Grrrr, difficult child, back to her old tricks!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Mar 8, 2013.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I am seething. So angry at difficult child.

    Apparently, she has been spending time with an old friend, boyfriend. She claims she's not 'doing' anything, they are just talking and have an understanding that they are just friends.

    Well now, that may be her plan, but this guy has always had designs on difficult child. Remember Monkeyboy? Well, this guy is a runner up to Monkeyboy. They diddled about a year or so before difficult child even met E but after Monkeyboy, which was almost 5 years ago. It was short lived. For difficult child, he was someone who provided booze and weed. Use your imagination to understand what she provided for him. Gag.

    So four+ years passes, she's engaged to E. This loser had a girlfriend who had a baby but they broke up. Then he began trying to contact difficult child and she accepted his calls...and hanging out with him. I thought it was only twice.

    Apparently, it's been more frequent than that. E told me today that he is actually seeing a therapist to help get over his insecurity over difficult child spending time with this dude. E said she hung out with the loser THREE times last week! E has told her he would prefer if she didn't but she jumps down his throat. I should say that she is in a little mania right now and quit taking her medications cold turkey.

    E says he would never leave her or give her an ultimatum but he's always nauseous just thinking about it. He also snooped on her cell and saw that the dude suggested difficult child tell E that he was gay so she could sleep over! Omg, E said he wanted to put the kid through a wall! But he doesn't want to upset difficult child! What?!

    Anyway, here I am planning a wedding and she's out galavanting with this loser! I want to say something to her, but E asked me not to, so for now, I'm keeping quiet. But...I am not putting any deposits down on anything. I'm so disappointed that she could be so cavalier with E's heart. Obviously, she is not ready to get married, though she says she is. Right.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I can not think of any comforting words H&R. Dealing with difficult child's sometimes puts me at an actual loss. I have not faced this situation but I sure think you're wise not to lay down a dollar in anticipation of a traditional wedding. Sigh.
    Geez, I am sorry my friend. DDD
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    DDD, I just want to throttle her.
  4. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    She is either already cheating on E or very close. Is E's therapist advising him to "not upset" difficult child?? E must be a nice guy, but he'd better be careful.

    What if E suggested that he join difficult child the next time she plans to "hang out" with that guy? If she balks, she's clearly hiding something. If I was engaged, I would want to hang out with my fiancee and my old friends, but under no circumstances would I hang out alone with an old flame. No fiance should sit idly by while their intended is on a date with an old boyfriend. Poor E has to grow a spine or he will be put through the wringer the rest of their lives. Sounds terribly unfair to me, but you also mentioned she stopped her medications, so she may be acting inappropriately due to that and E is just exercising patience.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    H&R, yikes, I don't know what to say...............I am sorry, this has got to be a shocker for you and you must also feel disappointed. No, it sure doesn't appear that she is ready to get married. Those two need marriage counseling or to break up, this is not how you treat someone you love and respect. It would be difficult for me to be silent about it. Hang in there and let us know how it goes............
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    She had them meet once about two weeks ago. E told her that he still didn't feel comfortable with her hanging out with him alone but she insists there is nothing going on. in my opinion, it doesn't matter. Out of respect for E, she should only hang out with this guy if E is there or in a group setting.

    E doesn't want to give her an ultimatum...he is so insecure about losing her that he will just be upset and not say anything. However, after some prompting from me, he did say he would speak with her tonight. I'll find out tomorrow if anything good came out of it. I'm hoping!
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Personally to me it sounds very difficult child and difficult child's don't do well with commitments in general. If this were me, they'd have to pay for their own wedding, which I wouldn't believe would lead to a long, happy marriage, or go to a Justice of the Peace. If she won't stop seeing other guys, even though she's engaged and even if nothing is going on, E. is going to end it eventually. Or she will. Just hope they don't have any children.

    Wish I could sound more positive, but I see stuff like this all the time here. Try to detach. E. is an adult and you can't change your difficult child or E. You can see the train coming (can't we all?) but you can't stop the wreck.

