Guess he doesn't think he's hurt me enough

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Oct 30, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I went to the courthouse yesterday and filled out the papers to serve him. She gave me a list of sheriffs to contact to do it. I asked if I could do it myself but in the State of CT. a sheriff has to do it. She also told me that if they go to serve him and can't find him they will charge each time, so I called him and told him I'm serving him and that I'm going to arrange it with the sheriff to do it at a scheduled time to make sure he's there.

    Do you know what he had the nerve to say to me???? You're not wasting any time. Are you sure you want to do this???

    I said, I'm not wasting any time??? You've already moved on and jumped head first into a new relationship, after having an affair while my mother was dying and you say I'm not wasting any time!!!!

    Once he realized what he was saying he changed the subject to how he hopes someday we can be friends and then tried to tell me that he'll always be there for me if I need anything. I reminded him that he wasn't there for me when I needed him the most, so I don't think there will be anything in the future I will need him for.

    He then tells me that he told our son that he is seeing somebody and he said, D.J. said he was happy for me because I'm happy. Then he says to me, and this is what I am furious about, Judy and I are doing good!!!!

    I said to him, I can't believe you are even trying to discuss this relationship with me. I don't want to know anything about it and I can't believe you just said that to me. I said to him, that comment is up around the same level as you having an affair while my mother was dying.

    Hasn't he hurt me enough??? Is there a reason he feels the need to continue to hurt me, or is he looking for my approval of his new relationship? What did he expect me to say?? I think he really thought I might say, I'm really happy for you, best wishes and make sure I'm invited to the wedding!!!!

    Why in the world would he tell me that????

    Needless to say I didn't sleep much last night. I woke up around 2 a.m. and I just started getting angrier and angrier.

    He hasn't wasted any time on anything, including taking 5 minutes to deal with and grieve over what happened to a 30 year relationship.

    I am so angry and hurt right now I can't even think straight.
  2. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Well, I guess we know where "gfgism" in your life sprung from!

    Listen, he's obviously pretty stupid when it comes to your relationship. Putting it in his proper perspective, he's stupid enough to go to your best friend, talk to her about what he's doing,putting the blame on you, not acknowledging his own responsibility for what's gone wrong, and basically being a creep.

    His "disability" in the inability to be accountable.

    I really believe that he's not trying to hurt your feelings. He's trying to "validate" his own existance by justifying his behavior. This conversation had NOTHING to do with you, he honestly cannot comprehend that YOU don't want him anymore. Anyone that bounces from woman to woman this much definately has wicked self-esteem issues. Keep in mine all of our difficult child's rationalize everything and blame everyone else!

    I know this sounds like a stretch, but when he pulls these stupid stunts out of the air, do like we do (or try to) with the difficult child's. Don't take it personally. The difference is: difficult child's have a disability, your soon-to-be ex-husband is plain old immature!

    With strength for you,
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I am so sorry that you are hurting. Let me tell you a little something about your H. He does not think he is hurting you. Here is his logic:

    ~You filed for divorce (never mind what HE did. this is his mind working now). That must mean that you are over him.
    ~Because, in his mind, the way to get over things, is to move forward, not grieve what is lost.
    ~He thinks that is what you are doing. He is equating you filing with him getting a "g/f".
    ~Remember, the affair does not count.
    ~So, since in the past couple days, he told easy child about the g/f, and he knows that YOU know about the g/f, and now you filed, he is figuring OK, this is how it is going to be. And everybody seems OK with this.
    ~He believes that this is the new set-up, and since you are not calling him to "please come back", instead you filed, you MUST BE OK with what he is doing.
    ~So he tries to make it like you are his new BFF Karen. Oh let's talk all about the new g/f.
    ~He does not get that you are grieving. He does not grieve. He does not understand that you are.
    ~There is guilt in there. He does feel guilty to a degree. In a way, he is waiting for you to tell him that this is OK with you.

