Vligrl - I am so sorry for these traumas. I wish I had a sure-fire answer for you. My difficult child's girlfriend committed suicide 2 months ago, and the grief is just indescribable. I've tried to make sure that I'm available for him, but then trying to balance that with not suffocating him - it's been really hard. I've listened, a lot. I've offered counseling/psychiatrist, but he's adamantly against all of that. My son is not good about asking for help, thinks it's a sign of weakness, but on the other hand he really has needed help.... I try to watch for signs that he needs to talk. He did come to me once when I missed the signs, so... I guess that's good.
I think that if he wants you to "let him be," that's okay - in moderation. Sometimes conversations with- thank you have been started because I'm struggling with my own grief for this stupid senseless loss - I think it's been helpful to let him see that I'm hurting too (the whole family is). It's given him an opportunity to talk. I have been careful about when I let him see my grief - try to time it so that it's on days that are okay for him, if that makes sense.
I've learned a lot of things about my son - not all great - in the last 2 months. I have withheld judgement on everything - his revelations, B's choice to commit suicide, just everything. I'm simply here to listen, to let him talk it out, to share a small part of his grief.
From a practical standpoint, I think your son needs to at least attempt going back to school. I made the mistake of okaying thank you dropping his summer classes. In hindsight, I shouldn't have, especially since school was the one place B hadn't been - everywhere else, including our home, is a reminder of her. Even if he had failed the classes, which would've been understandable, I think he should have had that some*thing* to do to keep him occupied. The first month or so, his friends really rallied, but just this afternoon we had a conversation about his anger that everyone else seems to be "moving on" - tomorrow will be 2 months since she died, and the anniversaries are a real bear.
We've talked a lot about grief - the stages, the fact that it doesn't come and then go, but it comes *and* goes, and comes and goes. We've talked about how grief is different for everyone, and the fact that death is not a subject most people are comfortable with and how people often say exactly the wrong thing when they're just struggling to say the right thing. My son has hit the anger stage and ... it's rough. He loves her, he misses her terribly, and he is incredibly angry that she did this. Honestly - I just take it hour by hour with him, let him know I'm here, and listen, listen, listen.
Also - sounds silly, but sleep and food. Got to make sure he's eating. Can't make him sleep, but do keep an eye on him. thank you's just starting to eat meaningfully again - I've kept the house stocked with- his favorites and also have gladly financed runs to various fast food joints - maybe not the healthiest choices, but no food versus junk food is an easy choice for me. I've talked to thank you several times about maybe seeing his regular MD for something to help him sleep - he won't do it. Again, maybe if I'd insisted he muddle through summer school it might have helped him keep a more normal sleep schedule. I don't know. I know he's up most nights, listening to music, I suspect looking at her pictures and keepsakes he has from her.
You also need to take care of you. I realized several days after B died that I hadn't eaten since I'd heard the news. You have to do your best to take care of you so that you can be there for your son. I think counseling is reasonable - for you, for your son, whoever will go. It's horrible to watch our kids go thru this, and we want to protect them and make it easy, but I think they have to do their own grief work, with as much support as they will allow us (and others) to give.
Gentle hugs to you - again, I'm so sorry.
