage!

    And, I really admire *Your husband* for knowing, too, he has to reach out again to his son. That takes a lot of courage, too, in the face of all he's seen so far.

    You are both in my heart.

  18. judi

    judi Active Member

    Abbey - I am so sorry for this further upheaval. I too am in the camp that as long as I'm alive, I won't give up on my son. It doesn't mean however, that I would allow him back home. I will support him elsewhere as long as he follows the general rules of society. It is hard...husband and I don't always agree either.
  19. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending very caring hugs and support your way. DDD
  20. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Abbey, I just saw this.

    I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I don't have any good advice, just wanted to tell you that I care and send you a hug.

    Love, Esther