    I really don't think he gets how his actions are affecting you. He sees that you moved on (by getting the new place and filing) and since your head is held high, instead of calling him constantly and begging him to take you back, he figures that you are over him. HE may be hurt!! Here you got past him (in his mind), and you didn't even need a b/f to do it.

    I am so sorry that you are hurting. Gentle hugs.
  4. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    He can't grieve over the loss of your marriage. If he did, he would be grieving over his guilt, his infidelity and he would have to deal with real emotions. He can't deal with real emotions, hence his cheating, callousness and irresponsibility. Face it, you married a man who cannot deal with real emotion. He finds other woman to mask it. He finds other people to blame.

    I'm sure it makes you hurt and angry and I'm sorry for your feelings. I think you need to stop talking to him for a while. If you need to talk to him, tell him you don't want to hear about his relationships with his numerous women.
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He is stupid!

    I am sorry for your pain.

    He is such a fool.
  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    A huge part of my therapy and what I was told to work on this week is to not keep things in and start standing up for myself and say what I feel. I didn't do that last night and I really regretted it. I know I stood up for myself to a point, but not to the level I was happy with. This is what she wants me to work on and told me it's o.k. to not have said what I thought, but it's also o.k. to go back and fix that, so that is exactly what I did this morning after I typed this original post.

    I called him at 7:30 this morning and asked him why he felt the need to tell me him and Judy were doing good?? I said, haven't you hurt me enough? Is there something I have done that you really feel you need to keep hurting me more? I asked him if he thought I was going to give him my best wishes and make sure to invite me to the wedding?

    Then I told him that he had some nerve accusing me of not wasting anytime in filing, as he hasn't wasted 5 minutes on dealing with or grieving over the end of a 30 year relationship.

    He just kept saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't think before I do or say anything. I said, yeah I know, you haven't been thinking before you do or say anything for a long long time!

    I told him the only thing I was going to ask of him is that he has enough respect for me to start thinking before he says ANYTHING to me and to put himself in my shoes and really think before he says anything, how he would feel if I were to say what he's thinking of saying to him.

    I was shaking and crying hyterically after I hung up, but I am proud of myself. If I hadn't called him I would have let this eat me up all day, then eventually I would have buried it in the back of my mind and let it sit there and fester like I have done with so much in the past, believing that I had put it to rest. I won't allow myself to do that anymore. I have to many things that were easier not to deal with at the time that are now resurfacing, and it's not a good feeling.

    I think my counselor is going to be proud of me :smile:
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, I sure am! You did a grat job! Now go on with your day and enjoy it!

  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    You did wonderful. Some things just need to be said...sometimes more than they need to be heard, Know what I mean??

    He reminds me of a little boy running home to mommy looking for approval. He's definitely got a lot of learning and growing to do. It's time he did it.
  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Get this though: he cancelled his appoint with the counselor because he doesn't need to go anymore. He's all fixed!!!!
  10. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    :flower: <span style='font-family: Arial Black'> <span style='font-size: 12'>((((HUGS)))) </span></span>:flower:

    Sorry for your hurting heart. Proud of you for making that call!

    Glad you are not <span style='font-family: Arial Black'>wasting any time</span>. :rolleyes: For cryin'out loud. I'm not sure why it is, but it seems our DHs turn into great big jerks when they become DEXs. Sometimes I sit and go, "Jeeeze, how did I love this guy?!" Still rips me up, the change in DEX since we split.

  11. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Well, of course he's fixed, Karen. It's everyone else that has a problem, not him. That's why you got accused of being the one who's not wasting any time. :rolleyes:

    You are handling this with more grace than I could ever manage. You deserve much better than the treatment you are receiving.

