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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 689846" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I am very happy to see you, New Leaf.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I would have too, Leafy. You are not single. You are widowed. To name you single denies you your life. What a deeply hurtful thing. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You have been brave, Leafy. I am so sorry this is happening. You will come through this.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is your healing imagery, Leafy.</p><p></p><p>The coach is you.</p><p></p><p>Can you envision what is it you need from him? Someone to hear you. Someone to hear the truama and confusion and not be afraid of the horror in it.</p><p></p><p>And someone who allows you to have and to honor your feelings and yourself.</p><p></p><p>What would you think of this coach if you stood beside and just behind him. </p><p></p><p>He is a bad coach.</p><p></p><p>He has no empathy and no compassion and he views you in ways that weaken you. </p><p></p><p>Take all the healing time you need, Leafy. The canoe is your canoe. It belongs to you. The paddle is yours, the water is yours, the strength is yours. </p><p></p><p>You could take the canoe out again. </p><p></p><p>You could stay on the ocean all night, navigating by the stars.</p><p></p><p>Tell him to shut up. </p><p></p><p>Then, tell him you require a witness. That you need validation, because this is a very hard time.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Listening to raw pain is the hardest thing. Very few of us can do it. We are all so camoflaged behind whatever roles work for us. Real pain, real grief, a forever loss, blasts us from role into real and leaves us nakedly vulnerable to the pain in our own lives. That is what people turn away from, I think. It's awkward as can be. It's like we've breached the social contract by revealing our pain and confusion instead of playing "nice".</p><p></p><p>With the kids, with the feelings around my family of origin issues, I always wished there were a mark of grief I could wear. An armband, maybe, or black clothing for one year, so people would know to be gentle with me. Those old traditions are very good things. I researched Hawaiian traditions for you, Leafy. I could not find some symbol of loss for you. Maybe, you would be able to know more about how the Hawaiians mark this time.</p><p></p><p>Or Kalahou. Maybe she will know.</p><p></p><p>One of the ways is a tattoo.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Have you found a Bereavement Support Group, Leafy? </p><p></p><p>I used to do Bereavement Support, for Hospice. Unless things have changed, the service is sponsored by Hospice and is without charge for those in bereavement.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.hospicehawaii.org/services/grief-and-support-groups/" target="_blank">http://www.hospicehawaii.org/services/grief-and-support-groups/</a></p><p></p><p>This is something I found having to do with bereavement. I listened to her for you to see whether she was only trying to dun up money, but there was good advice and no request for money.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.hawaiianmemorialparkmortuary.com/grief-and-healing/" target="_blank">http://www.hawaiianmemorialparkmortuary.com/grief-and-healing/</a></p><p></p><p>I was so glad to see that you'd posted to us, New Leaf.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 689846, member: 17461"] I am very happy to see you, New Leaf. I would have too, Leafy. You are not single. You are widowed. To name you single denies you your life. What a deeply hurtful thing. You have been brave, Leafy. I am so sorry this is happening. You will come through this. This is your healing imagery, Leafy. The coach is you. Can you envision what is it you need from him? Someone to hear you. Someone to hear the truama and confusion and not be afraid of the horror in it. And someone who allows you to have and to honor your feelings and yourself. What would you think of this coach if you stood beside and just behind him. He is a bad coach. He has no empathy and no compassion and he views you in ways that weaken you. Take all the healing time you need, Leafy. The canoe is your canoe. It belongs to you. The paddle is yours, the water is yours, the strength is yours. You could take the canoe out again. You could stay on the ocean all night, navigating by the stars. Tell him to shut up. Then, tell him you require a witness. That you need validation, because this is a very hard time. Listening to raw pain is the hardest thing. Very few of us can do it. We are all so camoflaged behind whatever roles work for us. Real pain, real grief, a forever loss, blasts us from role into real and leaves us nakedly vulnerable to the pain in our own lives. That is what people turn away from, I think. It's awkward as can be. It's like we've breached the social contract by revealing our pain and confusion instead of playing "nice". With the kids, with the feelings around my family of origin issues, I always wished there were a mark of grief I could wear. An armband, maybe, or black clothing for one year, so people would know to be gentle with me. Those old traditions are very good things. I researched Hawaiian traditions for you, Leafy. I could not find some symbol of loss for you. Maybe, you would be able to know more about how the Hawaiians mark this time. Or Kalahou. Maybe she will know. One of the ways is a tattoo. *** Have you found a Bereavement Support Group, Leafy? I used to do Bereavement Support, for Hospice. Unless things have changed, the service is sponsored by Hospice and is without charge for those in bereavement. [URL]http://www.hospicehawaii.org/services/grief-and-support-groups/[/URL] This is something I found having to do with bereavement. I listened to her for you to see whether she was only trying to dun up money, but there was good advice and no request for money. [URL]http://www.hawaiianmemorialparkmortuary.com/grief-and-healing/[/URL] I was so glad to see that you'd posted to us, New Leaf. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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