Guess I'll throw our story into the mix...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Annika, Sep 14, 2012.

  1. Annika

    Annika New Member

    Hi a lot of your posts this morning and I think I'm in the right place, unfortunately.

    Our story now varies a LOT from where we were six years or so ago...six, seven years ago we had a typical teenager, graduated high school, ready to start college... at 17, decided he'd move in with his dad, which had never been in his life since the age of two...found out that there were rules and regulations at dad's house, just like at our place, didn't like rules and stuff, so moved out on his own.

    I don't want to get into all the particulars of the next few years, but will give you the highlights--he spent over ten grand in less than six months in his first few months on his own, starting working various jobs, started going to college, moved back and forth, got involved with a girl, got married, had an abortion, broke up, all in the span of less than a year, came back home a few months ago with a serious pot addiction, an attitude problem, and just as lazy and shiftless as he wanted to be at fourteen.... we encouraged him to get back into school, get on with his life, but the thing is, his attitude has changed so much.....

    He decided he would go back to school, but also made another decision...he's not going to work. Apparently work interferes with getting high (he told me he can't get a job because they'll drug test think?)... so he figured he'd just go to school and live off his student loans (despite it not being enough money, despite me and dad telling him it's not enough money and won't work)...In the past few months now, he's bounced from couch to couch of anyone who will take him in, use them for however long they'll tolerate him... was selling drugs to make money, now is no longer doing that (dealer cut him off)...and is broke, has now dropped out of school, and called me the other day to tell me he doesn't know what to do anymore, so he's going to kill himself.

    I told him he needs to get his head out of his rear end and get a job...I didn't respond to the suicide threat...actually I expected the threat, and told my husband so when he called the last time, trying to emotionally blackmail us out of more money. We're done throwing money at him.. he uses it for whatever and not for what he needs to use it for. The last time he lived here, my nerves were so shot, I had lost 20 lbs. and I was ready to go to the doctor and medicate!

    Guess I just need the support of knowing I'm not alone. There are a lot of kids like mine out there...and plenty of parents like us, who tried to provide a good example of how to be a responsible adult in this world, but whose children are hell-bent, literally and figuratively, on doing things their own way, no matter how ignorant, misguided, or delusional they may be....

    The worry is a big black cloud in the pit of my stomach, always there, always... worried now that he may actually do something stupid to up the ante further... but he's 24 years old, and he's got to figure out his way, doesn't he? We all did...
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    You are in the right place and yes he needs to figure out his own way...and yes the worry is horrible and you are definitely not alone. Soundsnlike you have done all you can and now its time to do what you are doing, dont give him money, dont let him emotionally blackmail you and wait until hopefully he gets desperate enough to want help. If you can find a good real life parents support group, like through alanon, i urge you to go. That has been a huge help to me.

    I am also in the waiting son is across the country homeless after leaving a tx program. He has not contacted us for the last 10 days, lost his phone and i beleive he is homeless....but he goes to the library and posts on facebook so i know he is alive and is choosing not to call us i am trying to live and enjoy my life while i wait for whatever happens next.

  3. Annika

    Annika New Member

    Mine doesn't call me unless he needs something, so I don't even hear from him in the good times unless I call....however, in the last few months, he has refused to work, and we've refused to pay his cell phone bill anymore. I'm thinking mine's going to be homeless soon--he has a car, don't know if he'll be selling it or living in it soon... :(
    Winter gets cold here, hope he finds a warm place to stay when this one throws him out. I don't get the concept of living like a stray dog, yet I know other kids just like mine who want to live that way-- "take me in, feed me, give me a place to sleep, let me do whatever I want, oh, and hey, pat me on the head once in a while just to let me know how great I am!"

    I personally think a lot of this horsecrap stems from the schools starting the "there are no losers, only winners" mentality--where they give kids trophies JUST for participating!
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome! You are definitely not alone. Our 21 year old daughter is living in an apartment because we kicked her out at 19 due to drug use and alcohol abuse. She gave up a college opportunity, two of them in fact, that we were funding because she smoked pot 24/7 and never went to class. She went through her entire semester's dining plan in six weeks, selling food to students for cash to buy drugs/alcohol. She was suspended from college after her first semester. The second chance was community college which she never got past the first month because she met all the other druggies there and she never went to class. Never again. She is now working only about 20 hours a week and I have no idea how she is paying her rent. She has had her internet, electricity and water shut off for non payment. She owes over $1,000 on a credit card and collectors have now found our phone number and are bothering us all the time. She has gottenf ired from every job that she's had because of her pot/alcohol abuse. I'm sure she's probably doing some illegal and dangerous things for money now.

    The only thing I am grateful for is that she is not living at home because it nearly destroyed our family. Things will come crashing down on her soon and I am terrified we will have her here once again but I am determined to do whatever I can to make sure that doesn't happen. We love her and worry about her every day but she is destroying her future and possibly her life and there is nothing we can do about it.

    Yes your son needs to figure this out for himself. Do not enable or support him. I would only support him getting treatment for his drug use, but of course I'm sure he doesn't think he has a problem. You may also want to find a support group like Families Anonymous. My two support groups are sometimes the only way I can get through the week.

  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi Annika,
    Yes, you are in the right place.

