Growing and changing a lot even at my age

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, May 7, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I talk to my Dad a lot now and yesterday he brought up "them" and said "time will take care of it. Let me see if I can---" I cut him off and said, "No, please." He was quiet. I know what he was going to say. He likes me and my siblings in contact and it hurts me that he has to be this old and see this. I just said, gently, "Dad, honestly, I don't know who ended it this time. I think it was me. She thinks it was her. But it doesn't matter who did it. It is for the best." As I said it, my stomach lurched a little. It seems a long time to do "never" as in never see my siblings again, especially my sister who I shared some good laughs with. But I know it has never worked out and she thinks horrible things about me that will not change what I think will not change and it is for the best. If nothing else, I never again want to hear about her screwed up love life. I did my part to try to sooth and advise her and I'm done being codependent with that...too tired.

    The best is often painful. In the past I suspect he has had a hand in Sis coiming back because I never was the one who came back. I was always willing to let to let her go. And I was always the one to take her back and forgive on her terms.But my terms matter too now.

    I can't do that anymre. "No, Dad, this isn't going to resolve with time," I said, quietly. "I'm not angry. It is for the best for me. And she must feel it is the best for her. Let it go."

    I have been doing a lot of reading about people who were disowned by family, left family, dumped their parents, dumped their siblings, and just plain haven't seen their family, or certain members, for forty years. It is NOT uncomon. I didn't know that. I have no idea why I thought our dysfunctional family was so different from other ones. They are the same...blamers, blamees, cut offs, reconciliations that don't last, love/hate, and actually the new thinking says that family is expendable. Many peple who never expected it, lose their family. It's interesting as a topic.

    Often the one who was left has no idea why. "I was so close to my daughter and one day she told me not to ever contact her again." So it can happen to anybody and they may not even know why.

    Our society has changed. I don't know if this is bad. Before, people were beholden to family even if they were treated like cow manure. I'm not sure it's good. People lleave now over because of questionable "narcissistic" traits diagnosed by those not qualified to do so.

    One thing I did right, which is unusual, is to make another GOOD family. Many people from dysfunctional homes keep on choosing abusive partners who can not love them. I was spared that. I did it the first time, but was mindful of not doing that again. And my first husband DID love was just a bad match.

    Just a few thoughts. When I get on a topic, I tend to research it until nothing is left of it :)

    Have a good day! Sunny and gorgeous here and excited about going to Chicago this weekend for Mother's Day! Chef daughter is cooking me a meal. I didn't ask her to nor expect it. I can feel my stomach expanding already! I get to see the babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

    Take care, all!
    Last edited: May 7, 2015