Grrrrrr......Eeyore stole again!!!

[JJJ]

Eeyore stole money from us again!

I rarely carry cash because of his sticky fingers but I had $50 because I am going to a cash only clearance sale this morning. It is gone. When I called husband to make sure he had not taken it, he said Eeyore stole money out of his wallet this morning too.

I went up to the school to see if I could get it back before he spent it all at lunch. Nope, he took it yesterday when I was sick and spent it all. He was mad that I thought he should have consequences. I was so ticked off and told him that it my stuff was not safe with him living in my house, that he had less than a year to find somewhere else to live because I would not allow a thief to live in my house once he turns 18.

I feel a little bad for his girlfriend as he is going to have to get back the shirt he bought her as well as he now has no money for flowers for the dance tomorrow. I am still (as of now) letting him go to the dance because his girlfriend is too shy to go without a date and she has not done anything wrong.

He claims that it is my fault he stole because I don't trust him and I don't give him enough money. AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!

 

[TeDo]

Oh yea, I would be fuming! I am so sorry. Good girlfriend or not, there is no way in h*** I would allow my kid to go to a dance. I understand your reasoning but that's not something I would do. I am so glad I don't have that problem.......yet.

 

[AnnieO]

GRRRRRR! Even during her worst days Onyxx stayed out of my wallet! Of course, I never had much cash AND she knew I checked my credit cards frequently. husband, on the other hand... Yeah.

I guess at least you have the consolation of him being honest with you???

 

[JJJ]

Tedo -- I am not allowing him to go to the football game or any after-dance parties; his girlfriends self-esteem is so shaky (she is struggling badly with depression and anxiety) that I am afraid of pushing her over the edge when she has been trying so hard.

Step -- no, he lied through his teeth yesterday about where the stuff had come from, I was just too sick to process it; I did not ask him today if he stole it, I just demanded it back and he cracked.

husband said I should be more careful when I have cash. NO! I should not have to be careful in my own house. Yes, I normally am but HE NEEDS TO STOP STEALING.

 

[AnnieO]

husband said I should be more careful when I have cash. NO! I should not have to be careful in my own house. Yes, I normally am but HE NEEDS TO STOP STEALING.

You are absolutely right! Your home. Your stuff. NOT HIS.

I missed that he had lied about it. Sigh... Normally our Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids don't lie worth squat, but being sick - I can see not catching it!

 

[allhaileris]

I'm glad you're letting him go to the dance for the sake of his girlfriend, that's very thoughtful of you. Maybe you can buy her a flower and give it to him to give to her at the last minute. I agree she shouldn't be punished because of his actions. Maybe he can work off the money for the flowers? And I say this because all the time I feel "punished" for both daughter's and husband's actions. All. The. Time.

My daughter took my CC out of my wallet to try to buy this doll game thing on the computer. Thankfully she didn't know what the "exp" was, but I'm sure it won't take long. I really fear actions like what Eeyore did!

The kid wants something, but then steals money for it. So then he has to be punished, and I'm sure you're less likely to want to buy him anything because of the punishment, and then he steals again to make up for not having money because he's being punished. It's like a vicious circle!! Does he get an allowance? Does he work in any way to earn money? How much money does he think he needs? Lunch money, a little extra a week for "stuff". But if he has a girlfriend, obviously he wants more so he can do things with her. It seems like if he wants to have money, he should have a job (and I'm not sure if he's the kind of kid that can handle it, but he could try). That whole if you are adult enough to have a girlfriend, then you can earn your own money to enjoy time with her. He'll need a job when he hits 18 anyway, why not start now and have time to flounder a little before it's essential.

 

[JJJ]

Sandy,

He gets an allowance based on his grades. He only puts in minimal effort so he barely earned $5/week (he has the option to earn up to $15/week but he does not because he refuses to study or do homework). He can do extra chores to earn another $5/week (does sometimes) plus we "hire" him to mow the lawn (which he does)and we offer extra if he weeds the landscaping (did halfway, once). He will be in the job co-op program next year but I do not think he earns money the first year but it can end in a paid job if he doesn't blow it.

We have a savings system for him and he had access to $25--all he had to do was ask. But he was saving that for something so he stole for what he wanted right now. Absolute entitlement.

I have now taken the money he had saved plus the things he bought recently. So he is back to zero.

 

[Bunny]

I would be fuming if that happened here. You have more patience that I do, I think. I'm glad that you took what money he had and what he bought. I wish I had an aswer for you. I agree with you, thought, that you should not have to be careful with your things in your own home.

 

[TerryJ2]

OOOhhh boy, does THAT sound familiar!
We've gone through that for years, and it was exaggerated when difficult child used drugs.
I think we've got a handle on it now, as a combination between his lithium, his Concerta, his upcoming court date, and who knows what, maybe maturity?

In addition to taking his allowance, I would start selling difficult child's things right now. If he's like my difficult child, he may not "get" it when it comes to money. What does he have that you can sell? If he is too angry or violent, then don't let him watch you ... just give him the ebay printout.

Just a thought. He clearly can't handle living on his own so this will be a lesson learned in the meantime.

 

[DDD]

been there done that..........H A T E it! Sending hugs of support to you. DDD

 

[Wiped Out]

Yeah, I would be really upset about it! Sounds like you are dealing with it well. My difficult child doesn't steal from our wallets (mostly we just never have cash-lol) but thinks nothing of stealing any and all change he finds in the house including that on our dressers and husband's coins that he keeps hoping to buy something with it someday (he needs to change the hiding spot).

