Grieving the simple things

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Carri, Apr 16, 2016.

  1. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    I miss my son. When I was visiting my dad at he nursing home today, his roommates grandsons were visiting him. They were in their early 30's, just like my boy. I just went to see a movie and can't help but notice all the young couples out doing normal things like going to movies. It's hard not knowing where my son is and accepting that he doesn't participate in life like typical people. He's so consumed with drugs that he's not enjoying everyday pleasures. I'd give anything to sit in a movie with him and share a good time together. I have to accept it for what it is, but that doesn't make it easier. I miss him in my life so much.
     
  2. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    I can understand your feelings I too miss the simple things with my son movies were a big part of our outings getting something to eat together playing a round of golf going to sporting events watching football it seems so far away seems everyone has a relationship with there child except me and it sucks so I feel your pain just know your not alone their way of thinking seems so strange but we can't change them only way is to change ourselves it helps but I guess we will always want what we don't have but simply knowing others suffer like you is a help stay strong I know how you feel
     
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  3. Completely Disturb

    Completely Disturb Which way do I go!

    I feel the same thing I really mis my son also he in rehab right now his third day and I'm praying that he ok he call me the first night i know he need time to get things together my son was on heroin and it hurt me more to look at him killing himself. I'm so glad he in rehab at least I know where he is for the next couple weeks is his second time in rehab. the last time he left the next day. This time I told him he cannot come back until he get it together job - and father figure he has kids they need a positive father figure in their lives or there will be some other man taken care of his kids and their mother! All you can do is keep them in prayer and keep up on the site here i have meet some really great support people here and I appreciate them some much in such a short time. Stand strong my friend...
     
  4. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    I miss her laugh - wide open mouth, down from the belly, full of joy and beautiful to see.
    I miss her good natured, humorous sarcasm - rightly inherited.
    I miss talking to her without second guessing every word that comes out of her mouth.
    I miss her intelligence and her hard work and how motivated she was.
    I miss the faces she would make the poses she would strike as soon as she saw a camera.
    I miss her. I hope someday she comes back, the real her comes back. Not this imposter who has taken over.
     
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  5. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

  6. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    oops, hit "post". Hi again Carri. The "what we miss" thread. There's so much, isn't there?
    This is so how many of us feel...expectations-the root of all pain-we get it. I fight hard here on this site, in my thoughts and in the daily grind just to not waste my life as he is wasting his. That child/parent knot gets so much tighter when they are not functioning. Ouch. My son doesn't want everyday pleasures as much as he wants his current lifestyle. His choice, but so hard for me to watch. My choice is to push those thoughts away after acknowledging them and go on...so there aren't TWO wasted lives.
    Thanks, Walrus. Yes, most of all I miss his "fun".
     
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  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Carri, I so understand your post. The grief is very real, it's as if our precious children have died, but we can't "move on" and truly deal with it, because in truth, they are still alive and self-destructing. I don't know what is worse.

    During the time I felt just like you describe, I realized I was grieving, the very real stages of grief, which are denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It helped me to identify where I was at any point in time, see myself cycling through the stages, often not "in order" and then realizing that i was not alone, that in fact many people were going through the same stages, and that somehow, someway, dealing with my grief and allowing it to come, and wash over me, was moving me forward to healing.

    It's so hard. It is the hardest and loneliest thing in the world to feel the pain of this, like we do on this forum.

    Please know we are here with you. And that there is hope, and that taking care of ourselves in a very strange and confusing way, is taking care of them.

    Warm hugs this morning.
     
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  8. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    I appreciate how no one on this site minimizes each other's feelings. Thank you for letting me share my hardships and chiming in to say how you can relate. It feels so good. What we as warrior parents feel is very real and typical parents often try to minimize things, fix things. They don't know any better. Lucky them!
     