  12. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Karen, try to stop talking to him. Only speak to him about absolutely necessary things. Do not engage in any chit chat with him. If you need to speak to him for business, divorce, kids whatever why dont you have a set time say once a week to speak to each other about the essentials and thats it. This will continue to eat at you daily. Tomorrow he is goin to say some other bonehead thing and then another and another. Stop letting him know you are affected by his lack of respect for you and himself.
    Tell him that you have no <u>need</u>to speak to him on a daily basis and that if he has something to say it can wait until your agreed time of once a week.
    Tell you friends and family you dont want to hear his name. That when you are with them YOU want to be with them and you dont want to discuss or hear about what he is doing or to whom.

    Let it go, dont look back and move on.

  13. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    stop talking to him at all. just stop. do all that thru a lawyer now.
  14. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Janet you posted at the same time I was posting. Great minds think alike. LOL

  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Are you keeping a journal? You NEED to keep a journal that is
    not available to ANYONE but you. You will be able to vent as you
    need to. You will be able to record important things said. Do
    not just use your memory?

    You will have to decide when to do it...but I really really believe that you need to practice the detachment phrases that
    you learned in Detachment 101. "I'm sure you'll make the right
    decision." "I do not want to discuss that." "Good luck" etc.
    SHORT and seemingly SWEET!

    Your Counselor sounds sharp as a tack and her advice is best.
    on the other hand you are dealing with a difficult child and you KNOW that difficult children don't give
    a rat's fanny about what YOU are saying or feeling. It is about
    THEM...THEM...THEM. You don't have to listen to him and I don't
    think you should waste your time listening to him. Use #101.
    Hugs. DDD
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This must be so horrible.

    I am so sorry.


  17. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Completely agree with Janet and Grace.

    Yes, your counselor will be proud of you (as we all are) for saying what was on your mind what needed to be said.


    Stop talking to him. Stop talking to BFF Jill about him. Stop getting updates on him. There will be that many less things that you have to worry about getting off your chest. And more importantly, that many less things to upset you.

    He's going to be a bonehead no matter what. You don't need the play by play.
  18. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    It would be very, very difficult to all of a sudden dismiss a person you've had a 30-year relationship with (of any kind). BUT, I can see that each encounter, phone or otherwise, is eating you alive. Self-preservation. You need to practice self-preservation. It's likely inside that your H is thinking that he didn't expect this situation to have escalated the way that it did, but that's water under the bridge now and I can't see it turning back. You still have to have a civil relationship when this is all over because of the difficult child whom you share, but let it be ONLY in her best interest. Hashing over all the dirt, is not in her best interest or yours. I'm so proud of how you are moving on. I know it must be so difficult. Be strong.
  19. KFld

    KFld New Member

    You are right DDD. I will limit my contact to him to only when I absolutley have to speak to him. We are in the process of the sale of the cabin in VT and there is a lot of paperwork going back and forth that we have had to contact each other about, as well as the household bills that I am making sure get paid, but there is no reason to be in contact with him for anything else.

    I have to go to the house on Thursday evening and do the invoices for the business, because that is where that computer is, but thankfully he's going to leave for VT thursday morning, so he won't be there. I wish I could bring that computer to my apartment as well, but I took the new one so I could have the internet, and the computer I left is only used for the business. I have no place to set up another computer in my apartment.

    He asked me the other day how long I was going to continue to do them and I said, only as long as the business still has my name on it, then it's all yours.

    According to the papers I filled out to file, 3/18/08 will be the date the divorce will be final, which is also my brothers birthday. Guess I'll have two things to celebrate that day :smile:
  20. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KFld</div><div class="ubbcode-body">A huge part of my therapy and what I was told to work on this week is to not keep things in and start standing up for myself and say what I feel. </div></div>

    I can speak from experience on this point. I've spent the better part of my life putting on the happy face even though I was hurt or angered. This last year, on the advice of a counselor was to start to say what I feel. You have NOOOOOO idea how hard this was for me. I've led my life stuffing feelings so it was a concerted effort to do otherwise.

    The positive side is that I have had a great sense of relief. The downside is that my family...mostly husband is having a really hard time handling this "new me." So, in making this change, it might cost me a relationship. That would be sad.