From 9-17-1007
I'm having him do these things right now because I'm angry and I know he should be the one doing them. I feel if I get someone sel to do it, it's just letting him get away with one more thing he doesn't have to be responsible for. You wrote that K.
You asked us Doesn't he think he's hurt me enough?
He should have done a lot of things in 30 years. Leaving you for another women while your Mother was ill, wasn't supposed to be one of them. Making you move out of your home, moving period, trying to make sense of it all - that's not how a husband or a friend treats another.
He lept into and stayed in the arms of others. He tells you about it to continue to HURT you and DEGRADE you. Even though you sit there and say NO NO don't tell me - YOU STILL HEAR IT or you wouldn't be able to tell us what a heel he is. If he cared EVEN a little he'd keep his mouth shut. But no- he delights in telling you about this one and that one and how the kids are oh so happy for him. What a jerk. What did he think the kids were going to say at their age? "Gosh dad I hate you, you creep, you're hurting Mom?" THEY still have parents - HE doesn't have a wife any longer. And while you're standing there telling him what you think to cleanse your soul (which is good) I have my doubts that he's heard anything YOU said. Usually those exercises are for getting years of
out of our systems to liberate ourselves, not to make him feel bad (he is incapable of that). It allows US as the injured party to move on.
Does it feel good to stand there and say "YOU WERE A ROTTEN JERK and TREATED ME POORLY?" YES!!! It holds incredible power. Telling people exactly what you think of them is a powerful thing. Getting them to listen and make amends - probably not going to happen. But counseling teaches us to use this power to make ourselves feel good about US. Once empowered we feel we can change the world, change our minds - <u>change our lives</u>. Not go back and make that 'certain someone' fell anything. You said he said all these years you were not very emotional. Not true. You are a wonderfully emotional person. He was
intensely stifling.
In my book he just doesn't get to be a part of your life past or present. And every time you tell him how you feel? He's used it or will use it in the future against you. ( I PROMISE YOU THAT) THAT is what I think the majority of the people here are trying to forewarn you about.
HOWEVER;
If you acted like you didn't care - it would blow his socks off. And he's a major difficult child so for the first few weeks you ignore him of course he's going to be smug, he'll drop little ugly things like "she drinks a lot", or "She' left me, look she SERVED the papers, not me" and on and on to suit his unquenchable need for others compassion - he WANTS THE WORLD TO THROW HIM A PITY PARTY. Every time you talk to him - (viva la fiesta). BELIEVE me after you give him NO CREEDENCE and stick to it, the less he ceases to exist in your mind- it will make him wonder...and wonder leads to questions and questions have WHY, WHEN in them and that's when YOU are able to NOT SAY A WORD, and HIS questions go unanswered. JUST LIKE YOURS regarding your marriage. Right now every time you talk to him his brain is saying "I can still control her."
When YOU shift the balance of control to you, which feels incredible - for a while, and eventually fades because you just don't give a rats patootie. AND THAT is the beauty of counseling and working with a therapist. You may not avoid talking to him all together But you CAN vow to stop setting yourself up by not talking to him anymore.
You say there is the sale of the cabin and you must talk? BOLONGA. You can have him tell the attorney for the sale what needs to be said to you.
You say there is still a business to do/keep/run? Great - tell him to leave you notes.
WHY does he get even a glance of YOURS? YOU ARE WONDERFUL, TALENTED, STRONG, ABLE TO MOVE FORWARD, KIND, You're a LOT of great things. When you think about it...you really don't have anything to say to him anymore. Nothing you say at this point is going to serve any purpose because he didn't listen for 30 years....what would make you think he'd start listening now?
I think you are doing fantastic and I admire your stamina - I just believe that your new found energies are getting sucked back into his black hole of 'pity me'. It's a huge force isn't it? How long did you survive the first go round? 30 years? Time to have a life.
Many hugs - and sometimes I come off like I don't understand Karen, but I do. If I wrote a story about my life I would have to publish it under Science Fiction it was so bizarre. When I went through it I walked alone, but I learned a lot. And I won't be taken advantage of by the opposite sex ever again. I'm worth more. SO ARE YOU.
Star