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  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Carri, I too know how you feel. I am much better now than I used to be when I would see people my son's age living a more "conventional" life, or listening to co-workers or friends "brag" about their adult children.
    It is a grieving process for sure. I'm glad I allowed myself to work through those feelings and to let them go. It has allowed me to move on with my life.
    I still have moments but they are less frequent and I traverse them much more quickly now.
    I was thinking about my son a few days ago as he hasn't posted anything on FB for a couple of months. The thought that he could die and I would never know it always creeps into my mind, but again, I deal with that so much better now. I accept it for the reality that it is.
    Yes, we the warrior parents all have that part of our heart that know a pain like no other.
    ((HUGS)) to you................
     
  10. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I too can relate, Carri. I remember once sitting on the beach watching a father and his young son rough-house in the surf and bursting into tears at how wrong it all went, somehow, from when my husband and son had done that same rough-housing 15 years earlier. To me it is absolutely a grieving process for what we always assumed was just a given. All we can do is just somehow try, then try again the next time, to come to a place of no expectations. It's hard stuff.
     
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  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I learned this in therapy and it helps so I'll share. Although my kids (except Gineboy) are close to me, my puzzling disabilities and then my severe car accident make life hard very often and I find myself grieving often for the "normal" I can never have, such as having a good job and understanding how to do that job. I feel like an alien at times. When I do, I tap into my spiritual side and remind myself of, what I consider, true:

    "Every moment of my life has lead me to where I am today. It may not be where I wish to be right now, but it is supposed to be this way, right here, right now. Time will change things, but if I were not supposed th be right here, right now, I wouldnt be. So for this day, even if its hard, this is what is supposed to be based on every action that has ever happened. And if I just have patience, like all things in life, this too shall pass. Our lives, our feelings will change. Nothing is static."

    I hope this maybe helped and sure hope this did not offend. Remembering this helps me so much that I shared. If it bothers you...take anything you may like and leave the rest.

    Try to have a peaceful day. I am so sorry.
     
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  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I wonder sometimes, if parents of "typical" kids have similar feelings. Not the same, not by a long shot, but even if my son were a easy child, I'd still be wistful for those times when he was little and really needed me. I'd still miss my little boy and wonder where the time went. But the pain of knowing what he should have been - that would not be there.

    With our kids, though of course the problems vary by degree, there's so much more to miss. Right now it's prom season. My son was scoffing at the kids in their tuxes and evening dresses the other day...when I would give anything to have had that memory of my son. Graduation is next. Mine has his diploma, but refused to walk at the ceremony - so I never got to actually see him graduate. Sometimes I feel like he robbed me of more than a few housewares...he stole the few joys you are supposed to get in exchange for putting up with teenagers.

    There was a time when even a TV commercial could make me cry for the kid I should have had. I'm better now...but so much still makes me sad.

    When he's not around, I miss my son. When he is around - I still miss my son.
     
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  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Lil, one thing I learned from my four are that our dreams of fun Mom moments are not guaranteed. Even a typically wired kid may feel prom is a joke. I did. Ok, so I wasn't typical, but typical friends had no interest in prom either. Not all teens, even nice ones, care about these things. Jumper is the only kid of mine who went, and it WAS fun (she was prom queen) but prom is really for our kiddos, not us. If we enjoy it too, that's a bonus. But not all kids care about school activities and some who don't are perfectly normal.

    Graduation is also for them. My kids all went, but I refused to go. I was not proud of my school record [l struggled and did not think walking across a stage would be a proud moment so I sat it out. I was threatened if I didn't go. But nothing could make me. I hated school and 900 kids graduated with me (and my last name was at the end of the alphabet). Graduation was outdoors. It was 90 degrees. I wasn't going to do it. School had been a bad experience and a failure to me. I was not going. I felt no pride or sense of accomplishment.

    Until my diploma was mailed to me, my grandma didn't believe I'd graduated...lol.

    None of my kids finished four year college either. Not all kids go. I'm proud of my kids. They all have good jobs, especially Bart.I am very proud that Jumper is going to be a cop. I am proud of Sonics kitchen job. Princess is now an awesome stay at home mother. And I'm proud she became a certified Pastry Chef. But none did four years of college

    I don't find myself thinking about when my kids were young, although they were everything. I was a stay at home mom. I don't know if others do. After all, I have a granddaughter and grandson. I have them to baby now.

