Grrr...

[tiredmommy]

I need to complain about this privately, sorry in advance.Duckie just had her big Orchestra concert last night. She is viola chair 1 inthe elementary orchestra and so she had the honor of being in the 1st row withthe chair 1 high schooler for the combined 5th through 12th grade orchestra. It's quite a big deal and, in my humble opinion, she's earned itwith all the hard work she's put into her lessons and practicing.
I even tell her that she doesn't have to be as talented asthe other kids, she just needs to work harder.
So, last night, a lot of the kids and (and a few parentstoo) made cracks that Duckie was "lucky" or it wasn't"fair" that Duckie was seated where she was... it's ****. Duckieworked harder and EARNED this; it was not a gift. It's amazing how lucky one is with a little elbow grease.

 

[Wiped Out]

TM-I'm sorry you had to hear that. Really, I think it's jealousy on their part and it's the easy way out to explain why they (or their kids) aren't sitting in the first chair.

Three cheers for Duckie!!!

 

[busywend]

Her first of many experiences with jealousy, I'm afraid. Poor thing....they should have been congratulating her!

 

[tiredmommy]

Thanks... it just burns my toast, you know?

 

[DDD]

It seems like it might be a good idea to come up for a brief response she can use if others comment again. Something short, sweet, truthful....and appropriate. I think that kids need to be forearmed so they don't end up "defending" themselves when there is nothing to defend. I'm under the weather this week so I have no phrase this AM but I'll think about it and maybe the family will too. Hugs. DDD

 

[tiredmommy]

I told her a simple "thank you" or "Gee, I guess I am lucky" would be good responses, but that she's to know that her dedication and hard work earned her this honor. Frankly, I don't think others will see that her practicing 5+ days a week for an average of 30 minutes a day will have paved the road to her good fortune.

 

[hearts and roses]

I would want to create some snarky, informative comeback...but we're the parents and we're supposed to help our kids take the higher road, revel in their own greatness without being boastful and all that jazz!

How about, "Wow, thanks! I am sure luck has nothing to do with it, but thank you!" and walk away. See? It's morning, I'm peeved about it too, so I just can't come up with anything easy child.

 

[JJJ]

"Thank you! I am so lucky to be blessed with a child that works so hard at this. She practices every day without me having to ever remind her."

 

[trinityroyal]

First off, Wow! What a wonderful accomplishment for Duckie. It's true what they say about music performance: It's 10% inspiration, 90% perspiration. And clearly she's put in the 90% and then some.

As for the snarky comments, you are perfectly right to be offended by them. I really like JJJ's comment, as it puts the emphasis on Duckie's hard work and dedication to the art rather than on some mysterious hand of fate that just plucked her out of the crowd. As pretty, talented and dedicated as Duckie is, I don't think this is the last time that she'll have to put up with comments such as these. People who aren't willing to put in the work like to dismiss others' achievements as luck. Best to learn to deal with them effectively now, so that they don't tarnish her bright light later.

Maybe Duckie can say something with a similar tone to JJJ's suggestion. Something like, "Yup. Luck, plus practicing 2 hours every day."

 

[muttmeister]

Something like, "Yup. Luck, plus practicing 2 hours every day."

I agree that if they said this in my hearing distance, I wouldn't let it pass. I wouldn't get mad or give them a lecture or say too much, but something like this is perfect. Too many people are afraid to speak up these days. We need to be role models by letting our kids see that you don't have to start a war just to stand up for yourself.

 

[tiredmommy]

Well, ***I*** would have set anyone straight if I were 11 and in Duckie's shoes, but I'm not Duckie. I did tell many parents last night that Duckie just loves it and willingly practices almost every day (with a sickly and earnest "proud mom" smile on my face). But Duckie? She won't want a conflict with the other kids, even if she is right. Besides, she's decided she's in a better position next year if they go on thinking it's luck rather than hard work.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Besides, she's decided she's in a better position next year if they go on thinking it's luck rather than hard work

Hey Duckie - you're MY kinda kid... the kind that my almost easy child daughter would relate to.

 

[keista]

Congrats to Duckie!

