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grieving my son
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 98242" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>Know what I used to do?</p><p></p><p>Bury my face in a pillow and scream.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, I would have to pound the pillow really hard, first.</p><p></p><p>For some of us, the training to wear a pleasant expression and never allow a negative thought or feeling to take hold is so strong that we bury the feelings deep in our psyches where we never have to acknowledge them. But what happened to me when I did that is that I lost access to any of my other real feelings, too.</p><p></p><p>I was just...numb.</p><p></p><p>That is what I meant by becoming caricatures of who we thought we were. For me at least, it was like I chose every smallest action. Nothing was natural anymore. In burying my emotions, I lost confidence in my capacity to assess a situation correctly in a natural, easy way.</p><p></p><p>I had to fight very hard to win my trust in myself back.</p><p></p><p>If you are going to try to reach those emotions, discuss coping techniques with your counselor first, Stands.</p><p></p><p>If you are anything like me, the rage I had hidden from myself was so intense that I NEEDED someone to help me know what to do with it.</p><p></p><p>I think that for so many of us, the time you are going through now is our body's last attempt to get us to release those emotions. </p><p></p><p>I think many of us begin experiencing physical illnesses if these feelings are not dealt with.</p><p></p><p>I developed ulcers and asthma. husband lost patches of hair from his head and from his beard.</p><p></p><p>When the hair grew in again, it was pure white.</p><p></p><p>Anxiety attacks, utter loss of the capacity to cherish or take joy in myself ~ I don't know. There were so many horrible things happening during that time.</p><p></p><p>I would make a time to feel the feelings, do it, journal about it, and talk about what I did not understand with my therapist the next time I saw him (or her).</p><p></p><p>I was in therapy for a really long time. :bag:</p><p></p><p>But I would do it all again in a minute.</p><p></p><p>It just hurts so much when the numbness wears off and we see where life has taken us.</p><p></p><p>And where it has taken our children, no matter how hard we tried to save them.</p><p></p><p>You will make it, Stands.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 98242, member: 3353"] Know what I used to do? Bury my face in a pillow and scream. Sometimes, I would have to pound the pillow really hard, first. For some of us, the training to wear a pleasant expression and never allow a negative thought or feeling to take hold is so strong that we bury the feelings deep in our psyches where we never have to acknowledge them. But what happened to me when I did that is that I lost access to any of my other real feelings, too. I was just...numb. That is what I meant by becoming caricatures of who we thought we were. For me at least, it was like I chose every smallest action. Nothing was natural anymore. In burying my emotions, I lost confidence in my capacity to assess a situation correctly in a natural, easy way. I had to fight very hard to win my trust in myself back. If you are going to try to reach those emotions, discuss coping techniques with your counselor first, Stands. If you are anything like me, the rage I had hidden from myself was so intense that I NEEDED someone to help me know what to do with it. I think that for so many of us, the time you are going through now is our body's last attempt to get us to release those emotions. I think many of us begin experiencing physical illnesses if these feelings are not dealt with. I developed ulcers and asthma. husband lost patches of hair from his head and from his beard. When the hair grew in again, it was pure white. Anxiety attacks, utter loss of the capacity to cherish or take joy in myself ~ I don't know. There were so many horrible things happening during that time. I would make a time to feel the feelings, do it, journal about it, and talk about what I did not understand with my therapist the next time I saw him (or her). I was in therapy for a really long time. [img]:bag:[/img] But I would do it all again in a minute. It just hurts so much when the numbness wears off and we see where life has taken us. And where it has taken our children, no matter how hard we tried to save them. You will make it, Stands. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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