 

[TerryJ2]

P.S. Even thought our difficult child supposedly is over that stage, I still sleep with-my purse.

 

[Liahona]

Funny how Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) logic is. I could hear that coming from a few mouths around here. "Its your fault I stole because you wouldn't give me the money."

 

[JJJ]

Yep, his logic was that he had $50 in his account so it wasn't really stealing. I stressed how hurt I was and how upset I was that I had to start locking everything up again when we had only recently relaxed. I also stressed how his distorted logic showed that it was not safe to let him drive or get a job because if he used that logic on the road or with his works money, he would be arrested.

He was in front of the school as ordered. He did express remorse for making "another stupid decision that cost me everything" His girlfriend backed me up and expressed her disappointment as well.

 

[Liahona]

Money is such a huge issue and seems to amplify any and all weird/distorted thought patterns. And the money issue doesn't go away. It just gets bigger as they get older. I'm having to deal with that with husband right now. He didn't get it as a teen so now he is having to learn it as an adult; with bigger consequences. And he doesn't understand the emotional component of money. The betrayal, frustration, fear, ect... that I feel that are also part of the consequences of his actions.

Hope you can get through to Eeyore. If you do please tell me how you did it! I'm facing and will face similar situations with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) people.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Sounds like the girlfriend is a positive factor...

 

[lovelyboy]

So sorry about this!
Its so sadening when we thought things are going better and then the disappointment again! Know the feeling!
I like the idea that he realized he made a bad choice! I might even amplify this thought...go through the basics regarding making choices AGAIN! Even visual printout showing the decision process? That helps to take the pain out of " him being bad" and put highlight on his inabbility to self contol and then it gives him a goal to work on? Empowering him a bit?

 

[susiestar]

I honestly think you might do more to stop this by selling his possessions instead of taking the $ from his account. I completely understand your thoughts as to why you took his $$, and I would probably have done that also. But selling a game or game system or movie or possession of HIS will make a MUCH bigger impact on him than losing any amt of cash/savings will.

When I was at my wit's end with Wiz' stealing and I took his items and pawned them for the $ he stole from me plus an equal amt as the penalty for the emotional cost of the betrayal of having been stolen from, it hit him hard. Partly because I gave no warning, and I did it with-o telling him. His stuff just disappeared and there was a pawn ticket on the fridge. He was majorly unhappy that his belongings were 'violated' and finally it got through (a few days later) that I felt exactly the same way when my $ disappeared from my wallet.

My kids know that if they steal they replace double the price of the item. If it is an item, like a pack of gum, they don't get the gum. Something that would be used up like gum or candy they don't get again for months and when they ask for some, they have to tell me why I won't buy it for them. THey have to go to the store and pay the cost of the item times 2 because just paying for the item simply didn't make ANY impact.

I STRONGLY STRONGLY STRONGLY suggest reading or rereading "Parenting your Teen with Love and Logic" because the methods in that made an absolute impression on my kids, esp on Wiz' Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) thought processes. I also know several families here with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids who had excellent results using those methods.

 

[DammitJanet]

As you probably will remember I can so sorely understand this post. Cory started stealing from me as a teen. I obviously didnt break him of it well and should have been much more severe in my consequences because at 21 I had to come down extremely hard in a way no parent ever wants to do. I charged him with 3 felonies when he forged 3 checks from me on his 21st birthday so he could have a really nice birthday on my dime. Whats so dumb is that if he had just waited until I got home I would have probably have given him a couple of hundred bucks to go have a party with. Not the amount he took but something. Sadly my plan was to buy him a scooter that cost as much as he stole but he made that impossible. He really messed up his life and ruined anything good I could have done for him. He felt jealous because I had given Jamie a grand to pay off a truck Cory had bought from Jamie but never paid off. I paid it off because it was really a stupid deal that Jamie, Cory and I got into without thinking things through very well. It was really all our fault but I wanted the debt off of Jamie when he was just having Hailie and I could do it at that moment. Really long story.

So Cory ended up in big time trouble that momma couldnt fix this time. He still carries the label of felon now. Not pretty. He is trying to turn his life around but now he has to realize that he broke our trust and it has taken a long time to slowly build it back. He is trying hard. Every time he is so much as a day late on something or isnt where he says he is, our hearts sink. He hasnt stolen a dime from us again. Surprisingly to me, Tony let him borrow his truck this past week because Cory's is in the shop. Cory has brought that sucker home to his house every night and it doesnt move. Cory knows if we drive by his house and see it out on the road we will take it back and he wont be able to get to work. He is afraid to mess up. We went to his house tonight to pick up the truck and no one was home but the truck was there with the appropriate amount of gas in it...lol. In fact, Cory called me on Thursday night on the way home from work to ask if he should come by the house so I could take him home but I was sick and no one else was here. We made the arrangements for us to go get it "sometime Friday".

 

[klmno]

JJJ, I think you have done the right thing and have handled this best. I don't think his stealing has anything to do with you not giving him enough- I've heard this for 6 1/2 years about E, too. I'm sure between what was available in savings, what Eeyore could have earned, and what you would have made some allowances for if he'd come to you well beforehand and asked for (a way to earn more, an advance on allowance, or whatever) that he could have gotten this in an appropriate way. I support you 100%- hold firm on that boundary!

I like Susie's idea too- about him having to sell something of his to cover the cost!