    Lil. I hope you feel better knowing that not all parents watch their kids do school functions that are fun for us. In some peer circles, things like prom aren't cool. Depends on the teen. Not all parents see prom. And not all care. Its very individual.

    Lil, if it helps, I do get your point though and I think having an only child makes it harder. All dreams we have live or die with that one kid.

    Sorry your heart hurts. You deserve so much happiness.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2016
  14. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'll agree on prom, but I have to disagree with you here. Graduation is every bit as much for the parents as it is the kids. (Kind of like funerals are for those left behind. lol) My parents went to my high school and college graduations. My father went to my law school, as my mother had passed away. You can see in their photos how proud they felt of me in those moments. I can only imagine that feeling.

    I couldn't care less that my son didn't go to college - though I wish he would have just not gone instead of costing us a bunch of money.

    I just wish I had a few proud moments to look back on.
     
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  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Lil...I get it.

    As for graduation, I can understand parents being proud of watching an achiever graduate. I had a C/D average and my parents weren't proud and I was ashamed. They wanted me to go because how would they explain it if I didnt? Not all parents are proud of those little things. And not all kids, and I was a d c, are going to do things just to please their parents or to make their parents more comfortable.

    On the plus side my parents got ro see my brother be valevectorian in high school, graduate with honors from college and high honors for his Masters. And my sister got a bachelors.

    I was the one who deprived them of pleasure.

    Of course, they were not loving and endlessly caring parents like you and Jab are either. If I'd had parents like you two, I probably would have gone to make you two happy. I wish id had parents like
    you are. I was not coldhearted. If my parents had been nice to me, I would have happily reciprocated.
     
  16. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    :hugs: Everyone should have good parents. Those who don't, yet turn out just fine, like you, make me wonder about our kids even more.
     
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  17. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Yes, that's hard. I too missed my son's graduation, as he thought the ceremony was *stupid* and left early to go on a long hike.

    I once took care of a woman at the end of her life. She had 2 sons, one a surgeon and one a dermatologist. They both visited her daily in the hospital and were quite loving toward her. When her nurses would point out how proud she must be, she nodded and smiled.

    One day I was sitting with her, rubbing her back and chatting, and she told me that she wasn't comfortable with her feelings, and she did not feel very proud of them. But she felt a great deal of resentment toward her sons. She had plans for her life too, and she had sacrificed much for her boys. Her dreams had been put on the back burner, and now it was too late.

    It's easy to think "Wow, *I* should have such problems"...but her feelings of regret and resentment were no less real than the feelings we have.

    Then I think of Recovering Enabler, and her story about her heart swelling with pride when she overheard her daughter teaching a friend how to play the guitar; her way of making the young man feel at ease and her patience and encouragement. A little thing, but an insight into her daughter's true character. Something to be proud of.

    I have a few of those moments as well, such as when my son stood up to a bully teacher, not to defend himself but to defend a friend. Or the time my 5-year-old daughter remembered to let the birthday boy be the one to break the pinata.

    I think that has become my new goal, to take comfort in what we DO have. Like Pasajes says, expectations = disappointment, but we all have those little things, those moments of insight into who they are underneath all the "hard" stuff, that we can fall back on when we start to grieve what we feel *should have* been.
     
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  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Lil, go back, read your posts. Start writing your own "brag book".

    Like... your son hearing the smoke detector go off, and waking up everyone else in the building so that everybody got out safely. Lil, that's a hero. Not a news-breaking hero, but a hero. The person in the apartment where the fire started, would likely not have made it.

    Cherish the small moments. These are hints as to who your son can become. And to me, these are worth way more than "grad ceremonies" and sheets of paper.
     
  19. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Sorry all, I'm just feeling a little down and not terribly optimistic today.
     
  20. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hugs.
    We all have days/weeks/months like that too.
    I'm in the same book these days.
     
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