Grrrrrrrrr!!!! Snarl, snarl

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Apr 8, 2007.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Why is it that now that my own difficult child's are doing okay, I have to deal with someone else's difficult child??? :grrr:

    Easter is going along great. Actually, I figured we were pretty much done with the day. I visited the kids, we went to mother in law's. I was putting supper on.... (no big easter dinner here) for husband, T and myself. easy child is at her mother in law's. And N and b/f were supposed to be going to his grandparents house.

    Out of the blue they show up here. Since they don't get out of the car, both husband and I know they're fighting again. Goody. I ignore it as it isn't in my face. boyfriend had complained earlier that the baby had kept him up last night due to her cold. (gee, N's been up with her all week) So I figure he's probably in a bad mood and decided to dish out more of his crap to N.

    boyfriend comes inside a bit later without N. This is an old ply of his where I'm supposed to ask him what's wrong. Whereby he tells me how bad N is, and I'm supposed to go out and convince her to either come inside or agree to with boyfriend. (in other words convince her boyfriend is right and she's wrong) I flat out ignore him.

    by the way boyfriend doesn't seem the least bit upset, even manages a smile and polite conversation with T. Meanwhile N and baby are in the car.

    boyfriend manages to make his way back outside after deciding I'm not taking the bait. Not long after, husband blows a gasket because both kids take off down the alley and leave the baby in the car. I go out and retreive the baby. Livid myself. :nonono:

    husband monitors the situation via the livingroom window. Tells N I have the baby when the kids return to the car a few mins later. Proceeds to describe to me how N is sitting up against the car while b/f is reaming her and she's crying. Next thing we know she's inside swiping tears and taking the baby.

    As I said before, I was livid. So the second she was inside I asked her what the H#ll he was reaming her for this time? And what were they thinking taking off down the alley leaving the baby alone in the car?? (I know I should've kept my mouth shut) She said nothing. So I flat out and told her she needs to learn to rip the jerk a new @sshole when he acts like this.

    They of course left. I'm assuming all is well in b/f's world now that he got to knock N into the gutter once again and she's once again docile and agreeable. So evidently they're now on their way to his grandparents.

    I was so hoping he'd put her down in front of me this time. I was going to let him have it both barrels no holds barred. :grrr: I'm so fed up with this boy's dramatics it makes me physically ill.

    I'll never understand why N is taking this crap from him. It has to be love. He isn't by far the first boy she's dated. Any of them try this sort of thing and they'd wish they weren't born. It wouldn't occur to her to take this sort of crap from anyone else.

    We're going to have a serious discussion when they get home this evening. Putting the baby in the middle is crossing a line I won't let either of them cross. :nonono:

    Although baby was perfectly safe this time. husband could see her from the window and the kids were just down the alley, maybe a half a block. But what about next time? Or other times we may not know about.

    I think I'll be making a stop at our domestic violence shelter on my way home from school tomorrow.
     
  2. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Lisa, I think that's a very good idea!
    :grrr:
    If he does this to her right in front of you, I hate to think how he treats her when they're alone!
     
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Daisy---My easy child is the same way with ex-boyfriend. He is addicted to drugs and she is addicted to him. Hopefully, the last stint ended it all when he had her arrested for doemstic violence! I don't think its love. Love doesn't allow you to treat each other badly or allow you to let someone else treat you badly. Poor baby---I'm glad she has you.
     
  4. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">It has to be love </div></div>

    This is not love.

    Have you considered getting some info from the DV shelter and sharing it not only with N but with boyfriend and his family?

    They are both young and inexperienced, but these "events" happen all the time. Your concern can be very educational.
     
  5. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Nope not love that is keeping her there it is the abuse. Liturature from the shelter on abuseive relationships might educate her. I would just leave it where she can find it and read it. Let her open the dialogue. -RM
     
  6. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #006600"> there is absolutely nothing resembling love going on between these two.

    N has never sounded the type to tolerate this crap from anyone. do you think this has more to do with-the old "he's the father of my baby" syndrome than love. that she's fighting like crazy to maintain the connection with-him for aubrey's sake?

    oh & what do you think would happen if she did kick him to the curb? would he be religious about visitation or would he slowly fade out of the picture?

    you're much stronger than i am. i'd never have kept my mouth shut this long.

    kris
    </span> </span> </span>
     
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Unfortunatley, just like everything else, there isn't much you can do until she's ready to listen and help herself out of the situation. You can give her advice and information on abusive relationships, but like I said, until she wants to see it herself, it won't help.

    I would set her straight about keeping the baby out of it though and let her know that you will not tolerate her putting the baby in jeopardy and that if you see something like that, you can do something about that.
     
  8. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Oh Lisa,
    how frustrating for you--I could feel my anger rising as I was reading this! I think Karen is right though--not much you can do til she is ready to change the situation.

    I did print out articles on emotional abuse for my difficult child 1 a couple of weeks ago after the thread we had going on that. She was ready to listen, actually reminded me to bring the articles to her and she seems to have actually broken up with boyfriend this time (after them breaking up and getting back together many times). She says he is the most controlling person she has ever known. I pointed out how she spent all her teenage years defying authority, why would she get involved with a guy who is more controlling than her parents, teachers, etc. ever were?

    Anyway, I sure feel for you and maybe if you do have the info available to her from the shelter she will be willing to read it.

    Jane
     
  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I think I would tell them to not bring their crap to my home. If they are fighting they need to stay away. they wont listen to your advice anyway and it only serves to bring you sorrow.
     
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    That was the exact reason wingnut was no longer allowed at our house after awhile when difficult child was living home. I would not allow the fighting in my home, my yard, or my driveway. I just feel bad there is a baby involved in this now though.
     
  11. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Man, I would never have been able to keep quiet either, Lisa.

    You did great.

    I agree with the others of us that the only (and best) thing you can do is provide information on shelters and abusive relationships in general. I think this is "this is the father of my baby" syndrome, too.

    Has N read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans?

    Or "Self-Esteem" by McKay-Fanning?

    Both might be very helpful to her now.

    Barbara
     
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