Sour grapes on behalf of the others. Seriously, this isn't the first time this has happened (play auditions of some sort?) and it won't be the last. I think Duckie has a great attitude.

 

[tiredmommy]

Well, Duckie is an almost easy child. With some ODD and an artistic temperment thrown in. Oh, and don't forget the only child syndrome....

"There once was a girl who had a little curl..."

 

[tiredmommy]

I think her attitude is appropriate too. I'm more upset with the adults. I wouldn't dream of passing off someone else's hard work as mere luck and I would address it with Duckie if I thought she was doing it. That's what parents are supposed to do. What you get out of an activity is almost always directly proportional to what you put into the activity.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Well, Duckie is an almost easy child. With some ODD and an artistic temperment thrown in. Oh, and don't forget the only child syndrome....

"There once was a girl who had a little curl..."

TM - no, you're describing MY daughter... and she isn't even an only child. I think it's more "artistic temperment"...

 

[trinityroyal]

I think her attitude is appropriate too. I'm more upset with the adults.

If I had a nickel for every Stage Mom or Sports Dad (or Stage Dad and Sports Mom, for that matter) I've run into over the years I wouldn't need to win the Megamillions draw. Sigh...
This is what happens when parents try to live their dreams vicariously through their children.

I remember years ago in Little easy child's first season of basketball, there was a shy, willowy little boy who used to wander around the sidelines and who would cringe anytime the ball came near him. I was chatting with his mom one morning. In addition to grumping at me for being the mom of the "kid who's scoring all the baskets", she said that she always dreamed of having a child who was a jock, kept enrolling her little lad into sports of all kinds, and wouldn't even let him try music or art or any other activities. I'm sure that little boy will have plenty to talk about with his therapist later.

Duckie has a wonderful attitude, and it will help her to deal with whatever stage moms and jealous girls she encounters as she goes on.

 

[recoveringenabler]

You did a great job in supporting Duckie and she did a great job in her accomplishments. Bravo to both of you!

When my daughter was growing up, before she went down the difficult child road, having remembered what it was like growing up myself with various jealousies from other girls, mean comments others make, how envy shows up so often, especially when a child is talented in something...............I told my daughter that when others make those mean comments or might, as she got older, call her "the b word" (as girls are inclined to do) that one way she could look at it was that underneath the words, what they were really saying is "wow, you are powerful or talented, or beautiful, or whatever," and she could simply say "thanks" and leave it at that, knowing the underlying message was that they were jealous/envious of her in some fashion and this is how jealousy often comes out. Later in life, she told me that that really helped her to see it differently and to not take it personally, to realize that those disparaging remarks were really about the person saying them and usually had nothing to do with her. Now I hear the statement a lot, "what you think of me is none of my business." I think that statement just about covers it.

 

[Tiapet]

You have a wonderful daughter! Enough said!

 

[buddy]

congrats to Duckie!!!

I remember hearing about a study that looked at girls vs. boys....it said that when kids are asked when young they say girls are smarter than boys, that they learn faster etc... somewhere by 3rd grade or so girls start thinking differently, they will even say they got lucky on a test .... even if they studied hard and got perfect papers.

That always stuck with me.... I love the combacks that emphasize the reality of it... she worked hard.

When I was in high school I was chosen as an assistant dance teacher. I had only been in the dance troupe for two years and others who wanted the job had been in longer. I HAD been in the school for the same amount of time, just that I took other types of dance. I worked great with little kids and THAT is what they needed, I was respectful and mature for my age. I got the job and was treated like dung by several other girls. One finally told me off. Said I didn't deserve it, etc. I simply said I didnt even know anyone else wanted the job. I was called at home and offered the job because I was nice to other kids. WHen they said they had been there longer, I simply corrected them. OH. they just walked away and it was the first time (I still have trouble doing it) I really stood up for myself. I didn't cry or fall apart. Just told it as it was. I wish I could give every kid, girls especially the confidence to feel they deserve what they are given. What they earn.

I have become so fond of Duckie over these months... all you say about her and how she pushes through so much. She sounds like a truly amazing kid who is going to have a really special place in this world.