    I am so sorry she is behaving in such a disappointing way, but it has nothing to do with you. Just hang onto your pennies. This E. doesn't sound too mature or all that "right" either. Isn't he the one still living with his strange mother? Putting up with her disregard of his feelings isn't healthy either. Of course, usually difficult children attract other difficult children.

    Here's a big hug and hoping that this is not how it seems.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    You're dead on MWM, he is a difficult child as well. I know it's not me or my fault and that it's between them. Just pisses me off.

    A difficult child, like a leopard, never changes her spots.
  9. gsingjane

    gsingjane New Member

    Good morning - we haven't "met" here yet - I have a difficult child who is a compulsive thief and also has serious medical problems, and we are trying to cope with that!

    Gosh, I really can understand your fear here - especially because, if your difficult child gets married to E, possibly a child or children are in the future, and how will they cope when their parents' marriage has such a shaky foundation? It definitely sounds as if your difficult child is starting to get "cold feet," and even though it will be disappointing for the wedding not to happen, when it's been such a source of happy planning, it's certainly better not to go through with it than to forge ahead and have things disintegrate shortly thereafter.

    I do feel sorry for E too! He probably didn't see this coming and doesn't know what to do... what a pickle for all of you!
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hi Jane! Nice to meet you!!!
  11. gsingjane

    gsingjane New Member

    Same here... nice to meet you... sorry this had to be the place!
  12. H&R - I don't have much more to add. Everyone here is right, E is a big boy and needs to address this with difficult child himself. You have every right to be furious with her - it looks like she is preparing to throw away a man who has been good, kind and patient with her for a loser who probably just wants to party.

    Ugh. Hoping you're wrong and this all works out for the best.
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I spoke with E this morning. He chickened out and hasn't addressed it with difficult child yet. His stomach is in knots but he said he doesn't want to upset HER!!!

    I told him he better say/do something ASAP...I'm not putting any more money into a wedding celebration until he does.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh Jo....Hey about not upsetting you and your kids?

    I understand what her medications could be doing but really she shouldnt be doing this. Its playing with fire.
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I agree Janet----it's not so much the lack of medications as difficult child getting antsy because she isn't getting that 'charge' .
  16. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I want to throttle her, too! Wrong, wrong, wrong.....she is just wrong. Period. Poor E. The stomach in knots is awful to go through. I think you are smart not to put any deposits down. Sigh.
  17. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    easy child took difficult child out to dinner last night under the guise of discussing wedding plans. After only a few minutes of chit chat, difficult child began talking about her 'friend' who was going through the courts to get visitation rights to see his daughter, etc. easy child asked difficult child more without being too pushy and difficult child said she likes hanging out with is guy because she can talk to him and they are just friends. easy child told difficult child that it's E she should be talking to, to strengthen their bond, grow together, etc.

    easy child said she went all 'big sister' on her, lol. She said that difficult child even became choked up at one point and declared that E is still the most important person in her life and she loves him and wants to get married...but that she should be able to a close friend. easy child said that's true, but right now your focus should be on wedding planning, saving money, and finding your own place to live...consider the friends she already has in her life. Discussing her life plans and stressors with this other guy is disrespectful to E and their relationship. easy child said that she also told difficult child that she needs to out loud reiterate her commitment to E by saying it directly to the exbf and then stop hanging out with him. difficult child said she knows.

    While difficult child and easy child are not very close, difficult child has always looked up to easy child, so hopefully she will take what easy child said and use it as food for thought...and speak with E. easy child told her, "I get it, I do, but you really need to get your act together and figure out what is important to you and then make a plan for yourself...and stop smoking so much goddammed pot!" hahhaa, amen, easy child, amen.

    Thank you for your support...I hope this helps difficult child get it together before it's too late.
  18. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    What a wonderful easy child you have. I'm so hoping difficult child takes easy child's good advice to heart. The fact that the advice didn't sound forced and didn't come from you is probably better, too.
  19. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I agree! I'm so very happy and proud that she stepped up and did this for her sister!

    I saw difficult child this afternoon briefly and she seemed a bit subdued.