    I have two son's that have sub abuse issues. Our oldest has now been sober for about 2 yrs and has a wife and 2 daughters. Our middle son is in prison. He has a wife and one son two daughters.
    He is expected to be released in December and come home (to our house) on an ankle monitor, with mandatory AA meetings as well as once a week drug testing.

    Middle son (AKA Young difficult child) has made several suicidal threats in the past and even acted out on some of them. He was dxd with Bipolar when he was 14 but does not want to accept that he has mental illness issues (like myself). Everytime he goes to the Dr it is to get pain medications or benzo's to abuse. He also loves to drink!

    I agree with others that say You can't do this for them....make them reach out for help. Real sobriety has to come from within...not other people. Also think it a good idea to suggest a support group like AA to your son as often as he calls you. I think he needs to recognise that he has a problem and that you want to point him in a direction for help.

    As TL and Nancy suggested...It might be a real good idea to get "real life" support from Al Anon for yourself. When I attended Al Anon it was quite an education. I learned so much about myself and life and how to communicate better with my sons as well as others.

    I really think you did a wonderful job of keeping the focus where it should be when your son gave you the suicide threat. And You are so right that they sure do "emotionally blackmail" us. Pretty crafty people they are! They tend to use us like vessels to get ahold of more morney for drugs...not to better themselves.

    Another thing you might want to do in the future is to suggest to son that he go and check himself into a hospital if he is truly thinking about harming himself.

    I'm glad you found us.
  6. Srcsweet2

    Srcsweet2 New Member

    I too can relate to your story mine is very similar except that my son was arrested for dealing he had 5 ounces of Pot. My son started smoking and honestly won't stop he is now 24 and seems to be into much worse. He admittedly was addicted to presciption drugs but now I have been told he is on heroin. If you can believe this he has been arrested on 2 different drug charges and is even on probation for one and no one has drug tested him. He does't work at this time and even when he has had a job he can't seem to handle it for too long, he is easily overwhelmed. My son has struggled his whole life with learning, ADHD ect so this court stuff has him completly upside down. I had been helping pay his bills and rent but now I realize that I was enabling him and to learn he is on heroin I had to say enough is enough...he is about to be living in his car, the car I bought him mind you....I moved away a few years ago and now that he is in all this trouble and drugs he tries to guilt me into returning home which I can not and won't I can't live with him in the condition he is in. My heart is broken and I too like so many other sit here day after day waiting for that phone call....I pray it will be he is in rehab call ...but I fear it won't be ...Stay strong there are some good people out there that can relate to your story like myself and it will help to know your not alone...
  7. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Annika and Sweet,
    Welcome - there are a supportive and wonderful, understanding bunch of people on this board, so feel free to continue posting and you'll surely get trusted advice and compassion. We don't deserve to be on this journey, but here we are...
  8. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    You've come to the right place. The worry never ends, but you can find peace through accepting that you cannot control your son's behavior or his choices. Keep posting. We are here for you.
  9. Annika

    Annika New Member

    thank you so much everyone... I'm praying for all of our children's all I can do at this point. I hope... that he can come to some clarity through this.. my son is not stupid, he's genius IQ, has marketable skills and it's not like he doesn't know how to hold a job, he was assistant manager for a McDonald's for a while till stupid decisions ended that job. I will continue to post.. :)
  10. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    (((huggs Annika)))
    It is so sad how many of our children are gifted and have not even tried to live up to their potential. I pray for my difficult child (and us all) each morning and night.

    The guilt can be so over powering, at least it was for me. My difficult child did not have a happy childhood - but as an adult he has to make the best of it. My daughter tells me that she feels she would not be the happy person she is today without having the problems growing up. She has had the bad and now appreciates the good. My son (difficult child) is still hurting and has to learn to let it go.

    I have met many parents at meetings scratching their heads at what went wrong when their children had happy home lives and chose the wrong path.

    Try to stay busy and do things for yourself. There is no right or wrong path to helping them, I have tried them all lol!, but I now fully realize it is their choice. I am at a point of stepping back, trying to accept what ever comes, I think it is called survival mode lol!

    If love could save them all of our difficult children would be saved. I have found just the simple act of posting helps sometimes. I also keep a journal that no one will ever see and I can write how helpless and angry I am. Find what makes you feel better, exercise and meditation also help with stress relief.
  11. Annika

    Annika New Member

    Sure, as mothers we tend to blame ourselves for a lot--and that guilt is usually more guilt than you're personally responsible for....

    I do try to stay busy, I am just lonely...I'm in a rural area, and it's hard to meet new people and make friends. I've got no outlet for my feelings, this has become for me at least a small haven in the middle of cyberspace where I can vent, discuss and get insight. I think I'm where you are too, where I had to just step back--the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We have tried to help... and we'd be willing to even help more, if he were willing to help himself. Once in a while, I watch the Dr. Phil show... and the one thing he says that always sticks with me is, "How's that working for you?" because people do what works. My son has been manipulating people for a long time now, ahnd continues to do so, because on some scale, it works for him.... it's coming to an end, though, as one by one, the important people in his life are saying, "Enough!"
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Annika, I don't know if you have tried this but there are on-line al anon groups that you may want to check out. Of course I'm biased and think our forum here is the best support group around. It's easy to feel isolated with this disease but you can get better, even if your difficult child does not.

    Keep posting, it helps.